NFL Players for Sale!

: Hey. Isn't that your dad?

(alternate caption: Isn’t it weird that someone actually had to pose/dress like that?)

I know it’s only the 2nd week of the Playoffs but I can’t care less. As a Giants fan, I need something to look forward to. And at 8-8, we have the 15th pick. And I did suit up at linebacker for a game, which is why I can say “we”. It’s also why they were miserable. Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of players that I would replace. Here’s my sales pitch (sans Brandon Jacobs because who would want that fat pussy?):

Marion Barber III (Dallas Cowboys): (most likely gone after that performance in the playoffs from Jerry’s prize alma mater). Like a mini-Brandon Jacobs! A bruising tailback that will guarantee you at least 600 yards and 13 games a season! Relatively new. Only reason he is on the lot, because previous owner upgraded for something with more than one gear.

LenDale White (Tennessee Titans): Oh boy do we have a sale for you! 1 previous owner on a Ford F-350 prototype. We once crashed this thing through a brick wall! Have we mentioned it runs on tequilla?

Brady Quinn (Cleveland Browns): Who wouldn’t want to take this little number for a ride! RAWR!

Antonio Pierce (New York Giants): Think investing in a possible felon isn’t for you? Look how many ticket the Eagles sold! That guy murdered puppies! That’s what you do when you compare bad shit, like “At least he didn’t murder puppies…” This guy just hid a gun across state lines. Who’s at fault? The state of New Jersey. They are a New York team! It’s confusing! Also because of “The Situation”.

Shayne Graham (Cincinnati Bengals): PRACTICALLY GIVING HIM AWAY! NOW ACCEPTING DISCOVER AND BITS OF STRING!

Adalius Thomas (New England Patriots): A former STUD turned LEMON. With a little elbow grease, he can return to glory. The previous owner’s warranty was up and the dealer won’t take him back.

and the SUPER SAVINGS SPECIAL is a PACKAGE DEAL!

Jason Campbell, Clinton Portis and Antwaan Randel El (Washington Redskins): You can run an entire offense with these 3! We still don’t know who is the fastest or has the best throwing arm, just throw them out there and let them run around! And you get all of this FREE! With the purchase of one Jim Zorn.

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