- If only I could photoshop...
Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at HatedHero11@Gmail.com or @Hbomb47 and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. Whatever your little heart desires. I’m not picky, especially when I’m drunk. I’ve even fisted your sister. That’s right. Sister Fister, they call me.
(e-mail in italics, Logic in bold and italics)
Dear Sultan of Sass,
LOL! Did you like the nickname I gave you? It’s like what they do to Drew at Deadspin. Except you’re not that talented or fat. Supposedly. I still think you’re a photoshop wizard because you think like a fat hooker molester. That’s right. You molest hookers. Hookers won’t even consensually give you sex for money. So, Merlin, I thought this article would be right up your alley; especially because I am totally offended by it. I don’t think these “people” should be allowed in high school sports, let alone drink out of the same water bottles and wrestle on the same mats! I mean, you can catch ringworm from a mat, why couldn’t you catch gangrene or whatever it is that cut this thing’s limbs off? Wait a second, I just saw that picture. Does he have elbow hands? Or is that a midget? I can’t even tell. It just looks like he has that lazy look you see in hospitals in those “special” wards. They aren’t physically lazy. Their brains are just a tad lazy. They get that whole Eli Manning look going. Did he think he was going to be doing wrestling stuff like John Cena? Poor kid. From what I gather, he is just physically handicapped. Maybe he used to be a surfer? I don’t know, man. I’ve seen Shark Week.
Now, I know I’m supposed to come correct with a question, so here it is: “Who is more fucked up? The kid trying to infect everyone with his disease, the writer for comparing his retard walk to a “wild west sheriff’s saunter” or the coach for putting him against a normal? Thanks for all your time, Logic. You may now go back to convincing teens the bubbling in their drink is carbonation, not roofies.
Sincerely,
LobsterClaus
Dear LobsterClaus,
First of all, is that your name because of those “elbow hands”? If so, kudos. Secondly, I think you are a terrible person. Not for sending me the article but because you think”a normal” can “catch retard” from just anywhere. Help me! I can’t stop air quoting! But anyway, you only catch retard if you ingest someones spit. It’s like mono. So just don’t be kissin’ no retards, ya heard?
As for the high school wrestling phenom (read as: overachiever), his name is AJ Leitch. You’re obviously a Deadspin reader. This must be the offspring of Daulerio’s sperm mixed with Leitch’s sister. Or something. Not sure. I’m saying it’s that way because we all know Daulerio doesn’t have the strongest swimmers. Mostly from the coke. That’s okay though, I’m not here to judge. I’m here to make a ruling. I’m here to make society better. I’m here TO KEEP SPORTS NORMAL!
I think the two most fucked up people (out of the 3) are the writer and the coach. If you noticed, the writer used a quote like this from Alex Lodge (Leitch’s opponent) “I look up to him”. An obvious joke! The dude is like 3 feet tall. Unless his legs are normal height and then it would be really weird that he has those penguin arms. What’s the point of wrestling? Why not run track? Another great quote from this Mason Kelly character, “Leitch calls it his situation”. Ok, I get it. It’s a Jersey Shore reference, it’s nice and cute that he makes jokes of having thrombocytopenia-absent radius but is that really something that makes it through to last cut? Kelly goes on to explain how Leitch first utilized his head on the floor with angling and “walking in a step ladder like way” to eventually stand and teach himself to walk. What does he say a few paragraphs later? He quotes Leitch saying “[being handicapped is] like being an inventor, you always need to use your head”. TASTELESS, I SAY! TASTELESS!
Secondly, it the coach. He’s gaining an unfair advantage. This kid loses A LOT of weight by not having normal limbs. So he wrestles at 103 lbs and those kids aren’t strong! Shit, women that weigh 104 lbs are sexy but they can’t pin me, unless I let them. RAWR! So this coach has one guarantee, that this kid won’t get pinned and as a team, doesn’t go down by more points (5 for a pin, I think). I’d RATHER have this kid than a real shitty, weak kid at 103 lbs who gets pinned and loses 5 points every match. Plus, his record is 1-21 so that 1 time you were expecting a loss, you got a win!
I did read something else disturbing during the article. It said that Leitch picked up his first (only) win against a woman. So now he hits women?!? What kind of monster is this kid?! He thinks it’s amazing. It just makes me wonder what kind of drugs the parents are on (going back to Daulerio) that they let this kid grow up to be physically handicapped and think its okay to hit women in the face.
And then, at the end of the article, the author tells you that Leitch bumped up to 112 lbs and LOST! To a man. So, he’s no Anderson Silva, he can’t switch weight classes. I wouldn’t go putting this kid in the wrestling Hall of Fame next to Stu Hart, just yet.
So that’s your answer on that. I’m going to take this a bit further and say this, TRACK IS NOT A SPORT. First of all, it’s an object. It’s something you run on. So can we change the name to the “Running Team” or the “Running Meet”? Secondly, can we just quit the track shit all together? Seriously. I (love to remind you that I) played college lacrosse. When I got in trouble for: alcohol, drug testing, not going to class, confrontations with teachers, breaking and entering, fighting or alcohol, I would have to run. That’s the point of track, that is all you do. How stupid is that? What do you do when you get in trouble during track? Play flag football? It’s backwards, that’s what it is.
Well, LobsterClaus, I hope I answered your question. I think all in all the writer should take the most responsibility for being shitty because he celebrated this mediocre girl hitter and tried to jazz it up with Jersey Shore references and height jokes. I think. I don’t know. I blacked out.
Unfaithfully Yours,
Logic.
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