Sorry for the delay with the mailbag folks. I had computer cancer AIDS this week, so things got a little jumbled up. From this day forward, we will be answering any and all questions on Friday mornings. Having said that, if you get me a question either by Twitter or by mail early Friday morning, I’ll answer it.
This week was a small mailbag as we only had one question come in, so I brought in a guest question answer person: Amber Jones.
Samer K: In basketball, would you rather be really good at dunking or shooting in general?
Amber Jones: I would rather be a really good, physical shooter. To be able to hit clutch 3′s, but drive the lane like I was Evan Bernard and get inside for some key layups would be dope. I’d want to be scrappy and not afraid to get banged up (Yes, I lobbed that one up there for you fools), and be able to hit free throws like no one’s business.
Gally: Tricky question from Samer here. If you could shoot real well, you might be able to make millions of dollars as a NBA player. Hell, Hedo Turkoglu just signed a $50 million dollar contract. I’m going to have to go with amazing dunking ability. First of all, I’m only 5’10″. If I’m going to have sweet dunking ability that means that this mythical me is probably going to be a bit taller than this one that exists. Shut the fuck up Spud Webb. Secondly, if this mythical me gets bigger, I’d assume that I’d stay proportional and get a bigger penis out of the deal. So win for me on all fronts.
To commemorate dunking’s win over shooting, ladies and gentlemen I present Shawn Kemp.
Shawn: Hey, hey, hey folks! Are we going to continue this gay mythical, hypothetical talk, or do y’all want to watch me dunk some balls?
A Russian hockey team with an amount of firepower that would make even SPECTRE’s most elite evil scientists blush goes out with a whimper against a Canadian team that was considered dead in the water just two days prior. Throw in some early playoff exits, and the face of the team, Alex Ovechkin, is starting to get a reputation for choking (I, for one, am stunned that those steel teeth can chew through a cable, but not pare food down to an acceptable size) in big moments. Sure, there were other stars on that Russian team- Evgeni Malkin, for one- but at the end of the day, it was AO’s team. So, without further ado, I’ve assembled a list of things to keep away from Ovechkin. Just in case.
McDonald’s Happy Meal Toys (unless approved for children under 3)
Legos (Mega Blocks may be ok)
Mr. Potato Head
Cucumbers
Carrots
Celery
Loaves of Bread
Croutons
Popsicles
Hot Dogs
Pop Bottles
Blow-Pops
Dum-Dums
Saf-T-Pops
Bottle Caps
Alexander Semin (/rimshot)
Pierre McGuire (Er, wait, that’d be the other way around)
Logic’s groin area (Just kidding. No risk there. BA-ZING BLOG BURN)
Amazing what one can do with DVR and an iPhone. Thanks to reader FlankerNips for the picture. Ok, now the Tony Kornheiser thing has been blown way out of proportion. Deadspin posted an article claiming that there could be an underbelly to the story…about how TK took a shot at Chris Berman’s weight. Jason Whitlock got really mad (Ed Note: Like a big, fat, black baby. Kind of like the kid from “The Cleveland Show) and had a little twitter battle with AJ Daulerio. After Whitlock blocked Daulerio, AJ did the one thing any reasonable man would do. Curse him out via email.
That’s all well and good. I’ve done that thousands of times. I wish I still had the snotty email I sent MTV’s “Made” about not hiring me as a Lacrosse Coach. Regardless of that situation, it’s kind of stupid that TK can’t talk about his “co-workers” on his radio show. Isn’t that controlling the media? Like what the Nazis did? It’s bad enough ESPN has a global monopoly on sporting news, but to actually suspend a dude for commenting on some broad’s attire? C’mon. Where are the anti-trust laws?
Just look at the daffy bitch! Is she kidding me? She is TRYING to get attention for her ludicrous outfits. Whether it is the go-go boots and the sausage flaps, or the stupid army get up…this broad looks like she gets dressed in the dark. At first, when I heard her name…I thought she would be hot. Hannah Storm sounds like she would be a super-hero who sexily shoots lightning to subdue female bank robbers. No such luck. Instead she has the super power to make me cringe. I’m looking at a dame, way past her prime, talking about sports and looking like her wardrobe was shot out of a cannon at an Arena Football game. This is my Hell.
Tony Kornheiser was right to criticize her and I commend him for even apologizing (even though it was an “I’m sorry I got caught” apology.) What’s the point of being in the media if you can’t criticize people regardless of where they work? This was the major problem I had with Steve Phillips bagging that troll. ESPN did not even recognize it on any of it’s radio stations or during the entire day on Sports Center. Meanwhile, they had CSPAN like coverage of every harlot Tiger Woods stuck his flesh flute in. It’s hypocrisy, I tell you! I say that if this trick wants to walk around like Blinkin from Robin Hood: Men in Tights lays out her clothes in the morning, we should have the opportunity, NAY! The right, to make fun of her!
What’s up guys? A whole bunch of sports headlines, Brian Westbrook…LaDanian Tomlinson…Tony Kornheiser… Pffttt. There really isn’t anything going on that isn’t Olympics related. Whatever, I’m over it. Especially when Hillary Duff be blowin’ dudes and what not.
Tunes: Company of Thieves- Even in the Dark (live at Horseshoe Bend in Arizona)
First up, we got Ufford writing for the actual Uproxx website and 6 ways to bother your commenters. Is it me or does his best work come when he is yelling at internet commenters? (See also, KSK)
Actually, a double dose of of Ufford is in order because he found some pictures of The Situation with Bar Rafaeli. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been trying to MMA fight the Situation for a while now…but now, I won’t stop until all of his blood is out of his body.
Second song: Ke$ha- Tik Tok (cover)
PUNTE has the scoop on Michael Vick getting offered some money for Playgirl. Do girls even read that? Shouldn’t it just be called Playgay or something much funnier than that?
I really hope they do this Captain America movie right and just cast Randy Couture
I’ve just spent hours on the /b/ thread at 4Chan. I didn’t know whether to link Battletoads or Michael Tri-Cera-tops. I’ve known about 4Chan but never really looked at what they do there…Jesus tapdancing Christ. Those guys are so meme’d out it’s unreadable to the newfags.
I think this dog wants to take a run at Birthday Dog for the title of Birthday Dog
Mariusz Pudzianowski is fighting MMA now. Soon, there will be no 155 class. After Brock, Bobby Lashley and now him…these emm effers are getting bigger and bigger. Kind of like your dad at a Russian Bath House.
Alright I think that about covers it. What do you think Gangsta Asian man?
If there’s one thing I like more than steak, lesbian porn, and the occasional blumpkin it would have to be a good old fashion collision. And while soccer isn’t as contact oriented as say football and hockey, those footballers have been known to bring the pain from time to time. In this case it’s not a dirty slide tackle or a kick to an opponent’s head. No this time it’s one player crashing into his fellow teammate. Now I can’t really tell if the parties involved were really that injured or just really that embarrassed. However, while that is embarrassing, on the embarrassing scale crashing into your teammate is nowhere near as bad as that time I made out with my 2nd cousin as making out with your 2nd cousin at a frat party.
"It's cool man, I don't think anyone saw it." /pats and rubs back
Times are tough all over. Even in Vancouver, home of the 2010 Winter Games, athletes are finding it tough to secure employment for after their 16 days of glory are over. Sure, some people have gigs lined up. The Japanese and Dutch Women’s curling teams will be hired to play with rocks. Luge and skeleton participants will go back to their boring lives as minesweepers for the military, bomb technicians, and canaries for coal mines. And Phil Kessel will go back to counting down the days before he can go golfing again without the pressure of playoff hockey.
Perhaps the most distressed groups of Olympians are the biathletes. There may be a couple wars right now, but their skills just don’t apply. There’s no snow in Iraq, and there’s no where in Afghanistan that has snow that comes even close to being a cross-country style skiing area. So sadly, these world-class athletes are having to turn to shady private multinational organizations to find a gig. According to most biathletes, the most prominent in recruiting has been SPECTRE (SPecial Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion) who has been interviewing all medalists for a particular job. Sadly, this job is a short-term job that includes no benefits, no perks, and very little job security. In fact, according to Men’s 15k gold medalist Evgeny Ustyugov of Russia, it would be such a short-term job that it might not even cover travel expenses! ”They want me to kill Roger Moore” said Ustyugov. ”They actually think he’s still James Bond. It’s not even funny, because he’s got to be close to 80. I could knock on his door, hit him with a ski, and make it home for vodka and crumpets. I thought they were joking, but then they killed (silver medalist Christoph) Sumann for laughing at them.” Then he started to sob and stated “I might have to take it because it’s all there is for me, other than shooting protesting Redskins and Manchester United fans for ownership.”
If you haven’t noticed, I’m a blogger by convenience. Apparently I also say gay things, or so says a bunch of people who worship a purple team, have a sex slave as their avatar and someone who can’t stop thinking about wanking it. Not to mention the hottest blogger in Blogfrica! Pffttt. That’s like being the best suicide bomber at Pearl Harbor. I digress, my fantasy baseball season is about to begin with a draft on the Ides of March so I needed to do research. Which would make a good blog post. So you’re welcome, Internet.
There are many websites and experts in fantasy baseball with a lot to say and “keys to winning your league”, which you probably have to pay for. It’s really aggravating. Just like how Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay have jobs. I heard McShay in an interview, and he said don’t take Suh with the first pick…/sigh
Fantasy experts are retarded. I don’t even begin to beg you to take my advice, let alone pay for it like Matthew Berry. Hell, the guy has 200k followers on Twitter. I didn’t think rapidly balding dorks were “in”? The main difference between me and him is simple, I don’t encourage taking my advice. Actually, I encourage quite the opposite. I usually do miserable. I can’t predict injuries worth a crap. I had Grady Sizemore and Cole Hamels last year. In football, I had Peyton Manning on his worst year since his rookie season. Even when I draft perennial talent, they do bad. There is nothing you can control. This isn’t like being the banker in Monopoly. However, here is the strategy I’m going to follow this year:
Draft an infield first: Last year, I took two OF’s first. Grady Sizemore at 12th and Matt Holliday at 13th overall. It didn’t work out well. It was also my first year of fantasy baseball, so don’t kill me just yet. After this year, if I don’t improve…then kill me. Actually, I’ll commit seppuku. Well, the thing with taking outfielders as high picks is that the lower picked outfielders worked out better for the other guys. For instance, guys who drafted Ryan Braun, Carl Crawford or Jason Bay were much happier with their results than I was. This year, rather than reaching on guys like Ryan Braun, Carl Crawford, Matt Kemp (my top 3) why not draft a guy like Sizemore or Josh Hamilton coming off a down year? Or wait for a Zobrist or Adam Dunn. Those guys didn’t just lose their talent. Everyone is entitled to a down year. Also, See: Upton, BJ. (more…)
Last Call is kind of like Blogkakke, only on PCP, LSD and ludes. Fucking ludes man. Instead of just being a random link dump, it’s a place to congregate with fellow like minded sports fans, alcoholics and amateur comedians. So come on in, kick your shoes off and crack a beer; then regale us with a witty joke, bitch about that local sports team or ask Gimp about the best way to hide from your bookie. If you have something you’d like to see here, our contact info is over on the right and there’s always the tip line, tips @ thegallyblog.com
Howdy folks. This here is a special Last Call. Master gimp has returned to us, and might even poke his head in here tonight[edit:That's what she said.] if he’s not elbow deep in shit. Also, the ever lovely Berstreet will be gracing us with her presence tonight. Be nice kiddies and a give a big Boosh to nostalgia.
Musical Interlude:
Linkage:
Sportress of Blogitude: Blog friend, Weed vs. Speed, has finally arrived as a blogger. Sure, getting linked by With Leather or Deadspin is fun, but have you been linked by a medical site’s article on bleeding testicles? I didn’t think so. With Leather: Speaking of getting linked by With Leather, it’s the follow up to the 67 year old known as Epic Beard Man. (more…)
Note to self: If ever in the public eye whether it be as an athlete or celebrity remember to watch what you say on social media outlets, i.e. Facebook, Twitter, and the cesspool known as MySpace. You never know if it will come back and bite you on the ass.
Jemere Holland, the WR for the Oregon Ducks, scratch that, former WR for the Oregon Ducks, didn’t get that memo. Holland was apparently a tad upset/angry/maybe a little drunk when he posted the following message as his Facebook status around 4 am Sunday morning:
how the f**k you kick kinko off the team,,, on some weak sh**, niggas always faded he slipped up but ive been slippn up, and I’m still here, that sh** weak buff cuh could have done damage for the ducks, that sh** is weak, weak ass f**k, quote me SbB
And quote we shall. Quote we shall.
The “Kinko” in question would actually be Kiko Alonso, a redshirt sophomore. He was busted Saturday for a DUI, or as I like to call it, “the Frat Boy Special”. It’s also important to note that Kiko was the 4th Duck to be arrested in the last month, which to me means they’re really taking the off season seriously in order to one-up the LaGarette Blount sucker punch of yesteryear. One can only hope.
No word yet on if Kiko is off the team. However, I’m not sure what’s worse: getting a DUI and getting kicked off the team, or getting a DUI and still being forced to wear those ugly fucking jerseys.
Hey all you lonely, pathetic people! I missed the boat on all the invites for parties this weekend. Plus, I’m also working my real job at 8:00AM tomorrow. Does it matter? No! We can get a shit ton of alcohol and booze together over Chat Roulette! Or we can talk here, stare at pictures of Kimberly Phillips and Cheryl Cole while watching grown men in skimpy shorts physically imposing their will onto other grown men in skimpy shorts. Someone grab me a fucking Mountain Dew, I am all jacked up!!
via. 
