A Russian hockey team with an amount of firepower that would make even SPECTRE’s most elite evil scientists blush goes out with a whimper against a Canadian team that was considered dead in the water just two days prior. Throw in some early playoff exits, and the face of the team, Alex Ovechkin, is starting to get a reputation for choking (I, for one, am stunned that those steel teeth can chew through a cable, but not pare food down to an acceptable size) in big moments. Sure, there were other stars on that Russian team- Evgeni Malkin, for one- but at the end of the day, it was AO’s team. So, without further ado, I’ve assembled a list of things to keep away from Ovechkin. Just in case.
McDonald’s Happy Meal Toys (unless approved for children under 3)
Legos (Mega Blocks may be ok)
Mr. Potato Head
Cucumbers
Carrots
Celery
Loaves of Bread
Croutons
Popsicles
Hot Dogs
Pop Bottles
Blow-Pops
Dum-Dums
Saf-T-Pops
Bottle Caps
Alexander Semin (/rimshot)
Pierre McGuire (Er, wait, that’d be the other way around)
Logic’s groin area (Just kidding. No risk there. BA-ZING BLOG BURN)
A Nuva Ring
A Stanley Cup ring
The Stanley Cup
Guys named Stanley
Guys named Cup
2 Girls 1 Cup
The Nextel Cup
The Davis Cup
The Grey Cup
A Solo Cup
A Coffee Cup
The Piston Cup
The 150cc Special Cup (And don’t get me started on Mirror Mode)
A copy of Deep Throat
A starring role in “Deep Throat ON ICE!”
Ice Cubes
Ice Cube’s CD library
Library Books
A copy of “Coming Through in the Clutch” by Patrick Ewing
The collector’s edition of the above with a foreword by Dan Marino
Ping-Pong Balls
Beer Pong games
Beirut games
Roulette games (could choke on the ball, the chips, his tie, anything!)
Pennies
Nickels
Quarters
A game of Quarters
Tiddlywinks
Checkers
Chess
Pixar Movies (because they get you all choked up! WHY’D YOU HAVE TO DIE ELLIE?!?)
Mice
Gerbils, specificially Lemmiwinks
Goldfish (the animal)
Gold Boullion
Gold Amulets
The Shrine of the Silver Monkey
Gak
Play-doh
Clay Pidgeons
and finally, Hockey pucks, emblazoned with a logo of any sort of postseason.
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