Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes

Howdy folks! Did you hear the news? The Super Bowl is going on this Sunday. It’s funny that I hadn’t heard anything about it. In more serious news, I reached out to some of my favorite bloggers and media types to ask them a few questions. If you didn’t get an email from me, sorry. I only had so much time. The questions I asked were, 1)What is something, anything that you’d like to see happen in the Super Bowl 2)What is your prediction for the game?[edit:apparently I switched up the order of questions at some point, so some of the answers are flipped but still make sense.] The answers I got back ranged from simple to in depth and were serious, deadpan, facetious and everything in between.

Drew Magary: Saints by 1. Drinking ensues

Josh Zerkle: I like the Saints 31-17. I’d really just like the game to be close going into the fourth quarter. I have a feeling it will be.

Jack Kogod/Unsilent: I’m predicting a win for the Colts. What I’d most like to see is Tom Benson accidentally poking Roger Goodell in the eye with his umbrella.

Dan Levy: I really want to see the game go down to the wire like the last two, but the odds aren’t in favor of that happening three games in a row. That’s not to say the game won’t be close, I just don’t see a tip-toe TD or helmet grab to end this one. I think it would be so great for the Saints to win, but I have a feeling the Colts will. As for what I’d like to see, I’d really like to see Reggie Bush do something bone-headed. And I’m not talking about something like a fumble trying to get more yards, or even a muffed punt like in the NFC title game. I mean like the old Reggie Bush of USC who would randomly lateral a ball in the open field in a National Title game. A ‘big-time players make big-time plays’ type of move. I don’t even care if it works. In fact, it might be cooler if he does try something crazy and pulls it off. But he’s one of the few guys in this game that could really give an OMFG moment, so I hope that happens.

Lenny-Hail Mary Jane: 1) I got the colts. Even though everytime I gone adamantly against the Saints this season they ended up winning and when I picked them they lost. I’m still taking the colts though. 2) I want to see a close game. Everyone is expecting an offensive shootout but I would love to see a game where both the teams score less than 20 points and one of two plays determine the game.

Brandon-ROTU,Gunaxin: 1) I see Peyton Manning throwing for over 300 yards in a narrow Colts loss. I think the Saints will screen pass and dink and/or dunk the Colts D to death. Saints 42, Colts 38. 2) I would like to see Archie Manning pull a Laura Quinn and wear a half Colts/half Saints jersey.

Grizzly: It would go beyond awesome if, as Peyton is accepting his MVP trophy from Dan Patrick/Terry Bradshaw/Whomever, he decides to go WWE style, stealing the mic from said presenter. Peyton would then go into a tirade along the lines of: “How ’bout that N’awlins? I really made it RAIN out there didn’t I?? I owned that first quarter more than Katrina decimated the French Quarter! Y’all can now go on home to your shanty’s and craw-daddy’s while I go get fitted for my yellow jacket…” Then amidst the drone of boos, and with Reggie Wayne trying to get Peyton off stage, the Shawn Micheals theme song interrupts Manning, and Drew Brees comes sprinting out on stage, only half undressed from the game. First laying down some sweet chin music, Brees would then get Peyton in the sharp-shooter, howelling into the epic chorus of cheers as Dan Patrick signs off with a “Now isn’t that the coolest Brees you’ve ever seen, back up to you guys.” Colts 37-Saints 28[Edit:Grizzly used to write here before deciding he didn't want an association with us degenerates to ruin his real writing career]

First Derivative: I’d like to see Reggie Bush make moves on a screen pass that stay on hilight clips for years. Like a 99 yard run where the whole colts defense loses their jock. I think we will see Peyton own in this game, the saints will not be able stop him, and the colts d does just enough. Colts 37, Saints 27

Sculptor: As to the pick, I want the Dolts to win, but I’m feeling that the Aints will. I think the 1st quarter will have a lot of action, and the 2nd quarter will be a snooze fest. Then the Dolts just won’t have shit for the 2nd half. I’m going with the Aints winning, 27-10. As far as what I’d like to see (other than a meteor taking out Pey-pey and Breesus in the same strike) is Archie’s head explode, Scanners style. Because that would be COOL. Barring that, I’d like to see the announcers go apoplectic over the (what I’m guessing will be) anti-climactic Tebowner pro-life/anti-abortion commercial. Let’s face it, his mother DID have that abortion – just that it’s ambulatory and plays football. ;)

Wisconsin Rob: I would like to see a good, old fashioned shoot out. The first time we’ve had 2 good O’s, with mediocre D’s. First team to 50 wins. Prediction: 42-38, Indy.

White Speed Receiver: 1) My prediction? Pain. Oh, and a Colts win and the over. 2) What I’d like to see is a scoreboard start smoking. I think there’s a very good chance that we won’t see anything that resembles a defense, and that could lead to one of the more entertaining Super Bowls. If Freeney isn’t 100%, and if Manning can avoid Darren Sharper, the kickers better be stretched and limber.

Logic: 1) I think it’s going to be 37-28 Colts, sorry Gally. That’s basically the Kiss of Death for them. The Saints will probably win now. The safest bets would be Saints plus the points and the over. 2) One thing in this game that I would like to see happen would be seeing my hero, Jeremy Shockey, win an MVP award. He should have never been let go for Clint Sintim and Rhett Bomar. A healthy Shockey is among the best tight ends in the league. (insert tight end joke)

K Gun: 1) 28-24 Saints- the Freeney injury will be a big deal for the pass rush, and NO will get a late turnover to seal it. Cue Manning Face. 2) I would love for The Who to have Muse come out and do a mashup of “Baba O’Reilly” and “The Resistance”. Either that, or I’d love to see the Manning face. I miss Payton being Marino, I do.

PJDiaries: 1) I predict the Colts will win, by about 4 points or so. That seems like a nice number. Fucking Manning-Face and Dwight fucking Howard will not be stopped, much to my chagrin. 2) I’d like for there to be modest levels of douchery this Super Bowl, although I know the exact opposite will happen. 37 hours of straight coverage, rehashing stupid storylines and matchups by analysts who have cottage cheese brains, Katrina references, tons of Manning forehead … For the first time in a long time I care almost nothing about the Super Bowl and am excited for it to end, as the 2009 season is starting to drag on. I wish both teams could lose and we’d be starting the 2010 season already. Of course, I say that as a bratty Vikings fan who’s panties are still all bunched up because of the loss.

The Starter Wife: 1) I predict there will be two quarters of play, halftime with The Who, and then two more quarters of play. Beyond that I really have no idea what is going to happen. See #2. 2) What I’d like to see is a good game. I know that sounds pathetically cliche, but since I’ve (somewhat) come to terms with the Steelers not repeating this season I want this game to be as entertaining as possible. I want both Peyton Manning and Drew Brees to throw for 800 yards. I want 12 interceptions. I want Austin Collie to take off all his clothes on the sidelines. I want to five goal line stops and at least one kick attempt to go DOINK off the goal post.

Oops Pow: 1) A well-coordinated 20-streaker attack. 2) Saints 38, Colts 31.

James Brown: 1) I think people don’t realize that this game will be an example of a shootout the likes of what was seen in Super Bowl III. I’m actually looking forward to the halftime show for once, thanks to The Who being in it. Otherwise, I would like to see the potential of Reggie Bush realized along with the potential of Pierre Garcon. 2) This game will not be the blowout people think it will be. If Dwight Freeney can’t make the game or stay in the game, Brees will fire at will. This will be a back and forth battle. If the Colts win, it’ll be by a Vinateri field goal. If the Saints win, it’ll be by the skin of their teeth. This is actually a pretty even game. I’ll go with the under and take the Saints.

Andrew Bucholtz: 1. I’d like to see a big interception from the Saints, particularly one that’s returned for a touchdown. To me, those are always some of the most exciting plays because of the dramatic swing they can cause in a game. There’s a good chance this will happen, as the Saints racked up so many interceptions this year. 2. I’m taking the Saints, 35-31. The Colts are a good team, but the Saints’ offence has tremendous balance between the run and the pass and they can make explosive plays. The Colts will put up a good fight, but New Orleans’ ground game and turnover-forcing defence might just be the difference.

Hugging Harold Reynolds: 1) Brett Favre crying Richard Gere’s “Ive got no where else to go” monologue from An Officer and a Gentleman. 2) 34-31 Saints

Jerod Morris: 1) I’d like to see Peyton Manning and Drew Brees both throw for 3+ touchdowns in a high scoring game with great QB play. 2) I think the Colts will win, but the Saints will keep it close enough to cover. 35-31 Indy.

Chris Hanson’s Axe:: 1) I wanna see Drew Brees punch out a Colts defender late in the second quarter and get ejected from the game. Actually it doesn’t even have to be a defender, maybe it’d be even better if he beat the shit out of some random special teamer, or Austin Collie. Or even Peyton. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I get this sense of uncontrollable rage just brewing and bubbling somewhere down deep in Brees, aching to come out. He always acts so calm, but he has this expression of such intensity all the time. With other positions, maybe you get the chance to lose some of that pent-up aggression, like Darnell Dockett or Shawne Merriman claim to, unleashing the fury of their harsh and unfair youth onto the poor suckers who happen to line up across from them. Brees, unfortunately, only gets to throw the ball. So I’m eagerly awaiting the moment he just freaks out and fucks someone’s day UP. 2) Of course, the Saints will already be up 34-10 at that point. Mark Brunell will step in as quarterback and end up getting one more score for them with 2:53 left in the game, which will be enough to put the game almost out of reach of Manning, who had been mounting the Super Bowl’s best comeback attempt ever up to that point. He’ll get the ball at the twenty after an excited Garrett Hartley kicks the ball out the back of the end zone; 2:53 left, score is 37-27. Manning will complete 2 long passes to Dallas Clark and another long one to Pierre Garcon on the drive and every sportswriter in America will get a collective erection, but the drive will stall after 4 straight incomplete passes from just out of field goal range, and Mark Brunell will go onto the field for the victory formation kneeldowns. MVP award goes to Darren Sharper, whose 2 first-quarter interceptions of Manning and the Joseph Addai fumble he caused will have set up Drew Brees’s early scores. A tearful Sharper announces he’s retiring as he holds the Pete Rozell trophy over his head and the confetti swirls about him, and at that point I’ll drunkenly switch the channel over to whichever cable channel has the movie that promises the most boobage. Hopefully they’ll be showing Tomb Raider again on AMC… mmmm, Angelina Jolie…. (drools)….

Adam-Avoiding The Drop: 1) Peyton Manning break his leg (you’d like to see that too I bet!). But seriously, I want to see a game that goes down to the wire like last year. I don’t have a dog in the fight and I’d appreciate a game that ended on the final play of the game and not on someone taking a knee. 2) 34-28 Saints.

Flubby: My prediction is pain. My non-Clubber Lang prediction is Colts 38-24. I would like to see a hard fought contest with lots of good sportsmanship. Just bullshittin’, what I really want: Peyton takes a ride on the ice cream truck.

Amber/Berstreet: I’d like to see the Colts beat the helmets off the Saints for the following reasons:
a) I’m tired of hearing about the Saints.
b) I’m tired of hearing about the Saints.
c) Manning was MVP – I think he needs to put the final nail in the coffin of proof. Yes, I just made up “coffin of proof”. Shut up.
d) I have Manning & Indy’s D for my Fantasy Playoff league and I’d really appreciate $275.
Oh and my prediction is that the Colts will beat the helmets off the Saints, because I’m willing it to happen.

Will Leitch: I’m saying Colts by 10, and I desperately want to see The Who try to destroy their guitars but fail. You know, because they’re old.

2 Yellows: I like the Colts to cover 26-17, and obviously the under. I also like reaction shots from Archie, Kimmy K. and a sullen Marvin Harrison rubbing his gun. Can’t wait for the Geriatric Two at halftime, and I’m really excited for Jim Nantz and Phil Simms to somehow get a mention of Brett Favre, Katrina and the Mannings in one exchange. Good times.

Gally: 1) What I’m looking for in this game is just that. A game. I just want it to be a good watchable game. I don’t want a blowout and even if the Colts lose, I don’t want it to be heartbreaking. I want a game where win or lose I can look back and think, wow, good game. Having said this it’s likely to be a sloppy mess that makes me want to retire from sports fandom. 2) I’m predicting a Colts win, 35-31. The Saints cover the spread, and I get to cheer on my team winning the Super Bowl by doing whatever it is that us fat humps do. I’m guessing it’ll involve pie. Mmmm, sweet, sweet pie

To those of you that took the time to humor me and answered, thanks for your input. I appreciate it immensely

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