Damn, how sick are you of reading about Minnesota sports teams? I would guess probably about as sick as I am of them losing. Since you probably pay more attention than you want to towards them though, and since I am burdened with having to follow these ass hats throughout the years, I have stumbled upon an interesting trend that has reared it’s ugly head in this hat state (you know, the hat on the Iowa man? … ah forget it). Namely, Minnesota has become the landing sport for aging athletes that have nowhere else to go. Why? Because we’ll pay them what they’re not worth, I guess, but also because the other, typically better, teams have more expensive young talent that has replaced these old saggy balled athletes. Look no further than Brett Favre in the Vikings 2009 season and before him their complete lack of established young quarterback talent. And with the signing this past week of Jim Thome to the Minnesota Twins, this trend has taken on a new life in a different local franchise.
So I’m left to wonder, who will Minnesota sign next? I have my suspect list after the jump.
- With plenty of cap space in 2010-2011 for the Minnesota Timberwolves, the dumpy franchise will forgo what all other franchises have attempted to do in freeing up cap space to sign big name, young, team changing stars and go after former greats Chris Webber, Dikembe Mutombo, Sam Cassell (again) and Gary Payton. Why? Because they all just want one more shot! Really? Maybe they’ll also trade for Gilbert Arenas then. /obligatory gun joke.
- The Minnesota Thunder (I think that’s the local soccer team, although I could easily be making this up) will obviously attempt to sign Pele, which will falter miserably once he realizes that it’s a fucking high of nine degrees here.
- The Saint Paul Saints, local minor league baseball team that was notably owned and operated by a one Bill Murray will sign Daryl Strawberry for a game this summer in order to sponsor “Chocolate Dipper Strawberry” night at the game. This one? It may actually happen. They are just crazy enough to do it.
- The Twins have heard that Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds may still be interested in playing, and of course the Twins are always looking for bullshit power hitters when they should be looking at pitching and infield defense (Delmon Young, I’m looking at your overrated game and your stupid flame tattoos on your arms).
- The Minnesota Golden Gophers football team, while not technically allowed to sign an older player to play college football for cash consideration, will have no reservations about digging up the corpse of Bronco Nagurski to be their stalwart on defense. Of course, when they lose to South Dakota State in 2010 they will be the only ones surprised.
- The Minnesota Wild? I don’t know nor do I fucking care. Would you believe I’m the only douche bag in the state that completely dislikes hockey? It’s true. I don’t even like it in video game form!
Far fetched? Sure. Unlikely? Not as much as you think. Although I don’t actually expect anyone to, if you dare to keep your eyes on Minnesota sports over the next few years I am sure you’ll find some of your old, favorite athletes making a comeback appearance. Hey, is that Will Clark?!
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