The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Or because gimp will start having flashbacks of some of his bad trips and end up convulsing on the floor in fetal position.
It’s me again! What better way to kick off your morning, than a healthy dose of severe personality problems? Let’s get this rollin’…
NBA: So two things that were awesome happened yesterday for the season tip-off. #1 being (of course) my Celts rollin’ over the dynamic LBJ-Shaq Attack duo in the most talked about opener. I call them my Celts, because I love KG with all of my heart. If he needed a kidney, and I was sober for like.. at least a day…I would totally give it to him. I would also consider being his vessel for bringing the next great KG into the world. I don’t care if that’s creepy. Shut up. Anyway, he made a great comeback after being forced to sit the last 25 games of the previous season with a knee injury. He put up the double-double with 13 points & 10 rebounds. Oh! and! Paul Pierce was the Celts’ leading scorer with 23 points, and 11 rebounds for the double-double. Obviously LBJ was the Cavs’ leading scorer with 38 points. Do I care? NOPE. They got KTFO! Okay. So #2 comes in the form of the greatest headline ever: Lakers Launch Title Defense With Win Over Clippers. Maybe I’m just stating the obvious here, but shouldn’t we expect the Lakers to beat the Clippers? How depressing is that for the Clippers as a non-home-opener-kind-of-home-opener? I mean…they’re still at their arena, except 97% of the people in attendance are there to see the Lakers. I’m pretty sure even when the Lakers aren’t playing there, 97% of the people in attendance are still there to see the Lakers. It’s kind of like being the “grenade” of a pair of girl friends.
MLB: Game 1 of a World Series that no one outside of Long Island or the dumpster known as “Philadelphia” cares about is tonight. I’m kidding. One of my favorite shows is based in Philly – It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Anyone else think Sweet Dee is lookin’ a little hagged this season? They should seriously rethink her haircut. So expect The Gang to be plenty pissed when this series moves home for Halloween. Will I be watching? Ah-nope. I’m going to be doing what every other good American girl does: getting schwasted and looking slutty.
NHL: So hockey’s happening…always…Anyway, apparently Gaborik’s hurt again and I swear I didn’t do it this time. I’m not anywhere near New York right now! I guess Ryan Johnson of the Canucks got carried off the ice last night and is in the hospital. Ryan, I have no idea who you are, but I’m totally blowing you get well kisses right now. All I know is the Wild are off to a relatively dismal start witha 3-8 record. Ouch. Maybe you guys should stop trying to date my SIL and focus on your pucks.
Tennis: Andre Agassi fessed up about his affair with Crystal. Seriously, this Crystal chick gets around. It seems like everyone is doing her – she and Fugface Fergie were in it for the long haul back in the day. And I’m pretty sure Tyson even ran through her. What a whorebag.
NFL: No other game matters this weekend more than The Minnesota Vikings tearing it up in Lambeau. There’s a whole lotta hype about Favre returning to his old stomping grounds, and I think it could actually prove to be beneficial for the Vikes. There are a lot of Packer fans that are still Brett Favre fans, so I reckon he’ll get an interesting reception. Plus, a gang of my buddies are making the trek out there and they’re likely to get rowdy. Watch out, Green Bay. There’s a purple blizzard moving in to shut you down! Woohoo!
In the most important news…I was forced to retire my favorite fantasy football team:
And re-dub them Uncle Rico & the Paper Champions.
- How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?
It’s a very sad week for me, but until my squad starts putting up the numbers I believe they can and gets out of their rookie slump, they shall so-forth be named.
And there you have it. It is Hump Day. So get to humpin’.
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