Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes

Welcome, Night Owls and Logicians. I spent my day yelling at people who tweet about their cats (with BrandonROTU and PUNTE) and making fun of people to their faces at the mall. What did you do?! Well, I’ve decided that since nothing can measure up to the Greg Oden post (Ed. Note: between his legs! Am I right?), I’m going to throw in a quick news dump of important stuff going on:

• The first Mock Draft for the NFL is up! This is something that I cover just as closely as I cover fantasy football. I may be wrong about who goes where, but face it. McShay and Kiper are just as wrong and even bigger douches. I might give you some nice analysis, but it’s guaranteed I will give you false hope about your teams’ first round move! Just chalk it up right now that I think undersized, speedy backs like Leon Washington will go much earlier than normal. Lookin’ at you CJ Spiller. Other notes: Clausen 4th over all to Washington and Tebow falls into the second round to Denver. Just something to prepare for because I will drop 2000 words on a Mock Draft.

• Paul Shirley was an ex-NBa’er of some sorts. That’s way too much punctuation to describe someone in the NBA, but whatever. I’m over it. I guess this guy was a former player and now, due tot he writer, former freelance writer for the ESPN on basketball. Why he sent in a piece about 3rd world countries and their birth rates is kind of over my head. I don’t get it? It’s not his job to write about that stuff. He writes for a sports website about sports. It should be simple. He deserves a standing elbow strike to the face just for making headlines because he was TRYING to make headlines.

• The Yankees have picked up OF, Randy Winn. I’m lukewarm towards this move. Sure, they found someone who can split the spot clean with Gardener. But the depressing thing is Johnny Damon is gone. He’s a crowd-pleaser that will get you 20-25 homeruns and 80-something RBI’s. I was sad to see him go.
• Ben Sheets signed with the Athletic. 6 starts and he’ll fall apart at the limbs like someone took fishing wire to his joints at 150 mph
• Hall of Fame denies Dawson access as a Cub. He’s going EXPO-NATION, BABY!
• Jim Thome signed with the Twins. More protection for Morneau.
• Padres signed Jon Garland. Solid pick up.
• Xavier Nady signed with the Cubs. Sucks. I wanted him as a Yankee but I feel compelled as a Yankees fan to root for the Cubs. I root for a Ying Yang!
• And the Mets have agreed to the terms of their new contract with Being a Loser and Having a Team That No One Wants To Go To.

• And lastly, Greg Oden is now appologizing about his pain stick. It went something like this: “I’m sorry about showing my private parts. It was sent to a ladyfriend. Honestly, how else did you think I was going to close? I ain’t got game. I’m not an attractive man. Plus, the bitches that know from basketball, know that I’m a giant pussy who gets hurt all the time. So you know, I gotta hit an audible and Check Hammer.

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