The Gally Blog

Ok we are basically at the mid point of our Football Season which means we are more than halfway done with the Fantasy Football Season. I decided that I’m bored with just reprinting all the Top Performers and making fun of our league members that I talk to over the internet every single night yet they don’t change rosters for Bye weeks and what not. I’m going to take the top earners of the 8 weeks and you can compare with how you drafted and hopefully kill yourself. Actually, don’t kill yourself yet. Set up one of these birds on your mouse so that it keeps clicking “refresh” and then kill yourself:

Your Parents Don't Even Love You

And please, before your inner taintstain comes out, realize that I don’t make the point scoring system for Yahoo and I’m not the commissioner of my league. I just click the sort button on “Fantasy Points” and write dick jokes. Don’t act like that’s not impressive! What do you do? Yeah. Sit there and eat Cheetos. You sow.

Ok. Top 10 Fantasy Earned (by position):

It’s been a weird year in fantasy. It seems to go in a cycle. Running backs dominate for 2 years then Quarterbacks for 1 year and then Running backs for 2 more and then Wide Receivers and then Quarterbacks for 1 year and then back to Running Backs for 2 more years. This year is a Quarterback year. Well, I guess that is a very controversial statement. So scratch that. In my money league, quarterbacks rule. In this league, QB points are heavily weighted against them. Even though the highest QB beats out the highest RB by 10 points. Anway, here are the top 10 Quarterbacks:

1. Aaron Rodgers- 1989 yards in the air, 14 passing touchdowns with 2 interceptions. Throw in 188 yards rushing, 1 TD, one more 2 pt. conversion and 2 fumbles and Rodgers is your top earning QB with 156.36 points. I’m glad I drafted him in my money league. In the Sports Blogger league? Gally owns him.
2. Matt Schaub- 2342 yards with a 16:7 (td:int) ratio has the surprising Schaub at #2.Owned by Doktakra.
3. Peyton Manning- With 144 fantasy points, how is Gimp so terrible?
4. Tom Brady- Owned by Punter and Brandon. I guess this is where the regulars step in.
5. Ben Roethlisberger- Owned by Shiancock. Having a decent season. Nothing special
6. Brett Favre- Owned by Punter and Brandon, again. Having a very surprising season and most likely the “Pick Up of the Year” in most leagues due to his flipfloppiness. That’s a word right?
7. Phillip Rivers- Owned by Bucholtz. 7 turnovers hinder his point count a little bit but I thought he’d have many more TDs than 11 through 8 games. But then again, I predicted SD in the Super Bowl v. Green Bay. So don’t always listen to me.
8. Drew Brees- Owned by XmasApe. Brees started out with 6 TDs in Week 1 so if you look at his stats since, he hasn’t been too impressive with a 14/5 ratio and 2 TDs on the ground last week. Though, NO is playing v. Atlanta as I type and he had his BYE week already so I guess he should be ranked higher. But can we all agree that he is like Moses to the city of New Orleans and what he does in that pregame huddle is one of the coolest things in sports? (video after the QBs)
9. Tony Romo- Owned by Flubsters. After starting out like the douche he is, Romo has put together 2 very solid wins for the Cowboys with the emergence of a strong #1 WR in Miles Austin.
10. Carson Palmer- Owned by Logic. If you asked me what 3 QBs I liked before the season (besides the obvious Big 3) I would have said Philip Rivers, Aaron Rodgers and then Carson Palmer in that order. I was glad when I saw that I had him and I missed the draft.

Guys who are probably ruining your fantasy team:

1. Kurt Warner- Owned by Rob. Kurt Warner is having a miserable season with an 11/11 ratio through week 8. After a Super Bowl run, he may be showing his age a little bit. Though if you take away last week’s performance his ratio is 9/6. So put that in you pipe and smoke it.
2. Jay Cutler- Owned by James Brown. I’ve noticed that in both of my league the guy who drafted Cutler, also drafted Orton…like their success depended on each other. But Cutler also has an 11/11 ratio and is the schizophrenic nephew of all the drafted QBs.
3. Donovan McNabb- Owned by Max. McNabb has an awesome 9/1 ratio with 1 TD on the ground and only 1 more fumble on the year. However, he’s been hurt for much of the season.

Biggest Surprise?

1. Mark Sanchez- Owned by Logic. I just picked this latino clown (el clowno?) because I needed someone for a BYE week. I guess you could put Kyle Orton in this spot but this isn’t your list, is it gayboy? He has an 8/10 ratio but the 3 rushing tds help a truckload.

Ever since this whole “Running Back by Committee” bullshit, drafting has become 1,000% more difficult than it should be. There should be 32 RBs worth considering. Not 64+. And I have to write 64+ because teams like Tampa Bay, Baltimore and New England have to deploy anywhere between 3 and 6 backs in their offense…like douche bags. Back to the rankings:

1. Adrian Peterson- Duh. Owned by Punter and Brandon. With 937 yards total and 9 touchdowns, Purple Jesus was an obvious choice at #1 and whoever had Michael Turner ranked #2 (or #1 for that matter) deserves to eat dog shit with a shovel.
2. Maurice Jones Drew- Owned by Bucholtz. If I was there for the draft, I would have taken MJD with the #2 pick overall. Bucholtz got a steal with this guy at the #5 pick overall. (801 total yards, 10 tds)
3. Chris Johnson- Owned by XmasApe. I would have been nervous about drafting him with LenWhale vulturing all of those TDs last year. But the move paid off for XmasApe who grabbed him with the 13th pick overall. (961 totals yards and 5 TDs + one 2 pt conversion)
4. Thomas Jones- Owned by Max. Jones was a good pick this year. I wish I would have grabbed him in my money league because I didn’t even think about the Jets having an amazing offensive line and a rookie QB to hide. It stinks that he has hands like feet because I think he’d be a much bigger fantasy threat if he was able to catch anything but herpes. (704 rushing yards and 49 receiving with 7 tds)
5. Ray Rice- Owned by Punte and Brandon. Rice has been a pleasant surprise for owners of him this season. I said he wouldn’t be that good. Others thought he’d be much better. McGahee did vulture 7 tds from him already this season but Rice has been “the yardage guy” with 525 rushing yards and 349 yards receiving. 5 tds total.
6. Darren Sproles- Owned by Doktakra. This is where our league gets screwy. A guy like Sproles’ value jumps tenfold because of his Return Yardage/tds. He becomes a triple threat. In my money league guys get the return yards while defenses get the return TD points. I know, it’s one of the dumbest things ever. But Sproles has 169:1/267:2/900:1 (rushing:receiving:return) for 115 points total
7. Cedric Benson- Owned by Rob. This was a nice surprise for the Bengals. Though, the Bears (and Forte owners) might be kicking themselves. Benson (and solid game managing by Carson Palmer) has been the reason the Bengals have been winning. Benson is another one who gets hindered by his brick hands. 720 rushing yards and 5 TDs with 66 yards receiving.
8. DeAngelo Williams- Owned by Max. Williams was the 3rd RB rated on my draft board behind AP and MJd. I really should have pre-ranked my players, huh? 619 rushing/173 receiving. 5 TDs. Williams also gets destroyed by Jonathon Stewart (360 yards and 4 TDs) being a startable running back.
9. Ronnie Brown- Owned by Punter and Brandon. How are these guys not in first place? They’ve had 3 Rbs in the top 10 and their QB was in the top 10 as well. Whatever. I just realized I wasn’t talking about myself and suddenly lost interest. 518 rushing yards, 66 receiving and 7 tds.
10. Steven Jackson- Owned by Doktakra. Sjax is having a great year…too bad the Rams are FUCKING MISERABLE. He only found the endzone once this year. Which is infinitely more times than Larry Johnson did, whom I recommended drafting. With 784 yards rushing and 186 receiving he isn’t having a bad year.

Guys Who You Probably Hate:

1. Steve Slaton- Owned by Shiancock. Slaton had a break out year in 2008. He was everything Reggie Bush was supposed to be. He doesn’t even have THAT bad of numbers (342/2 and 314/3) but with 5 fumbles he isn’t THAT good. He was also benched this week and got -2 points in some leagues while Ryan Moats took the opportunity and ran with it like it was a white girl.
2. Matt Forte- Owned by Gally. With 593 yards and 3 tds there are worse options out there. For example, Larry Johnson. But he was over 30% of da Bears’ offense last year and is in a sophomore slump.
3. Brandon Jacobs- Owned by Flubby. 550 yards and 2 tds with worse hands than a digital clock which is not a good thing. I know, the last time that you heard that joke you probably fell off of your dinosaur.
4. Frank Gore- Owned by Flubby. Cannot Predict Injury. But in my money league if I had my way at pick 12 and 13, I wanted Jacobs and Gore that went at picks 10 and 11. I think I was better off with 2 WRs.
5. Clinton Portis- Owned by James Brown. 547 yards and 2 tds for the struggling Portis.
6. Brian Westbrook- Owned by Rob. You know what? You could have predicted this injury…
7. Reggie Bush- Owned by Gimp. The Saints took all value away from Bush when they stripped him of his return man duties. He has 319 total yards and 3 tds plus 70 return yards and 2 fumbles. I’m calling him one of the greatest busts of all time. Or at least since Ron Dayne. Remember him? Ah, now that guy sucked!
8. Marion Barber/Felix Jones. Logic/Ape respectively. Not only do Ape and I share interviews, but we share Cowboys running backs. The dude practically stalks me. 118.50 points between the two of them.
9. LaDanian Tomlinson- Free Agent. Just realized he was available and I plan to pick him up. Fuck. His 49 points is still better than Tashard Choice. But it’s clear that he is on the down swing and Sproles is the future of that franchise.
10. LARRY JOHNSON- Owned by Punter and Brandon. Ahhhh. Now I know why their team isn’t in first. They have Fantasy Football AIDs.

Biggest Surprises?

1. Cadillac Williams- One of the “Pick Ups of the Year” because he wasn’t on anyone’s radar at the draft. Fuck, everyone though Derrick Ward would be the clear starter there. Or at least Ernest Graham. And they had Warrick Dun. When Cadillac was named the starter, he took the opportunity and ran with it. Or, ran with it better than the other 3 RBs could
2. Willis McGahee- I told people to draft him and in the first 4 games he had 7 tds. I would have won you 4 games if you listened to me. I know he sucks now, its your job to manage the team past the draft, dickhead. What, am I supposed to do everything?
3. Knowshon Moreno- This is basically a Logic suckfest because these are all people that I told people to draft/grab but Moreno has 480+ total yards and 3 tds so far with splitting time with Correll Buckhalter (484 yards total and 1 td).
4. Rashard Mendenhall- This guy is obviously the future back of the Steelers. Willie Parker is either hurt or crying about being hurt. If Mendenhall doesn’t try to lower his shoulder into Hall of Fame murderers linebackers, he’ll be fine.
5. Kevin Smith- Who knew someone on the Lions could have 571 total yards and 3 tds?!?

And next is Wide Receivers. I thought the secret to drafting this year would be taking Larry Fitzgerald and Calvin Johnson with the 12th and 13th overall pick in my money league draft. I was wrong. I was wrong and stupid. (If you noticed, I have a fetish with people named “Larry” or “Johnson”) Now Larry Fitzgerald is under-performing with Warner too busy showing him how to pray instead of running routes and a guy named “Megatron” is hurt. ROBOTS DON’T GET HURT!!!! Anyway, the WR totals are screwy because of the fact that some of them are also return men. You’ll see. Oh yes. You’ll see alright.

Top 10 WRs:

1. Percy Harvin. Owned by Gally. 369 receiving yards and 3 tds. 860 return yards and 2 tds. See? It’s screwy. He has 113 points to top the WR depth chart
2. DeSean Jackson. Owned by Doktakra. 115 rushing yards (1 td), 501 receiving yards (4 tds), 219 return yards (1 td) is a triple threat. See? Return men are working it in this league.
3. Miles Austin. Owned by who else? Punter and Brandon. This is the “Pick up of the Year”. With 563 receiving yards and 148 return yards plus 6 tds, Austin was a pleasant surprise for any owner who grabbed him. Or if you’re in a deep league like I am, for money, some douche named Moose probably grabbed him. Looking at you, Moose.
4. Reggie Wayne. Owned by Logic. Finally, another player of mine on this 2100 word list. 689 yards and 6 tds. Is he ever not good?
5. Vincent Jackson. Owned by Bucholtz. 664 yards and 5 tds. Jackson is an up and comer in this league for King Laserface.
6. Andre Johnson. Owned by Doktakra. 697 yards and 4 tds with one 2 pt. conversion. Pre-ranked #3 WR is having a great season considering Schaub’s numbers.
7. Joshua Cribbs- Owned by Bucholtz. Somehow threw an INT, 130 yards rushing, 61 yards receiving and a whopping 1155 yards in the return game with 2 tds. See? 3 of the top 7 are return men. And this guy is strictly a return man. Well, really only because Mangini wouldn’t know talent if it choke-slammed him
8. Steve Smith- Owned by Rob. (Giants) If he wasn’t in the top 10, you know I was putting him as one of the leagues Biggest Surprises. 662 yards and 4 tds on the year so far as the Giants new #1 WR.
9. Chad Ochocinco- Flubby. This is a comeback year for this douche bag. Not flubby, flubby is okay. I hate Chad Johnson. With all my heart. Carson palmer secretly loves him though. 573 yards and 5 Tds.
10. Johnny Knox- Owned by Bucholtz. 310 yards and 3 tds in the air. 535 yards and 1 td from the return game. Ok so that was 4 of the top 10 are return men. See what I mean? I’ve been preaching this for weeks.

Guys Houses You Want To Top Tank:

1. Larry Fitzgerald- Gimp is hating the fact that he took him at pick #7. This guy had such a good year in 2008 capped off by a dominant playoffs and has disappointed with 509 yards and 5 tds. Trust me. Thats a fucking disappointment for this guy.
2. Brandon Marshall- 354 yards and 4 tds. This cancer has not helped out his undefeated team and did not reach 100 yards in any game this year.
3. Terrell Owens. Speaking of cancer. How’s Buffalo? I’m sure it is cold, ya dick. Couldn’t take Dallas, huh? Well Owens is going on this list because in my money league I traded for him and the one week I owned him, he got me 0 points off his 0 catch performance. So, I hope you and Ochocinco get into a head on collision and while Brandon Marshall goes to help out all the cars explode and a piece of shrapnel kills Marshawn Lynch and Larry Johnson.
4. Dwayne Bowe- Owned by James Brown. 304 yards and 4 tds for Bowe. I guess cutting an offensive coordinator during the preseason didn’t help much. Oh, and their QB is still picking splinters out of his ass from the last 9 years.
5. Steve Smith- Carolina. Owned by Bucholtz. This Steve Smith is now referred to as “the other Steve Smith” now. No joke. Seriously. That’s what they say on ESPN now. It’s stupid. People still can’t get over the fact that there are two guys with the same exact name in the NFL. “Still no love” says the Adrian Peterson on the Bears
6. TJ Housh- This is getting to 2600 words and I hate life so I’m not typing that dick’s name. After complaining why he was the 6th ranked WR in Madden and protesting the game he has 383 yards and 2 tds this year. Can we call him Douchemandzadeh yet? Has that ever been said because I’m LOLing at how witty I am right now.
7. Anquan Boldin- 404 yards and 1 TD. Can’t predict injury.
8. Calvin Johnson- 325 yards and 1 TD. Can’t predict injury.
9. Roy E. Williams- 249 yards and 2 tds. Can’t predict being an over rated player. Seriously. How many times can one say “I wish I was back on the Lions?”
10. Braylon Edwards. I wanted this guy to be on the Giants so bad but the Jets are 0-3 since getting him and he hasn’t even played bad. I think he will mesh well with Nacho. 331 yards and 2 tds.

Biggest Surprises?

1. Michael Sims-Walker- Owned by Bucholtz. This guy got some good WRs, eh huh? Well Sims-Walker has stepped up in Jax and has out played Torry Holt to actually make me acknowledge his hyphenated name.
2. Jacoby Jones- Owned by Logic. I just want to show you that another return man has the same points as Larry Fitz. 181 Rushing and Receiving yards with 3 tds. Plus 770 yards and 1 td in the return game
3. Mario Manningham- Owned by ShianCOCK. Manningham was a leading NFL WR through the first 4 games but has shittier hands than some of the retards in my high school. Plus he sat out last week. None the less, he has 439 yards and 4 tds.
4. Austin Collie- FA- 330 yards and 4 tds. He has become Peyton Manning fav. target over Pierre Garcon who had just 1 solid week, really.
5. Jeremy Maclin- 293 yards and 3 tds. Started out slow but is becoming a fav. target for McNabb and a compliment to Jackson over in Philly.

And lastly, Tight Ends. No, not like your mothers’. I decided I’m not doing kickers and defenses are fairly obvious. So this is the last one. Especially since our league is a little strange and has a WR/TE flex.

1. Owen Daniels- Owned by XmasApe 519 yards and 5 tds. He tops the list but not for long. Wanna know why? Knock Knock. (You: Who’s there?) Torn ACL. (You: torn ACL who?) He has a torn ACL. That’s it. That’s not a joke.
2. Vernon Davis- 375 yards and 7 tds makes him a valuable asset to Logic. Too bad, I was going to name him one of the biggest busts since Reggie Bush and Dolly Parton.
3. Dallas Clark- Owned by Gally. 584 yards and 3 tds has been Peytons 2nd fav. target. In my money league some douche has Peyton and Clark. I guess that’s not really douchey but actually rather smart. But you get my point
4. Antonio Gates- Owned by Punter and Brandon. 523 yards and 2 tds. I guess this guy deserves to be top 5 out of any.
5. Brent Celek- Owned by Bucholtz. Bucholtz is doing so well, obviously due to the waiver wire. Celek is one of the seasons big surprises with 447 yards and 3 tds so far.

Loose Ends:

1. Jason Witten- Owned by XmasApe. I’m used to seeing 100+ receptions and 1,000 yards from Witten who is having an off year with 348 yards and 1 td. Maybe he was the one truly, stuffing Jessica Simpson?
2. Greg Olsen- FA. I would have licked Berstreet’s mustache if you let me draft him before the season but he has struggled. How? I don’t know. Dude supposedly runs a 4.3 with pads on. And he’s about 260 lbs. Yep. That’s a beast. 215 yards and 3 tds.

Biggest Surprise?

1. Visanthe Shiancoe- Owned by Max. This should be owned by Shiancock because I believe in having a team named after one of your players. But whatever. Shiancoe has 6 tds from Favre this year and doesn’t look like he’s slowing down.

Ok, that I regret that. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s 3270 words and 2 and 1/2 hours I could have been stroking it to Kim Kardashian and her genie pictures. So excuse me. I need to uh, go to the bathroom now.

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