The Gally Blog

Chief Justice John G. Roberts:

Okay before we get to opening statements. How..

Chief Tatanto:

Hau? Really? We’re starting off with the race jokes already I can see. Your honor if you could, please keep these racial stereotypes to a minimum. What do you think I parade around with a ceremonial headdress on, tripping peyote, and drinking booze?

Roberts: I was…

Tatanto: You were just spewing the kind of racial insensitivity that pushed my people to the swamp shit hole known as the Florida Everglades. You ever been there? Nothing but swamp water. Nothing to do, but drink and trip peyote…

Roberts: I was actually trying to ask How everyone was doing this morning.

Tatanto: Oh. I’m fine Chief Justice.

Roberts: Please proceed with your opening statements.

Tatanto: Chief Justice Roberts my people have been getting the short end of the stick for many moons now. It started with the raping and pillaging that came with your people’s arrival to this country. Back when the buffalos roamed freely, and long before they were disgraced by having the city of Buffalo named after them..

Roberts: How does this relate to the issue at  hand?

Tatanto: The Redskins of Washington bring great shame to my people with their team name.

Roberts: But what about the fact that over 90% of Indians are okay with the team name?

Tatanto: Indian? It’s Native American. Do I look like I have a fucking dot on my forehead? That’s the insensitive, racist shit I’m talking about. You probably think I deal blackjack down at the casino.

Roberts: Do you?

Tatanto: It’s poker. That’s not the point.

Roberts: How…

Tatanto: I told you about that shit.

Roberts: I was actually trying to ask you how this has affected you.

Tatanto: Oh. The name itself is just disparaging, scandalous, contemptuous…But more importantly it’s embarrassing?

Roberts: Embarrassing?

Tatanto: Have you watched a Redskins game? It’s pretty embarrassing. Like coming back from your spirit walk with piss all over your loin cloth. Jason Campbell couldn’t lead a pack of Weeblo Cub Scouts, let alone a football team. I mean fuck.

Roberts: So you want the name changed.

Tatanto: Or money. These casinos don’t open themselves.

Roberts: Mr. Snyder?

Dan Snyder: Mr. Tatanka…

Tatanto: Tatanka?!?! You think I’m some fake wrestler?

Snyder: Dually noted. I just don’t get it. Your people already settled their dispute with Florida State University.

Tatanto: Those were the Seminoles. What you think all Native Americans are the same? You probably think all Eskimos are Inuits. I swear to the Great Lord of the Sky I will scalp you faster than you can say Hardrock Hotel and Casino.

Snyder: Umm. How about we make a trade? This lovely Seminole fan…

…in exchange you drop the lawsuit.

Tatanto: I would definitely slip her my peace pipe, but there’s no way in a thousand fiery suns that I’m falling for that old trick. With my ancestors it was disease-ridden blankets, and now you’re trying to get me with diseased-ridden coeds…

Roberts: Chief you do realize you’ve waited to0 long to file your motion?

Tatanto: This is just another case of the white man trying to hold my people down.

Roberts: It’s actually the law of the land.

Tatanto: I have your law of the land right here. Reaches for tomahawk Ay yi yi yeeeeee

Roberts: Bailiffs!

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