Look! A Dead Horse! Lets Beat it!

Look! A Dead Horse! Let’s Beat it!

: #1

This is Day 2 of Logic covering the Tiger Woods rape/murder/domestic violence/drug ring. It’s literally all anyone can talk about. And being in the mainstream media, I need to make sure that I get my opinion out there because if there is one truth to the “world of Logic” it is that I never lie about anything. Especially like being raped or being on the cover of Men’s Health Magazine.

Well, I was reading the Daily News at work today and I noticed my co-workers reading the NY Post and Newsday and the headlines were all basically similar. They were all cliches like “Tiger loses his stripes! Gets scratched!” or “What a bad driver!” type headlines and after I was done puking, I turned up the radio. It was Boomer Esiason and Craig Carton. They were, of course, talking about Tiger Woods. It was breaking news that a “middle aged blond woman” was taken from his house sitting up on a stretcher at 2:30AM on 12/8/09. (This was apparently Elin’s mother). Any coincidence to the anniversary of the day after the bombing of Pearl Harbor? Well, I just paint the picture. You can interpret it however you want.

Now, we have Tiger Woods sleeping with 11 humans (according to my count)(see above link). We also have testimony of “ambien” and apparently Tiger may have tried to commit suicide on Thanksgiving by ingesting vicodin and ambien while boozing. If you forget, I’m from Long Island and I think my friend will help me explain.

: That's Not Suicide! That's a Fuckin' Party!

You said it, Sal the Guido-Anteater (thanks, Ufford). I guess it would just be fitting to go through all the women? Am I right?

Rachel Uchitel- VIP Club Hostess- Ground Zero for home-wrecking whores. I don’t even know how the rumors started circulating about her. I just know that after her, it started going down hill. She is the hottest of the group even though her hair looks like she’s 1/2 “Dirty Golden Retriever”.
Jamie Jungers- Waitress/Model- I don’t know who was second chronologically but she is second on that list that I gave you. She doesn’t look terrible. I mean, I’d let her give me a blowjob if she begged me. WHOA! Someone get me some fuckin’ Goose and mixers. She looks a lot better when she was 20 years old than she does now which proves to me that Tiger is an incubus of some sort and his semen ages you.
Mindy Lawton- Perkins Waitress- Holy shit. This broad is disgusting. She is like Brooke Hundley gross. I could have sworn that was Sue Collini from Califnorication
Kalika Moquin- Nightclub Executive- I’m hoping this broad was about 6’4” because I wouldn’t want to have sex with her if I saw over her rack. Her rack is fantastic though. It just looks like she was attacked by a monkey.
Ok, Maybe Not. Maybe it was just a....wait for it... TIGER!
Jaimee Grubbs- Reality TV Show Parasite/Waitress- She actually isn’t bad looking in that picture from the list but I don’t think she is THAT hot. She’s probably would win the silver medal in looks. Gold Medal in female douchery. Not to mention that she is a terrible speller. It was after her “Tell-All Story” that everything unraveled and Tiger forgot Man-Law #1 “Deny ’till you Die”.
Holly Sampson (SFW)- Porn Star- Ok, she is new to me. I didn’t know about her. She automatically jumps to the top of the list because she got naked for money. That makes her a hooker. But she could’ve taken a cue from Ashley DuPree who said “…at least I kept my mouth shut”. Really, in the long run, paying this top dollar hooker [Dupree] would have been a lot less costly than banging these 11 girls flying them all over the world and then having to give your wife a contract extension of A-Rod proportion.
Cori Rist- Aspiring Model/Mother of 1/Lush- According to one of the NY newspapers I read today, Rist has 1 child and a sugar daddy who transferred $100,000 to her account in a lump sum because she can’t support herself. Currently she is in a custody battle with her gums over her teeth her ex-husband over their daughter. Good luck, princess. She is from NY though, so she is a Hometown Whore that I have to root for.
Joslyn James (Very NSFW)- Porn Star- Ok, I did not know about her either. How do both porn stars on this list not catch my eye? This is ridiculous. Good for Tiger. I’m going to beat it to both of these girls later, hoping they do something with a strap-on or a tranny. (double the tits, same amount of schlong)
“Un-Named British TV Presenter” and “Un-Identified Cocktail Waitress”- Represented by question marks on this list, they still get a mention here.

Everyone was right though, these women are all soft money whores that deserve to die. They all literally saved texts and voicemails to one day incriminate this guy if they had to. Which is pretty pathetic. And Tiger definitely thought he was “Teflon” so to speak, but when fame and fortune is on the line for all these “Aspiring Models”, “Porn Stars” and “Reality TV Show Harlots”, they will sell you the eff out quicker than Tickle Me Elmo on the first day of Hanukkah. Especially with girls like Grubbs, James and Sampson, those girls are just going to use this scandal to get their name out and be popular. Regardless of them lying or not. I don’t even think Tiger can build a legal case against the girls that ended up lying (hypothetically speaking) because at least half of them have got to be at least telling half truthsand at this point the judge wouldn’t trust him. Except for Judge Joe Brown, he’s a gangsta.

Anything to say Sal the Guido-Anteater?