Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday November 26th 2011

Rehab is for Quitters: A Memorandum

The Face of a Liar.

Tiger woods latest scandal left everyone  in shock and awe. Everyone that is except for me. No one is perfect and when celebrities slip up, I am here to exploit it. Hopefully for money. Tiger, you shouldn’t have cheated. You had everything you ever needed: money, fame, and according to the Irish, a wife who’s face was so beautiful that it was worthy of being photoshopped in a nude photo. Which was great, at that point you don’t even need to see her naked. You can just imagine the body it was photoshopped onto. They did this with Megan Fox as well, did I mention she was in a Superwoman(NSFW) outfit? I mean, we’re all pink on the inside, right? Aherm. Anyway, moving along…

Tiger has since allegedly been shipped off to a sex rehabilitation program where I am sure they checked his bags for illegal contraband such as smokes, weapons, and lube. I’m also sure that if he googles himself and sees this article, that Megan Fox picture will cause him to fall the hell right off the wagon. I guess he wasn’t even given one more date with Jill, his trusty right hand who is currently not speaking to Ralph, his left hand. Don’t ask me. I think the phrase man is suppose to be implemented in that sentence somewhere, but I am not sure if any of his partners have come out and said they’re transvestites. All in all, it’s not fair to judge Tiger because he got caught cheating, he has millions of cameras on him daily. The fact that he got away with it for so long is almost as impressive as winning fourteen majors. For this, we applaud you Tiger. For wanting too much and being a greedy asshole, you lose $300 million. I hope Uchitel was worth it!

The most common ways to be caught cheating are the lip stick on the collar, bra in the back seat and condoms left on while you go to shower with your girlfriend. However, Tiger finally got caught when he ran his SUV into a curb at two in the morning sober!!! And this guy is the spokesperson for GM? No wonder they are sinking quicker than Atlantis. If Tiger was smart he would have ran into the house and downed a bunch of liquor and played the DUI card. At least that is a little less embarrassing than falling asleep rolling out of your driveway because you can’t handle your Ambien like a man! Just feed the media and Elin some garbage that would throw them off the scent of your taco breath.

TXT "Haiti" to 90999 for American Red Cross Relief by whileseated.
I'd Rather Spend 10$ to Help Tiger, That Dude Is Going to be Poor!

The media has been watching closely for any glimpse of proof of Tigers presence at sex rehab in Mississippi, so to report his stay as soon as possible. If you’re waiting for the most recent news on Tiger Woods don’t worry, there’s an app for that. But, if you don’t have an iPhone then I suggest you get to Haiti as soon as possible, where every care package includes water, bread, an iphone, and 20 shares of Nike stock. Have we mentioned the new Nike roofies that will have indents like golfballs? So, America (and Canada) do you think that Tiger Woods was serious in going to Sex Rehab? About as serious as Bam Margera’s dad is bout quitting donuts. Maybe he misses golf? Maybe he just doesn’t want to be in the God awful state of Mississippi anymore? Or maybe he just got stuck to Steve Phillips’ bed. Literally. That dude would hump anything. Have you seen Brook Hundley? Woof.

(Editor’s Note: This is the work of the man who passed way. He had submitted two unfinished posts that he had been working on. Logic came up with a concept to finish his post, in a Heath Ledger-esque tribute like The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus. All of Logic’s writing is in italics. So, Ryan “Kidd” Bidwell, we bid thee farewell. We hope you found the peace you were looking for, I’m sure we’ll meet on the other side. You’ll probably be the angel assigned to counting my sins. Get out your calculator…)

It looks like Kidd and I would have had a lot in common. RIP

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Related posts:

  1. Celebrity Sex Rehab, Season 2.
  2. Tiger had Way too Much Time on His Hands.
  3. Look! A Dead Horse! Let’s Beat it!

6 Comments for “Rehab is for Quitters: A Memorandum”

  • Jacob Powell says:

    Ryan I loved it, I wish I could have gotten the chance to tell you in person. You were a great friend, one of the funniest person I knew and will miss you man. Thanks for all the memories you have given me, I just wish we had time to add more to the list. Rest in peace my friend.

  • David Begum says:

    Tiger Woods is a very good golfer but his reputation as a cheating husband made him a bad character.-’`

  • Magnesium Ascorbate : says:

    who would have thought that tiger woods is a womanizer too”:`

  • Brendon says:

    I am truly impressed with your writing skills together with with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid design or do you customize it on your own? In any case keep up fantastic top quality writing, it is unusual to determine a fantastic site such as this one nowadays..

  • Bert says:

    I stumbled upon your webpage on yahoo and check some of the early discussions. Keep up great perform. Looking for forward to reading through extra by you later on!.

  • TYRONE says:

    just had an awesome time dialing into #teatimeKL with @kurrik to discuss the Twitter API – huge thanks to @nazroll for putting it together!

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