Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes

 

Hello. Welcome to a giant fantasy rundown. I saw this survey labeled “Reality Check” by Matthew Berry on ESPN’s site. I thought it would be a cool idea if I answer all of the questions he answered and measure up to him in January of 2011 (if I make it). I’m also going to try to keep the answers related to the sports that he used, even when the questions don’t state it! Look, mom! I’m unbiased! Lastly, I’ll be adding commentary because face it, Matthew Berry isn’t funny.

Your fondest sports wish for 2010 is:
Deciding between Chris Johnson’s leg injury and a winning season from the Giants

Why will this happen/not happen?
It’s just f-cking got to, man.

Any sport, who is your biggest sleeper pick for 2010?
Darren McFadden

Any sport, which player do you fear will let you down, but you feel compelled to keep drafting him anyway?
Aubrey Huff

Which player has let you down one too many times and is now “dead to you”?
Braylon Edwards

Let’s talk Football

Who will be …

… The first quarterback drafted in fantasy football leagues? Peyton Manning
… The first running back? Chris Johnson but don’t take him because of the effing leg injury.
… The first wide receiver? Gah, WRs sucked this year. Andre Johnson
… The first rookie? Does Suh play offense? Well, then…Dez Bryant
… The NFL MVP? With all this talk, Darrell Revis. But seriously, I say Peyton Manning
… The fantasy football MVP (most value for draft position)? Felix Jones
… Fantasy football’s leading scorer? Aaron Rodgers

The Name Game …
Which player would you rather draft in 2010?

Frank Gore or Ray Rice? Ray Rice even though Gore will bounce back.
Terrell Owens or LaDainian Tomlinson? LT because TO faded much faster.
DeSean Jackson or Brandon Marshall? DeSean Jackson. Really this is just to kiss ass to AJ Daulerio because AJ is all over those nuts.
Vernon Davis or Antonio Gates? Antonio Gates. Always take a perennial all-star over a once upon a time break out season
Jay Cutler or Kyle Orton? Jay Cutler. Always take a risky pick over a game manager. Hopefully this is your second QB
Fred Jackson or Jonathan Stewart? Jonathan Stewart. The Panthers should dish one of these guys for a QB.
Knowshon Moreno or Beanie Wells? Knowshon Moreno if he can stop eating all those BUTTERFINGERS! HIOOOO!!!!
Shonn Greene or LeSean McCoy? According to my friend, Greene is the next Walter Payton. According to me? Pffffttttt. McCoy.
Miles Austin or Roddy White? Miles Austin. This guy is a stud. Raw talent.
Steve Smith or Steve Smith? NYG. Homer pick. Eff off.

Playing with Numbers:
Predict the 2010 stat.

Tom Brady’s passing touchdowns: 29
Michael Vick’s total touchdowns: 7
Adrian Peterson’s total yards: 1,689
Chris Johnson’s total yards: 1,400 (sticking with the leg injury)
Terrell Owens touchdowns: 3
Brett Favre games played: 0.
Kurt Warner games played: 0.
Matt Forte’s average draft position: 3rd round in my 12 team league.

Play Ball!

Who will be …

… The second player taken in fantasy leagues? Last year, in my draft, it was Pujols. This year? A-Rod.
… The first starting pitcher? CC Sabathia.
… The first closer? Mariano Rivera
… The second catcher? Victor Martinez,
… The AL MVP? Mark Teixiera
… The NL MVP? Albert Pujols
… The AL Cy Young? CC Sabathia
… The NL Cy Young? Roy Halladay
… The AL Rookie of the Year? Wade Davis
… The NL Rookie of the Year? Stephen Strasburg
… The fantasy baseball MVP (most value for draft position)? Tim Hudson.
… The highest-rated player on Player Rater? Hanley Ramirez.

The Name Game …
Which player would you rather draft in 2010?

Hanley Ramirez or Alex Rodriguez? Hanley Ramirez
Tim Lincecum or Zack Greinke? Tim Lincecum. Greinke cries to much.
Roy Halladay or Chris Carpenter? Roy Halladay. Carpenter is back on the DL.
Ryan Braun or Matt Kemp? Ryan Braun. Kemp’s mind is on the bearded clm
Yovani Gallardo or Josh Johnson? Josh Johnson
Prince Fielder or Ryan Howard? Prince Fielder
Adam Lind or Josh Hamilton? Josh Hamilton. He shouldn’t be a failure again or it’s back to the drugs.
Aaron Hill or Ben Zobrist? Zobrist. One time, I told him he had an ass like his sister and he gave the Bleechers an insane look. #FACT.
Evan Longoria or Mark Teixeira? Mark Teixeira
Mariano Rivera or Jonathan Broxton? Mariano Rivera

Playing with Numbers:
Predict the 2010 stat.

Roy Halladay wins: 20
Cliff Lee wins: 14
Mark Reynolds home runs and batting average: 30 and .278
Joe Mauer’s batting average and home runs: .340 and 21
Chone Figgins and Ichiro Suzuki’s stolen bases: 54 and 28.
Matt Capps saves: 27
Javier Vazquez wins, ERA and WHIP: 14, 3.45, 1.15
Stephen Strasburg’s wins, ERA and WHIP: 11, 4.35, 1.30
Alfonso Soriano’s average draft position: 8th round.

Mad Gabs

Fill in the blanks to formulate 10 predictions for 2010. Do not limit yourself to football or baseball

• In 2010,Donovan McNabb will never forget 9/11.
• There is no way that Grady Sizemore will let me down again.  (come on, Coffee-dick)
• Joey Votto will be this year’s Evan Longoria.
• If basketball doesn’t let Gilbert Arenas bring guns then 8 year old Long Island kids shouldn’t either.
• Derek Jeter will be the next big sports star to shock me in the news.
• There will be 4 players that hit over 40 home runs.
• … but only 1 players that over 50
• Matthew Berry will never find a sense of humor
• This is the year that I finally ask out my crush.
• 2010 will forever be remembered as the year Logic beat out reason.

Have we missed anything?

What question do you wish you had been asked on this survey?
Logic, what is the legal age of consent?

And the answer is?
“Hollaaaaaa”

*raises roof*

What question are you glad you weren’t asked?
Didn’t you say this New York football Giants would be 12-4?

Sucker! Now you have to answer.
Yeah, well I bet when you were born someone walked by your mother and said “Oh, look. That cunt is coming out of some cunt’s cunt”.

Any sport, who is your biggest sleeper pick for 2010?
Tim Tebow

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