- Nikki Hunter from NY's Lingerie Football League team
As you know, I’ve been on a hiatus until I took the LSAT. I used this as a studying technique because I have no self-control and usually when on my computer, I’m drinking something I shouldn’t. A lot has happened in the sporting world during my break from blogging. For instance, a particular golfer got caught using all of my moves (ex: ambien sex, the line ” I will work you”). Not cool, Tiger. I almost had my sister say she slept with Tiger Woods because at this point, he doesn’t even know who he’s paying off. Plus, if he was chillen with Jeter….he probably de-pants’d thousands of women. Anywho, there also has been much more news. More relevant to Logic as well. So in order to address all of these headlines equally and offer my solutions, I decided it would be fitting to get into the Christmas Spirit by offering my List (sorry Jewish Readers).
I got this idea when I googled “Retards in Sports” for a Using Logic segment (that I love oh so much) and all that would come up is Grady Sizemore fucking a coffee cup and Hines Ward take out menus. I decided that, hell it IS December. Maybe the other guys around here will grab a hot chocolate and vodka and think about what they would like from ole Kris Kringle.
Dear Santa,
I don’t think I’ve been a good person. I never have. You know this. This hasn’t stopped you from giving me what I want. It actually appeases me. We’ll consider you Winston Churchill and I’m someone that I don’t like comparing myself to. I also decided that it would be horribly anti-Semitic to talk about Hitler in a Christmas List article, so Santa, you must understand that I’m not going to compare myself to him.
I think that you are going to be very busy this year, as always. So my list will easy. If you need help, Jesus says he loves me so I’m sure he’ll help out in all ways possible. Now this list isn’t going to be the same as last years. I no longer want diplomatic immunity and the batmobile-motorcycle thing from Dark Knight. No, this year is going to affect many more people:
- Nikki Hunter from the LFL. No, I don’t want her in my windowless van. I just think it would be cool to interview a LFL player. I don’t understand how she has ignored my charm? Her Response was priceless.
- To become the NY Giants general manager. I need to restructure this team. First, I need to eat Eli’s contract. No, not that “eat” like “lose out on an investment” eat. I mean just ingest it. That would mean we wouldn’t have to pay him, right? Then, when someone will take his contract, we trade him for a top tier running back and a 2nd tier linebacker that can bring that “hard nosed, smash mouth” type of football back to the Giants that they are desperately trying to go back to. We don’t need this drooling ogre for a quarterback and that fat pussy that doesn’t hit holes. Not to mention the back up running back, the felon who shatters into dust or fumbles every time he is hit. Then the next order of business, hire Charlie Weis as Offensive Coordinator and draft Jimmy Clausen. Then we fire that retarded defensive coordinator that ruined my defense. All he had to do was run Spagnuolo’s plan but noooo. He had to come in here like George W. Bush and run the country into the asphalt. Clinton left this place in perfect shape, what the F did you do, window-licker?
- For Craig Carton to call me at least once a day and say “Alright” in that wacky voice he has.
- To become the Notre Dame Athletic Director. I know this is a lot on my plate. Blogger. Pretend Comedian. Giants’ GM and now ND’s AD. I can handle it. For starters, we kick Jimmy Clausen out of school. Mostly for being a douche. He probably won’t come back but we need to cut ties from all douchery. 2nd order of business? Hire Jim Harbaugh. Fuck Brian Kelly. Who cares if he won with Cincinnati? This is Notre Dame and he kind of seems like an asshole. Jim Harbaugh, on the other hand, has beaten USC and really…that’s all I care about from the Irish next year.
- Hofstra’s Football program to return. I know they were losing $4 million a year through this program but after 69 years wouldn’t you think a team named “The Pride” would hang around just a bit longer to see if it could right the ship? They just had a very prolific WR come from there which garnished some attention to the school. Plus, wasn’t their a little debate at that school? I think the new president or AD or whomever canceled that program should be ashamed of themselves. My message to you, good sirs? YOU MADE WAYNE CHREBET CRY!
- Everyone that I met at the LSAT on 12/5/09 at Hofstra University, to die in a car fire together. Santa, let me set up the scene: We are about to take a test that is going to shape our next 4-5 years and possibly make us $2-3 million in our lifetime and this kid in front of me won’t stop farting. Not to mention the fratboy douchebag behind me trying to spit game to this girl in a leopard print vest. How these two idiots both went to Michigan University and met up in line to sign in for the LSAT is beyond me. I must applaud his undying persistency after he realized she was 2 years older and doesn’t date younger guys. Especially after she said she hates frat guys and especially after she said she had a boyfriend. It must have taken a lot of restraint to not jump her frumpy bones but this kid in his white jeans and brown leather jacket with a scarf managed to say a line like “Yeah. It’s not cool to see people you haven’t seen in a while but you kind of know at things like this. It’s annoying. That’s why I grew facial hair. To be anonymous”. No, you grew it because of the sweet irony that is your life and everything you say. Then there was also the sign in the bathroom that said “Blowjobs. 2nd Floor Monroe. Between 11-2″ so if you go to Hofstra and like blowjobs from dudes, go to the Monroe Hall. I’m sure there won’t be a gloryhole. That’s too much effort for a college kid. Even though, apparently, Hofstra wouldn’t have the money to fix it. Well all these distractions (including the hot girl who was dressed in sweatpants which bothered me to no end) decided to fuse together and form the Voltron of distractions on possibly the biggest day of my life. I think the Law School Admissions Council should create a sort of “Look Policy” similar to that of a casting director for a porn movie. Lawyers should only get to be ridiculously good looking. Like myself. Santa, I guess what I’m trying to say is, kick all the ugly people out of the law field to free up opportunities for me because let’s face it, ugly people aren’t really people anyway. They’re like female Asians in Asia.
- A Tila Tequila v. Rihanna MMA match at Madison Square Garden. I know you’d first have to get MMA to be legal in NYS, but think about the luster returning to the Garden because even you know, Santa, that the Knicks aren’t getting LeBron and not going to do shit with all the cash they freed up. So give me this. Rihanna had a lot to say about that Vietnamese Spy who can’t do a sexy dance without falling on her face like a baby giraffe pushed onto an ice lake (thanks wwtdd for the greatest analogy ever). Then Tila Tequila (who is so witty) created a nickname for her, “Riherpes”. How clever? So let’s let them fight. We all know Rihanna has a tougher chin than Tom Brady, and with that 5-head she is rocking, I wouldn’t bet against her. Tila just pretends she has an army. Like a sociopath.
- Something for me to Logicisize and lastly,
- A flame thrower.
Ok Santa. That’s all I want for Christmas. Remember, if you give me what I want…the situation goes away quietly and I’ll return Mrs. Clause to an undisclosed location as long as there are no cops and the money isn’t rigged with ink and explosives.Thanks again, Santa.
Unfaitfully Yours,
Logic
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The fact that you managed to complete the LSAT around that shittiness is beyond amazing.