Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes

Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at HatedHero11@gmail.com or @Hbomb47 and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. Whatever your little heart desires. I’m not picky. I’ve fucked a fat ginger before. I swear. Actually it was on the beach and I gave her the Screamin’ Seagull. No lies.

Now, let me get into the email I received (letter in italics, Logic in bold)

Dear Logic,

First of all, I’d like to thank you for pointing out the fact that Chris Henry was arrested 5 times in 28 months (for Assault, Serving Alcohol to Minors, Marijuana Possesion and Drunk Driving) and if he was in jail…where he should be… he wouldn’t have died from a Domestic Disturbance. He was an obvious felon that was getting special treatment because of his talent. He got national recognition because Ochocinco is a drama queen and because Henry himself, is an athlete. I’ve had many people die in my life. Some through murder. None of them got this kind of response and prayer from millions of people while my friends and family have been good Christians.

Moving on to the issue at hand. Midgets freak me out. I don’t know what to call those people. Half-Pints? Small-Fry? Even the slurs they have are stupid. I’d just like to call them “Chodes” if you don’t mind. So this Chode is trying to play hockey. Here is the link. This is kind of a non-issue right now because he is only 10 years old. He is just slightly smaller than every other 10 year old. Which is why I am writing now. In 8 years, this kid thinks he is going to break the height barrier in hockey. He doesn’t understand that they don’t let midgets in for a reason…they are creepy. Many of them smell weird. I think it’s because they have a low center of gravity and get farted on a lot. I didn’t draft Maurice Jones Drew in fantasy football because of this reason. I once sprinted away from Vern Troyer at an Applebees. Is it me, or do midgets just look like they are going to jump on your back and bite your neck? Like a killer back-pack of some sort.

Anywho, I was really hoping that you can weigh in on this topic because the world NEEDS to know what to do. Lead us, Logic. I know you already took a stance on the Mentally Handicapped and the Physically Challenged in Golf…but what about Hockey!? Well, as I said he is only 10 so give me a reply whenever you get a chance. As Monday Morning Punter always says “children are our future, unless we stop them”! Thanks a lot, Logic.

Love,
A Teeny Tiny Bit Nervous

*end scene*

This was a tough e-mail to chew on, so I walked in a mile in everyone’s shoes. And boy do my feet hurt. Some of those shoes were tiny. (See what I did there?)

Dear ATTBN,

Hoo boy. I don’t know how to even respond to that one! I’m not a big hockey fan, but I would assume that having some half-human, half-Lord of the Rings character, skating around the ice, getting a puck shot at it by the Normals wouldn’t do the lil fella any good. I could just imagine Eric Lindros hip-checking this “Chode” and giving it a concussion from the Lindros-bone-to-Midget-skull connection that would take place. Then bouncing his oversized head right off the ice like bowling ball that was inconveniently thrown down the lane instead of rolled.

This really puts me in an awkward situation. This isn’t like watching some retard trying to gum his way through a cantaloupe. This is a fucking midget. Midgets are always funny. I can see why you are creeped out by them. I, however, am not. I’ve actually thrown a midget in a Velcro suit onto a wall of “the sticky side” of the Velcro. That might be the only sport midgets are good at, being the object used in “Midget Tossing”. I finished in 3rd place that night!

On the other hand, this will totally turn the sport into a sideshow. What’s next? Bearded ladies? Lizard men? Black guys? No. No. No. That’s all wrong. This is hockey. This isn’t bobsledding, where a comical Jamaican team can come in rattle the foundation of the sport.

Hockey hasn’t had any changes in it, since like, the Cold War. Miracle was it? I don’t know. Hey, does Eric Lindros still play? Whatever. My final answer is: I don’t like oddities in sports. It’s that simple. People that are 2 and 1/2 feet tall should be behind velvet blue ropes and you need tickets to see them. They shouldn’t put on tiny little ice skates and try to stop pucks with their bodies. Even though that could be adorable. Ah! God damn you, Midgets! I’m very conflicted, but Midgets cannot play hockey. They can, however, join the circus. There. It’s final. And no, this is a killer backpack.

Unfaithfully Yours,
Logic.

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