On the off-chance that you’ve been in a biodome for 15 years (and/or are physically incapable of scrolling down to the post below this one), it may come as news that the Pro Bowl is a joke. You’re also probably sick of hearing “The Safety Dance,” but I digress. The game of football isn’t something that lends itself to a watchable half-speed product- unlike other pro sports, which can get away with an offensive barrage in an All-Star game. And because they moved the event to a) the site of the Super Bowl (which has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Miami would be cheaper than Hawaii and I’m appalled that you would think of such a thing) and b) the weekend between conference championship games and the Super Bowl, now half the starters aren’t playing due to injuries, or the fact that they are in the Super Bowl. Shockingly, the teams that made the Super Bowl, in an exceptionally top heavy league, had multiple people elected to the Pro Bowl. So, we’re going to watch an “All-Star” game where Ryan Fitzpatrick is probably the third string quarterback…riiiiight.
Now then, how do you fix the problem? So glad you asked, person who poses questions that make transition easier. Because I am the great and powerful Oz (or something) I know how to fix make the Pro Bowl borderline watchable.
1) Make It A Weekend- Possibly the best thing going in the NBA is All-Star Weekend (if only they could get stars in the dunk competition…alas, that’s another post). The tape-delayed skills comp that gets shown on ESPN2 at odd hours of the day is not a weekend. Keeping the skills would be a good thing, but make sure it’s live, and make the players care- put money for charity on the line, or something. But there needs to be more. An afternoon Rock-and-Jock-esque game would do wonders. Think about it- letting Ochocinco and some of the more interesting players team up with celebs of varying nature in a flag football game. With no celebration rules. Take the No Fun league and unbutton the top button- something the league needs desperately…and “being like a kid out there” doesn’t quite cut it. Use this weekend to announce things about the upcoming year- schedules, rule changes, uniform changes for the upcoming year, anything. You’re going against NHL/NBA regular season and pitchers and catchers almost reporting on Sportscenter- you can dominate that.
2) Get Rid Of The Pro Bowl- Being counter-intuitive is fun! See, here’s where we start remaking this thing. The game itself is terrible. Looking at the other All-Star games, they all have their purpose. The MLB game gives stars a last goodbye on a big stage (like Cal Ripken Jr.), a generally light-hearted game that can get competitive, and home-field in the World Series. The NHL game has an entertaining skills competition and a game that gives wonderfully high scores. Likewise in the NBA, where the scoring duels end up so legendary that Bill Simmons will spend pages gushing about them in his book. The Pro Bowl? None of that. I couldn’t name a Pro Bowl MVP, or even a winner, from the last decade. The players generally find reasons not to play, and this year the league gave Super Bowl teams another one- so really, what’s the point? Just announce the rosters and leave that as the honor. But you still need a marquee event for the weekend…
3) Take Over The Senior Bowl- The Senior Bowl is the premiere showcase for players headed to the NFL. Show the game Sunday, have active players act as position coaches through the week and broadcast the practices on the NFL Network. Even better, the game only features seniors, so the league isn’t encouraging early entrants. With the NFL making the draft into an entire weekend, bringing more attention to the draftees will only help. It would also encourage some of the marquee seniors that are on the fence about participating to do so. The obvious downside would be that the price of gasoline would go up, what with Mel Kiper Jr. being on TV more (/rimshot).
4) “Smear the Queer”- Ok, so there’s a near-certainty that someone would get hurt, and there’s no way any organization would let the name fly. That said, if this wouldn’t be the most watched event, I don’t even know what to think. Would Peyton throw the ball just before someone hit him? Would Chris Johnson ever get caught? How would a lineman do? Just admit, it would be awesome. Other playground football-based games could make it in as well- depending where you came from, it has different names, but we called it “Interception”, where one guy throws it into a crowd and you all try to catch it. It’s like a jump ball/Hail Mary pass every time. Moss, Revis and Jared Allen all jumping for the same ball- you can’t tell me that isn’t good TV. And it does the dual purpose of connecting with young fans- the “Hey, I play that!” factor. Tie it in with Play 60, and it’s a force to be reckoned with. It beats the pants off that Two-Ball thing the NBA did, that’s for sure.
5) Revisit Combine Drills with Current Players- Part of the fun for any combine junkie is watching the various drills and ranking the participants. Take these guys and put them back through that. Who runs the fastest 40? Who owns the bench press now? And if you think I don’t want to see what JaMarcus Russell gets on his Wonderlic this time around (obvious answer: gravy), you’re crazy. It has enough competitive spirit to keep the players interested, but also takes out obvious injury concerns. Essentially, it would be the NFL’s best answer to the dunk contest. If they can rope some other athletes into doing it as well, the appeal explodes- Ovechkin vs. Bolt vs. Chris Johnson vs. B.J. Upton in a 40 yard dash would be epic. The Rock ‘n Jock format could carry over here, too- let’s see what kind of reps Taylor Swift can put up at 225.
6) Old Timers Game- Now, I don’t mean get Jim Brown to suit up- take some of the retirees that can still function and play a flag football game. Granted, “Pros vs. Joes” will be mad if someone blows out a knee. But seeing Marino and Kelly quarterback teams with guys like Jerry Rice and Michael Irvin would be epic. Even better, all uniforms will be designed by Deion Sanders and Shannon Sharpe. (Leon Phelps approves, obviously.) Instead of dividing them into teams based on conference, divide them by changing criteria every year. Bad Guys vs. Good Guys one year (and face it, the players would identify with one or the other), maybe Linemen/LBs vs. Glory Boys the next. Sell the game worn unis afterward, give all the money to the United Way.
At this point, I’ll gladly accept my check from Roger Goodell. You now have the premiere All-Star weekend. Now, if we could just talk about that overtime…
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all good ideas that should be implemented immediately
I personally, don’t think I’ll ever be sick of The Safety Dance.
I wholly concur
I think you would need to add uniform duties for Keyshawn Johnson as well, calling it “Key Matchups”. You know.
I can get down with a bit of an unbuttoned shirt, just for the record.
They already do 1, 3, and 6. No player would ever consent to 5 (going through the combine is about as fun as a colonoscopy), 4 would be awesome, and 2 might just happen some day.
I had about the same thoughts the other day, the game is stupid, I don’t think I’ve seen more than 5 total minutes of the Pro Bowl, but I would sit down and watch the hell out of a lot of those events, especially a rock and jock game. Having a 2-3 hour block of various Play 60 games would be perfect, and get kids involved, what kid wouldn’t want to play “500″ with Peyton Manning throwing them bombs?
@Chris Hanson’s Axe
The idea with bringing up 1 and 3 was to say that the current incarnations of them suck. It’s a weekend, but there’s not a marquee event other than the game (like MLB has with the Home Run Derby, NBA with the Dunk Contest and NHL Skills Comp). And they have the Senior Bowl, but it’s not really fleshed out to the degree I was going for. I’m thinking, put the game on ABC/NBC/CBS (Scratch NBC, Leno wants the timeslot) get it some legit exposure. It’s on NFLN, it might as well be on TSN.
I’m guessing the combine would be more fun if they didn’t have to do every event, and their draft position/pay wasn’t directly affected by it. And trimming out some of the less glamorous events would help that.
@Adam- 500! I could not think of that name for the life of me.
@PJD- Key gets to outfit the refs.
Isn’t every Senior Bowl practice already on NFL Network? I had it last year at school and I swear I remember a whole bunch of practices and scrimmages and workouts. Maybe that was another game, or they stopped showing it this year, but I’m 90% sure they already have exactly what you described on the NFL Network.
I think they do have the practices, you’re right. Probably could have fleshed out what I was thinking a bit better above- essentially the practices would be televised with the current players coaching positions, while mic’d up. I’d love to hear Favre talk to Tebow about quarterbacking, if only because announcers everywhere would need to change their pants. So the basic idea, yes, they currently do. I suppose I’d look to enhance the current coverage.
Yeah the Rock and Jock game was by far the coolest idea. I used to watch the shit out of that on MTV. Nelly always stole the show though…
Fuck Nelly. I was a Bill Bellamy guy.
They used to have a beach football game every year as part of their skills challenge. I think it involved rookies and 2nd year players or something. It ended right about the time Robert Edwards shredded his knee.