Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday May 21st 2011

The Gally Blog's 2009 NFL Predictions

Logic: Alright as everyone knows, I’m Logic. I’ve been given much more authority to make predictions than I should.. A retarded monkey that screams on top of a paint can while handing out flowers would have sufficed perfectly. Gally and Gimp are going to get down here eventually. Even though Gimp still hasn’t done our Fantasy analysis. Tsk tsk. What we are going to do here is break down the divisions and make some predictions. And since I’m in a deep focus I’ll let you have it:
Gally: We may not be experts, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t pretend to be.
gimp: Alcoholics, yes. Experts, not quite.

AFC NORTH: Logic’s Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers (11-5). I still see them dominating their division with virtually the same team they had last year. In a shitty division too.
Gally:Pittsburgh Steelers (11-5). Last years Super Bowl Champions come into this season thinking that it’s theirs to lose. They return much of a Stellar Defense, and the Offense could see some improvement with a whole season of Rashard Mendenhall.
gimp: Steelers (11-5). If Big Ben can keep his rape stick in his pants I’m sure the Steelers will be fine. I’d like to note, that while the Steelers will win their division, it will be one of the most painful things to witness. To me they’re boring as all hell to watch. Like watching paint dry, or a WNBA game.

AFC SOUTH: Logic’s Pick: Indianapolis Colts (10-6). This is the team with the least amount of questions in a solid division of competition. They really haven’t lost anyone too big either. Other than the head coach. But it’s Peyton’s arm and that team can ride that arm until it falls off and he gets made fun of on this website.
Gally:Colts (13-3). Yes they changed coaches. I was never a fan of Dungy though. Sure he had a calming influence, but too calm. He was also one of the most passive play callers ever. Last year they struggled early when Peyton was recovering from knee surgery. They then finished 9-0(discounting playoffs) based on his strong play, while not being able to run or stop the run. This year he’s healthy going into the season, and they’ve added run stopping size to their Defensive Line while adding some depth to the rest of the D. They also brought in an excellent runner in Donald Brown to complement Addai.
gimp: Way to make the obvious pick douchebags. Even though I agree. Titans? Pssh Kerry Collins will drink more bottles of whiskey than throw TD passes. Jaguars? Negatory. Texans? I’ll give them a gold star for most improved.

AFC WEST: Logic’s Pick:
San Diego Chargers (12-4). I think they can easily dominate the division. Oakland is pure bad right now. Richard Seymour won’t even go there. KC has too many questions and looks like the team to beat in the division. And lastly, Denver is having a fire sale on Pro Bowlers. I also think they are going to have a BIG year in SD.
Gally: Chargers (12-4). Horrible division. They should be able to pick up 5 or 6 wins in the division alone. The Defense struggled some last year, partially due to Merriman being out. They could be without him again this year, pending charges, but on paper this is an excellent D. The Offense should improve this year, especially if Tomlinson has fully recovered from the previous years “Toe” Injury.
gimp: Chargers (10-6). Good lord the West is the aborted fetus of the AFC. I think the Chargers get the nod for the next 10 years or at least until, Al Davis dies and Josh McDaniels stops pissing his star players off. I imagine the Chiefs are screwed for at least a millennium or so.

AFC EAST: Logic’s Pick:
New England Patriots (13-3). I am not one of the haters that thinks the Patriots will falter after Brady’s injury. The Jets are throwing a rookie out there, Miami won last year using a shitty offense and the Bills are a powder keg right now.
Gally: Patriots (10-6). Last year they finished 11-5 without the Golden Boy, Tom Brady, and missed the playoffs on a tie breaker. This year they have Brady back, but expect him to struggle a little bit early on. Every time a QB has knee surgery, especially major surgery, it takes the QB minimum 3 games to figure out how his knee works in actual playing conditions. In the ’07 Super Bowl, the Giants showed that Brady isn’t infallible in the pocket, but nobody had a chance to test that out this year. The Defense has several holes, but this has been the best coached team in the NFL for years. In almost any other division, I wouldn’t have them making the playoffs but the AFC East has far too many questions.
gimp: Patriots (11-5). Two words, Tom Brady. He could lead this team on his good looks alone. Sure their defense isn’t as great as they used to be, but it’s not like the other offenses in the East are really that solid anyway. Oh look the Wildcat formation, I wonder what they’ll do? It’d be great if the Dolphins could do something real innovative like drive the whole field and actually come away with points higher than 3. Cock snuffers.

Wild Card #1: Logic’s Pick: Houston Texans (8-8). I don’t see them winning a whole lot of games but I think they can still make it to the show. They have some young talent that is being developed very well.
Gally: Baltimore (11-5)-If Flacco doesn’t have a sophmore slump, the Ravens could have a legitimate Offense this year. Ray Rice and Le’Ron McClain bolster already solid running game, and McClain is a force in the red zone. The Defense, though aging, should still be a top 4 D this year. They haven’t been able to beat Pittsburgh lately, so I gave the Steelers the tiebreak.
gimp: Texans (10-6). Your name lacks total creativity, but I feel like you’ll have a shot this year. Hopefully, Andre Johnson will stay healthy and not having Sage Rosenfels is an obvious plus.

Wild Card #2: Logic’s Pick: Buffalo Bill (7-9). This is a silly pick. I looked at all those teams and the bottom of the barrel for the AFC is not good. No team is screaming PLAYOFFS! in your face at all.
Gally: Houston (10-6)- Here’s where I risk the credibility that I don’t have yet. Gary Kubiak is a good coach, really, and this team is full of potential. They’ve finished strong the last two years, and I think that this is the year that they play a complete season. If Matt Schaub can stay healthy, he has dynamite weapons in Steve Slaton and Andre Johnson. Those two are good enough, though that it doesn’t completely matter who’s the QB. If Schaub goes down for an extended period of time, backup Rex Grossman just has to Trent Dilfer it out there as he did the year the Bears D carried him to the Super Bowl. This D is an emerging force. Why the hell did they choose him number 1, Mario Williams, and Demeco Ryans are both Franchise players on the Defensive side of the ball. If that secondary develops a little more, then watch out.
gimp: Baltimore Ravens (9-7). Solid defense, decent backfield, and Flacco might do little to hurt the team

NFC: NORTH: Logic’s Pick: Green Bay Packers (12-4). I think Aaron Rodgers is going to explode on to the scene this year and become a top 5 QB in the league. The Bears and Vikings are trying hard but I think they aren’t gelling as well. Notice, I didn’t say anything about Detroit?
Gally: Green Bay (12-4). Brett Favre returns for what should be his farewell season. He’s with the Vikings you say? Well, then Green Bay is definitely going to win the division. Aaron Rodgers had a good first year as a starter last year, and now this is his team to return to the promised land. I know the preseason doesn’t count, but Rodgers appeared to have complete control of this offense. If Ryan Grant can keep the ball in his hands this year, this is going to be a lights out Offense. Jennings, Driver and Lee are arguably the top tridem of receivers in the league. The Defense is young, but talented. They slipped last year, but most of their losses were very close. Look for this to be the year that they hit the next level.
gimp: Da Bears (11-5)! They actually have a QB who can actually manufacture production, but also has an uncanny ability to go from happy to sobby bitch in a matter of seconds.

NFC: SOUTH: Logic’s Pick: Atlanta Falcons (10-6). I think they get the winning record but they could just as easily be 8-8. This is a tough division and lately the last place had gone into first place the next season like it’s clock work.
Gally: New Orleans (11-5). The NFC South is a weird division. As logic said, it’s been very common for the last place team to jump to first the next year. Look for that trend to continue yet again. Drew Brees is a freak of nature. He completely recovered from a torn labrum/rotator cuff in 2005, and hasn’t thrown for less than 4,400 yards a season. Look for him to put up crazy numbers again, and with Pierre Thomas and a potentially healthy Reggie Bush they might not be so one dimensional on offense. The D was concern the last couple years, but this is the year that they turn the corner. There is some definite talent on the Defensive side of the ball, and now there’s a new D Co-Ordinator in Gregg Williams. Williams has consistently been a Defensive force in the league. He runs a very aggressive 4-3 D, and almost always gets results. By no means should you pick the Saints D for Fantasy Football, but they will be much stronger then they were last year.
gimp: New Orleans Katrinians Saints (11-5). I’m still not sure how you can have a QB pass for over 5,000 yards and not make the playoffs. Hopefully, Drew Brees and his disgusting birth mark will be able to lead the team to the promised land of the NFL playoffs.

NFC: WEST: Logic’s Pick: Arizona Cardinals (9-7). In this terrible division, you just gotta give it to the Contenders. They still have their threats and hope to improve on the running game.
Gally: Cardinals (11-5). The Cardinals come into this season with something that they haven’t had in an extremely long time, CONFIDENCE. They snuck into the playoffs last year and were considered the worst team to ever make the playoffs. Then they were the worst team to every play in the Super Bowl. Then they went out there and almost beat the Steelers. Recent history suggests that the loser in the Super Bowl doesn’t make the playoffs the next year. Not this year. They have as dynamic and explosive of an Offense as it gets. Beanie Wells will improve the running game, and if Warner doesn’t get too fumble happy he still has by far the best WR tandem in the league. There is talent on the other side of the ball as well. The Defense will be looking to prove that the Super Bowl run wasn’t a fluke last year.
gimp: Cardinals (10-6). The West blows, but the Cardinals are the creme of the crap. The 49ers might show up this year and put some pressure on the Cards, but look for Kurt Warner and his bible thumping ways to take the division. All this while Matt Leinart regrets his decision to stay another year in college.

NFC: EAST: Logic’s Pick: New York Giants (duh 12-4). I really don’t see a team that can beat them this season. I would be surprised if they lose 1 game.
Gally: Giants (11-5). I’m not as high on the Giants as logic is, but I don’t think the other teams are quite ready to pass them by either. Last year Eli showed that he missed having Plax as a safety net. Now he will never have him again. Yeah Nicks is going to be a stud in this league one day, but rookie WR’s are never stars. They always take at least a year. I’m not sold on Hixon or any of the WR’s but, as long as they perform decently the team will be fine. They have one of the best OL’s in football, and with a healthy Brandon Jacobs power ball is alive in New York. Then there’s the defense. That DL makes all the other teams green with envy, and all opposing QB’s nervous. This team plays Steeler ball possibly better than the Steelers will this year.
gimp: Eagles (11-5). There’s a lot of questions with the Eagles. Like can Westbrook and McNabb stay healthy? How will Vick be used and how many dogs will have to die this season? But not withstanding the Eagles have a good shot. Oh yeah and fuck you Logic. You big Giants nut hugger.

Wild Card #1: Philadelphia Eagles (10-6). I think they are a very young, talented team. I just think they might be overcoaching and overthinking aspects of the game from all coaches and positions on the field.
Gally: Bears (11-5). Say what you will about Jay Cutler, but the kid has an arm. Even if he has to throw to Greg Olsen and check downs to Matt Forte this year, Da Bears finally have a QB to lead the team for the first time since McMahon. No longer will teams be able to do nothing but fill up the box to try and stop Forte. They will have to respect Cutler’s arm. This is a pairing of a potential top 3 RB with a top 5 QB. Not many teams can say that. With Tommie Harris returning healthy to anchor the D line, this is a top 6 Defense. Another power ball team.
gimp: Giants (10-6). This could have been the Cowboys. It could have been the Redskins. I’ll just designate this for the 2nd place team of the NFC East.

Wild Card #2: Minnesota Vikings (8-8). I think the season is going to play out perfect. Adrian Peterson will win 6 games himself. The defense will win 2. Favre will lose 8. All 8.
Gally: Vikings (10-6). There’s a saying in the NFL that to be successful, you have to be able to both run the ball and stop the run. This is a team that can do that. You also need solid play from your QB. Last year Tavaris Jackson was to be blunt, horrendous. This year, they have the aging wonder, the gunslinger, the wrangler wearing QB of Peter King’s dreams, Brett Favre. Everybody knows what he has to do this year. Let his amazing running game go, and just make over 60% of your throws even if that’s only 20 throws a game. If he can keep his ego in check, and admit his limitations then that is the difference between making and missing the playoffs. So far the Williams’ are still allowed to play, even though they could still be suspended for four games. I think that the D is strong enough to withstand the four games if it comes to that, but they might get lucky and get off the hook.
gimp: It pains me to do this, but the Vikings (9-7). I hate Favre and I hate Childress, but Purple Jesus is friggin’ ridiculous. A playoff run would also gives us a reprieve on Favre and his “Will he or won’t he” game that he plays every year…At least until the Vikings are eliminated.


MVP: Logic’s Pick: Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers. I have so much faith in this guy to lead a good team to a Super Bowl.
Gally: This is going to sound like a complete homer pick, and maybe it is. Peyton Manning. You all just twitched a little at reading that, or laughed. Think about it, if he leads the Colts to the promised land again with a new O line coach, D coordinator, head coach, O coordinator, #1 receiver, trouble at LT and uncertainty at #2,3,4 receiver the sports writers of the land will be all over themselves fellating Peyton for his “heroic” efforts. If he’s unable to do that, then he most certainly will not win MVP. I’m still going to predict that it’s his though.
gimp: Awards outside of the Lombardi trophy are weak and I refuse to participate….Okay, Tom Brady. Homer pick, but I think he’ll put up some solid numbers.

Offensive Player: Logic’s Pick: Andre Johnson of the Houston Texans. He could have a break out year if Schaub stays on the field. And if his numbers are down because of all the problems the team has, I can only imagine what they will be with a steady QB and O-Line
Gally: Drew Brees. Baring injury, this is potentially the best set of targets around him that he’s ever had. That’s scary. He could become the first player to throw 5,000 yards in a season twice, let alone two times in a row.
gimp: Drew Brees and his hideous birth mark. I’d expect another big year out of Mr. Brees, not enough to win the whole damn thing, but he’ll put up some sexy numbers, which will come in handy because I have him at QB for one of my Fantasy Leagues.

Defensive Player: Logic’s Pick: DeMarcus Ware of the Dallas Cowboys. I think I just cried a little that I had to do that. Ware is an amazing athlete who just knows how to get to the QB better than anyone. I think he’ll be in the 20+ sack chase this year.
Gally: Mario Williams. He’s gotten better every single year. He too could be in the hunt for 20 sacks this year.
gimp: D. Ware. Why not?

Offensive Rookie: Logic’s Pick: Donald Brown of the Indianapolis Colts. I think Addai is going down soon and this kid is going to explode onto the scene.
Gally: Percy Harvin. The kid has skills. Purple Jesus is going to carry this Offense, but Harvin is going to be that guy that breaks out while guys are worried about Adrian.
gimp: Percy Harvin? Really? Knowshon Moreno. Something positive has to come out of the crapfest that is Denver.

Defensive Rookie: Logic’s Pick: Aaron Curry of the Seattle Seahawks. This kid is a beast. I’m surprised he even fell to the Seahawks. He looks like a general on the field and is going to cause problems for offenses everywhere.
Gally: Aaron Curry. He would have been a much better choice for Detroit than Stafford. But alas, the Lions stupidity is going to reap benefits for Seattle. He doesn’t look like a rookie out there. We have another potential Demeco Ryans or Patrick Willis here. I’m just saying.
gimp: Aaron Curry…All the cool kids are picking him. Peer pressure is a real bitch.

Coach of the Year: Logic’s Pick: Mike McCarthy of the Green Bay Packers
Gally: Mike McCarthy. With the turn around that happens this year in Green Bay, there’s no chance that it goes to anybody else.
gimp: Josh McDaniels…Naw I’m just fucking with you. But he’d be my undisputed pick for Worst Coach of the Year. Mike Singletary. I think the 49ers will be better this season, which will give ol’ Brown Eye a chance to be in the running.

Logic’s Super Bowl Match Up? Green Bay Packers v. San Diego Chargers
Gally: Colts vs. Giants. The Manning Bowl. Winner-Colts.
gimp: Patriots vs. Eagles

Logic: Ok, so that’s my suggestions. Look for the other guys to jump on board and they’ll get theirs in soon. Until then, bash me for what I think! I’ll love arguing with you clowns.
Gally: Nobody ever does real well in these things. There’s so many things that can happen, that the aforementioned Monkey dancing around has as good a chance as anybody does to make these picks. Doesn’t mean that it wasn’t fun though, and like logic I’ll gladly debate you in the comments or by email.
gimp: There you have it. Our picks for the 2009 season. Yawn Is it too early to start pre-gaming for the start of the season tonight?

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  1. The Gally Blog’s 2010 NFL Predictions
  2. Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide- Wildcard Weekend Filled with Bold Predictions
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