2010 NFL Pro Bowl Live Blog
Pro Bowl Live Blog? Yeah, why not. Come in and enjoy the potty humor.
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Archive for January, 2010
Strikeforce Was Tough To Watch
- One of Herschel's Personalities is a racist caricature!
Last night, I completely forgot that Strikeforce was even on. To the casual MMA fan, this is basically the minor leagues to UFC. They offer “Pay Per View-like” events, except they are often aired on free TV or ShoTime. The fighters are usually guys just on the brink of that big contract and some just have moral or personal vendettas against Dana White and/or the UFC. Other times, the fighters are just carnival acts. Like last night.
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The Pro Bowl Sucks. Now What?
On the off-chance that you’ve been in a biodome for 15 years (and/or are physically incapable of scrolling down to the post below this one), it may come as news that the Pro Bowl is a joke. You’re also probably sick of hearing “The Safety Dance,” but I digress. The game of football isn’t something that lends itself to a watchable half-speed product- unlike other pro sports, which can get away with an offensive barrage in an All-Star game. And because they moved the event to a) the site of the Super Bowl (which has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Miami would be cheaper than Hawaii and I’m appalled that you would think of such a thing) and b) the weekend between conference championship games and the Super Bowl, now half the starters aren’t playing due to injuries, or the fact that they are in the Super Bowl. Shockingly, the teams that made the Super Bowl, in an exceptionally top heavy league, had multiple people elected to the Pro Bowl. So, we’re going to watch an “All-Star” game where Ryan Fitzpatrick is probably the third string quarterback…riiiiight.
Now then, how do you fix the problem? So glad you asked, person who poses questions that make transition easier. Because I am the great and powerful Oz (or something) I know how to fix make the Pro Bowl borderline watchable.
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THE PRO BOWL IS COMING!
- It's like the NHL All-Star Game, but with less defense!
Since we’re in the dead week before the Super Bowl and two weeks before the Pro Bowl1, today seemed like the perfect time to offer a preview of the 2010 Pro Bowl in beautiful Honolulu, Hawaii2.
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Minnesota Sports Teams a Haven for Geriatric Athletes
Damn, how sick are you of reading about Minnesota sports teams? I would guess probably about as sick as I am of them losing. Since you probably pay more attention than you want to towards them though, and since I am burdened with having to follow these ass hats throughout the years, I have stumbled upon an interesting trend that has reared it’s ugly head in this hat state (you know, the hat on the Iowa man? … ah forget it). Namely, Minnesota has become the landing sport for aging athletes that have nowhere else to go. Why? Because we’ll pay them what they’re not worth, I guess, but also because the other, typically better, teams have more expensive young talent that has replaced these old saggy balled athletes. Look no further than Brett Favre in the Vikings 2009 season and before him their complete lack of established young quarterback talent. And with the signing this past week of Jim Thome to the Minnesota Twins, this trend has taken on a new life in a different local franchise.
So I’m left to wonder, who will Minnesota sign next? I have my suspect list after the jump.
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Jack Hillen is a Good Goalie, Bad Chewer.
Alright, I NEVER post about Hockey and with the NFL Draft and Fantasy Baseball coming up, I probably never will again. So here it goes. Ok, so what we have here is an Islander by the name of…(/looks up name) Jack Hillen. Well, Mr. Hillen and the Islanders were playing the (/checks source) Washington Capitals and they have the best player in the world. Or at least the highest paid/ugliest player. I know that much. (/checks spelling) Alexander Ovechkin.
Well, Hillen decided it might be a good idea to try to stop Ovechkin’s slapshot. Like any normal hockey player. Except, Hillen decided to stop it…WITH HIS MOUTH! AHHHH!
Kudos, to Hillen’s head for not shattering into quarks because that shot looked hard. It broke his jaw and he’s out 6-8 weeks. I’ve broken my jaw once. It’s miserable, I lost 17 lbs in 3 weeks of smoothies. Except I got hit with brass knuckles at a bar. I’ve never gotten hit with a hockey puck but it looks bad. It looks worse than a baseball. I’ve been hit with lacrosse balls tons of times and they are solid rubber. In Division II the shots from an attackmen got up to about 88-92 MPH. I don’t know what that is in Europetalk but it’s pretty fast in America. Well, anyway, I got hit in the inner thigh once and I would’ve sworn it was going to hit me in the nuts. I didn’t get hit in the nuts and then I blacked out. It was crazy. So actually, I’m tougher than any hockey player. Good story right?
(wink and gunfingaz to PUNTE)
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Quick News from Logic
Welcome, Night Owls and Logicians. I spent my day yelling at people who tweet about their cats (with BrandonROTU and PUNTE) and making fun of people to their faces at the mall. What did you do?! Well, I’ve decided that since nothing can measure up to the Greg Oden post (Ed. Note: between his legs! Am I right?), I’m going to throw in a quick news dump of important stuff going on:
- The first Mock Draft for the NFL is up! This is something that I cover just as closely as I cover fantasy football. I may be wrong about who goes where, but face it. McShay and Kiper are just as wrong and even bigger douches. I might give you some nice analysis, but it’s guaranteed I will give you false hope about your teams’ first round move! Just chalk it up right now that I think undersized, speedy backs like Leon Washington will go much earlier than normal. Lookin’ at you CJ Spiller. Other notes: Clausen 4th over all to Washington and Tebow falls into the second round to Denver. Just something to prepare for because I will drop 2000 words on a Mock Draft.
- Paul Shirley was an ex-NBa’er of some sorts. That’s way too much punctuation to describe someone in the NBA, but whatever. I’m over it. I guess this guy was a former player and now, due tot he writer, former freelance writer for the ESPN on basketball. Why he sent in a piece about 3rd world countries and their birth rates is kind of over my head. I don’t get it? It’s not his job to write about that stuff. He writes for a sports website about sports. It should be simple. He deserves a standing elbow strike to the face just for making headlines because he was TRYING to make headlines.
- The Yankees have picked up OF, Randy Winn. I’m lukewarm towards this move. Sure, they found someone who can split the spot clean with Gardener. But the depressing thing is Johnny Damon is gone. He’s a crowd-pleaser that will get you 20-25 homeruns and 80-something RBI’s. I was sad to see him go.
- Ben Sheets signed with the Athletic. 6 starts and he’ll fall apart at the limbs like someone took fishing wire to his joints at 150 mph
- Hall of Fame denies Dawson access as a Cub. He’s going EXPO-NATION, BABY!
- Jim Thome signed with the Twins. More protection for Morneau.
- Padres signed Jon Garland. Solid pick up.
- Xavier Nady signed with the Cubs. Sucks. I wanted him as a Yankee but I feel compelled as a Yankees fan to root for the Cubs. I root for a Ying Yang!
- And the Mets have agreed to the terms of their new contract with Being a Loser and Having a Team That No One Wants To Go To.
- And lastly, Greg Oden is now appologizing about his pain stick. It went something like this: “I’m sorry about showing my private parts. It was sent to a ladyfriend. Honestly, how else did you think I was going to close? I ain’t got game. I’m not an attractive man. Plus, the bitches that know from basketball, know that I’m a giant pussy who gets hurt all the time. So you know, I gotta hit an audible and Check Hammer.
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The Hammer of Oden
Punter was right. This Oden pic is pure comedy gold and there is no one who can stay away from it. And no, it’s not the banner picture. That’s just kind of goofy. It’s the type of picture that makes you look and go: “How does an ugly motherf-cker like Greg Oden, get those hot white girls?” Well besides the obvious: “He’s a millionaire athlete and a recognizable face in basketball because he is basically the black Rocky Dennis“. The new evidence (LOGICal Heads Up: NSFW pictures of mandick over there…) is clearly overwhelming in the favor of Oden to show that he is a lady killer. Literally. I bet he’s killed a woman with his penis. If you are here just for the details of this enormous flesh sword that’s probably ruined father’s lives everwhere, then just know it drapes to half of his thigh. He is 7’0 tall. Go over the proportions in your head (get brain f-cked?). I sent my sources out to the professional world, and I’ve been told that Santanio Holmes and Visanthe Shianco just feel like less of men these days… Then, Tiger Woods was reported to have said: “Wait. All black guys are supposed to be hung similar to that?!? How come, I just love watermelon and talk through movies???!? GOD!!! WHYYYYY!!????!? GOD DAMN YOU 50% RACIAL SLUR GENERATOR! DAMN YOU TO HELL!” while falling to his knees in the rain.
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Last Call
Last Call is kind of like Blogkakke, only on PCP, LSD and ludes. Fuckin ludes man. Instead of just being a random link dump, it’s a place to gather with like minded sports fans, online betting fanatics, alcoholics and amateur comedians. So kick your shoes off, crack a beer and tell us a joke, spout off about that local sports team or just spout off about that time it burned when you had to pee. We don’t judge here, well Gimp does but as long as you stay away from his ficus, you’ll be fine.
Musical Interlude:
Warning, NSFW lyrics
Linkage:
Rand Ball: Micheal Rand and Drew Magary revive the Weekly Meltdown column in the wake of yesterdays Viking Meltdown.
Playboy: Ten nearly guaranteed ways to suck in bed.
Best Week Ever: The lovely and talented Michelle Collins presents a survivor guide for the Brangelina breakup, ie. the Hollywood Apocalypse.
Deadspin: When prank wars go wrong. See, this is why only suitable prank is stuffing a dead body in someones trunk. Nothing can go wrong with that one. continue on for excellence
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NFC Championship Preview
First of all, I’d like to thank First Derivative of the Phoenix Pub for the idea and for including me in his AFC Preview yesterday. Secondly I’d like to say thanks to PJD and Cajunboy for their participation. I had a few more writers lined up but because it was last minute they pulled out.
I had asked our guests the following questions:
A)Key to the game
B)What could be the other teams key to success
C)Your secret weapon/x-factor
D)Something you’d like to see happen
E)What do you think will happen/final score
PJD:
Before I jump into a preview from, unfortunately, a Vikings fan perspective on the NFC Championship game, I would like to first clear up some common misconceptions about the fans of our team. First, while the majority of our fans are overweight, so is the rest of America. The fans I know are mostly skinny nerds, which isnn’t any better, but does bring the fat average down. Second, we don’t all like having Favre on our team. Sure, we’re to blame for not shaking more fists at management for bringing him in this season, but it was hard to continue to shake vigorously when the Vikings jumped out to a 10-1 record. Still don’t like him though. Finally, being considered a fly over state by dickheads on either coast has given ever resident here an obnoxious inferiority complex that has thus stretched to our sports teams. There is zero confidence in any big game opportunities, but you know what? Surprisingly most fans have gone all in this year. We’re ready to beat the Saints, and here’s how.
A) The key to a Vikings win is going to be found in the front four and the ability for the Three Men and a Mullet to at least pressure, if not sack and maim, Drew Brees. This will be no easy task, as Breesus was only sacked 20 times this season and six times in the last six games. For reference, he’s gone down less frequently than your wife in the past six years. Brees isn’t terribly mobile though, and if the Vikings front four can press a surprisingly stout Saints offensive line they’ll have a chance to stop Brees and the Saints offense. Really, you ask? Well sure. Last week the Cowboys, alleged hottest team in the NFL, went to Minnesota and found their rascally rabbit of a quarterback, Tony Romo, running from a certain death due to the Vikings front four pressure. With the Vikings playing on the same type of speed assisting turf in the Superdome and crowd noise not being a factor for the defense, the pressure should still be there. The only concern should be for those who popped up on the injury report this week for the Vikings, both Ray Edwards and Kevin Williams. Both will play, but will be at less than 100%. So will I though, because I’ll be schmasted.
B) With that being said, if Brees starts getting on a roll the Vikings will get horned in the ass. As obvious as it seems to say, the Saints still live and die with Mr. Mole Face. When Drew strikes early to his myriad of weapons, teams are forced to play catch up, which allows for NFC North retread Darren Sharper to play opportunistic defense. Facing a deficit of 14 or more points for the Vikings will be devastating, and for the Saints, only Drew Brees can get them to that point. Why not play even Stevens and have the Saints run the ball? Because the Vikings are still stout up front, despite a seasonal dip in comparison to years prior, and why would you take the ball out of Brees’ hands? Only Vikings’ coach Brad Childress would be that stupid. /sigh.
C) Viking fans’ kilts (they wear kilts, right? I don’t know) were all in a bunch this week when the injury report indicated that stand out rookie Percy Harvin was suffering from his reoccurring migraines again and his status for Sunday was in question. That momentary wedgie loosened Saturday when left tackle Bryant McKinnie shared a video on Twitter of Harvin getting ready to take the team plane down to New Orleans. With Harvin apparently good to go, he provides the major X-Factor (not comic book related) in this game. While people have been talking about Reggie Bush’s game last week as well as his stellar outing against the Vikings in 2008, Harvin is being overlooked. Why? Couldn’t tell you. While Bush has made an effort to be unimpressive throughout his NFL career, Harvin has gone the opposite route and has pimp slapped the league in his rookie year. All season he has been critical in providing the Vikings with great field position and has served as a third down outlet for the Land Baron to look at. Also, the potential for match up headaches (migraines?) is fantastic when Harvin is in the game, and the Saints don’t have a defender that can stop him. If Percy plays to his ability, he drastically changes the dynamics of the game.
D) All the attention for this game has been placed on the quarterbacks and offenses, and for good reason. Favre and Brees are two of the best this year as they lead offensives ranked second and first in point totals, respectively. But most of this has been through the air. What I would love to see though, just once more even if it’s only for old time’s sake, would be for Adrian “Purple Jesus” Peterson to take over a football game again and grind it out on the ground. People seem to think he’s had a bad year since he hasn’t topped 100 yards in a game since week 10 against Detroit, but Peterson hasn’t really had to do much this year with Favre around. He’s still topped 1,300 yards and pulled in 18 touchdowns. Uh, I’ll take that any year from a running back. Regardless, fans and media people alike are still clamoring for a vintage Purple Jesus type of game. If the Vikings offensive line decides to let their testicles drop and open up some holes for Peterson, and Peterson decides to not fumble the ball and keep the offense on the field, the Saints will be hard pressed to score points in their limited possessions and beat the Vikings. Wait, is that a Maddenism?
E) I hate trying to pick this game because I know it’s going to be a classic. These two teams are evenly matched almost across the board, so trying to determine winners based off match ups seems stupid and pompous. Luckily, I’m just stupid, so let’s look at some stupid facts. No team that has lost their last three games of the regular season (Saints) has won a Super Bowl. Not since 1993 have two number one seeded playoff teams faced each other in the Super Bowl either. The Colts are going to castrate the Jets, so history favors the Vikings. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if the NFL rigs a Favre-Manning Super Bowl. Shit would be epic, and everyone would be cheering for the Colts. Except for me. There’s a feeling around my part of the country that the sins from the Vikings 1998 season (NFC Championship game against the Falcons, anyone?) are going to be exercised this weekend and that if the Vikings can keep things close going into the fourth quarter, that attention whore Favre will work some magic to pull out a win that sends the Vikings to the Super Bowl. It’ll be an entertaining game for sure, and since I was asked to actually make a pick, I will throw out a 27-23 Vikings win. Let the booing commence.
Cajunboy:
A)Key to the game for the Saints…The key to the game for the Saints is containing Adrian Peterson. Our run defense has been our greatest defensive weakness down the stretch and if they’re able to run the ball effectively, it eats the clock and keeps our offense off the field, and frankly that’s the best defense against the Saints offensive attack.
B)What could be the other teams key to success if they’re able to pull it off…Besides running the ball effectively, pressuring the hell out of Drew Brees. If they can fluster Drew a bit and force him into making some mistakes, which he doesn’t often do, we may be toast.
C)Your secret weapon/x-factor…I think the fact that one of our safeties, Darren Sharper, played for Minnesota for the past few seasons before coming to us, in addition to playing with Favre for 8 seasons in Green Bay prior to that, could play a big factor in slowing them down when they throw the ball. You be hard-pressed to find a defensive player in the NFL with more insight into how to defend Brett Favre.
D)Something you’d like to see happen…I’d like to see Darren Sharper return an interception for a touchdown, or I’d love to see Reggie Bush return a punt for a touchdown. But ultimately, I just want to see us win.
E)What do you think will happen/final score…Saints 34, Vikings 27. A nailbiter.
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