First off, I’m having a terrible day. I got told I wasn’t funny :( and then when I went to take a shit, there was no toilet paper so I had to do a hand stand in the shower. Do you know how incredibly hard that is? But nothing cheers me up like reading the paper and seeing someone who is 10x’s more famous than me with bigger muscles and more money be 10x’s more screwed.
Shawne Merriman decided that he was sick of Chris Brown hogging all the attention from beating up his famous girlfriend and decided to beat up his very own famous girlfriend/Korean Spy Tila Tequila. Apparently he is denying hitting her and was “restraining her” from driving intoxicated. Which I can totally relate with. Just the other day, my girlfriend (Ed. Note: Fake.) was trying to get away leave on her free will and get into a car after she had a few wine spritzers. So I had to do the only thing necessary. I grabbed my handy dandy chloroform and asked her if it smelt weird. Then I slammed her head through a coffee table and sliced both Achilles tendons with a butter knife. She woke up hours later, sobered up and we just laughed it off. I’m such a good boyfriend.
Now let me drop some funny on you. What do you have to tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. They’ve been told twice already. Wakka Wakka Wakka
But seriously folks, This guy:
Needed to restrain (via choking) this girl:
I’m pretty sure he could have just asked her nicely. That always seems to work with drunk women. They are reasonable creatures. Now, I already made a Chris Brown reference and cliched they hell out of my post. I might as well blame it on Merriman’s positive test for PEDs, right? Yeah well, I’m sure she did something to provoke it. Maybe like have stupid reality shows on VH1 about finding love. Hell, I want to punch her in the dome for that. I’d rather never get laid again than try to look for love on VH1. There’s nothing but herpes and Flava Flav on that channel. Actually all of this sounds like a party Joe Francis would have. Just with 100% less tasering of Brody Jenner.