Holy hell batman. Just when I thought I couldn’t get any cooler, this 3 year old comes along and punks me and all of you. Mostly the all of you part. According to the verbiage on the other site, Boom Clips,
Wesley Muresan is just 3 years old and he can already do tricks on his snowboard! He was recently featured on NBC`s `The Today Show`.
When I was three I was running waddling around trying to not crap myself and failing most of the time. That, eating boogers and you know, getting easily distracted. Hey look, sparkles.
Chris Johnson, aka CJ2K among other nicknames, had a season last year that made me slap your mama. Tell her I said hello, by the way. She keeps that body tight for her age. Johnson broke the record for yards from scrimmage that was held previously by Marshall Faulk. He is also now the only player in NFL history to both rush for 2,000 yards and have over 500 yards receiving. My man had a solid year. He has been having a solid offseason as well from the looks of Chris’ twitter account, using phrases such as “wrist game” which white people don’t understand.
His success on the field this past year has got him feeling his oats a little, coming out shortly after the end of the season saying he wanted a new contract. Ok, I can see that. He earned it. However, the gentleman’s way to go about requesting a new contract is having your agent ask the team since they are the ones who actually pay you. Another way to expedite a new contract is becoming close to Deion Sanders so you can get him to say, “Pay da man” repeatedly on NFL Network after your highlights. Having said that, his is the most unprofessional manner of broadcasting I have ever seen besides crazy local news reporters on Youtube. That’s not all Chris wants though.
Realizing the Titans are reluctant to renegotiate his contract he has begun demanding random things just hoping to hit a bingo. He wants to be on the next Madden cover. The only problem is EA already had a contest to choose the three finalists for the cover that ended on March 15. He really didn’t have to demand that to make it happen. He could have simply leveraged his twitter following to gain more votes and been in the final three easily. He would have still lost to out Magic Breesus (Drew Brees), though, because that’s who I’m predicting will get the cover. Chris also demanded that everyone draft him first in their fantasy leagues this year. DON’T YOU EVER TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY FANTASY TEAM! That’s like telling a parent how to raise their children. With Johnson’s recent demands he has begun to tread on the good will he has built up with NFL fans through sheer ability shown on his highlight reels.
Some other demands less widely reported are:
-A closet full of skinny jeans
-A jewish holiday named after him
-All of the H1N1 vaccines meant for senior citizens in Pennsylvania so he can make an omelet
-For Ted Williams’ head to be unthawed and reanimated so he can beat him in a race
-A tattoo per diem
-For Eric Dickerson to “kiss da rings”
-For Mike Florio to suck a fart out of Jason Whitlock’s butt
-A fleet of cars as ugly as this one
If my intrepid reporting has missed any of Chris Johnson’s demands please feel free to add them in the comment section. And if you want you can follow me on twitter @nonpopulist.
Since we haven’t been live blogging as much lately, I wanted to come up with a way for everyone to be able to interact with the site. PJDiaries told us two weeks ago that the best way to make an entertaining post, was Interactive MEME day. So today in honor of Hot Tub Time Machine, which kicks ass by the way, it’s Date Rape Van Time Machine. Create some lines for the upcoming Date Rape Van Time Machine movie, and share them with us. If you’re feeling less lethargic or apathetic, go here to make pictures like above and share the links with us.
I’ll get us started.
Is that… a disco ball?
Sweet fucking unicorn on that paint job man.
Wait… does the unicorn have an erection?
No. Your drink is supposed to bubble like that.
When you were shopping for shag carpet, did they only have it in gay?
I hope this grabs your attention for a couple moments. So participate and have fun with it, or tell me how retarded I am.
Obviously Panda’s are cute as all hell, I don’t need to tell you guys that. They’re relatively awesome too. Maybe not as awesome as Josh ranked them, but awesome none the less. As a responsible yet pantsless blogger, I feel it is my responsibility to warn you not to fuck with them though. Those things are dangerous, on drugs and apparently know kung fu. How else do you explain the psychotic drug fueled rage, or sick ninja skills the panda displays in getting revenge on the tree that caused it to hit the ground. Holy hell, talk about a run-on sentence but unless you’re going to unleash a panda army on me I think I’m safe in doing it again.
Okay, it’s time. It’s been about 6 weeks since the World Series and now time for baseball to start up. I’m actually excited. Not as excited as I would be for an MMA event or not even close to the excitement I get for the start of football season. /gets boner thinking about it.
Since there are so many GD teams, I’m going to keep it brief. I’m going to list the teams how I think they will finish with a little one liner about each team. It’ll most likely tell you who to grab in Fantasy Baseball and what famous people did they have sex with. Hey listen, Captain Buzzkill, you can do your preview however you want. Oh? You have a degree in journalism with a concentration on sports reporting? Well that’s nice. I have a degree in “Being Awesome”. +1, Logic. I’ll probably go a little more in depth for the AL East because as a Yankees fan, that’s the division that I know the most. I won’t try to pretend that I’m an expert on the NL Central or something other than that. This is why, I’m going to encourage everyone to give me their winners/losers/”Logic is a retard” in the comments section and we can discuss it like gentleman (and/or ladies). After the jump!
Last Call is kind of like Blogkakke, only on PCP, LSD and ludes. Fuckin ludes man. Instead of just being a random link dump, it’s a place to congregate with fellow like minded sports fans, alcoholics and amateur comedians. So come on in, kick your shoes off and crack a beer; then regale us with a witty joke, bitch about that local sports team or ask gally the best way to get kicked out of a bar. Apparently he’s so good at it the manager will make up a nonsensical reason on the spot to do it. If you have something you’d like to see here, our contact info is over on the right and there’s always the tip line, tips @ thegallyblog.com
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Today we introduced Nonpopulist to you folks. Welcome him tonight as he’s going to be playing an inmportant role with the Gally Blog organization in the coming months. As always, if you notice a puddle around the ficus it’s not whiskey. It may look like it, but long story short, it’s gimps fault.
Musical Interlude:
Yeah, I’ve posted that song before. So what? A) It’s hot and B) it’s my site. Start your own site and post your own videos if you don’t like it.
Linkage:
Daddys Sugar Ball: Max Power and the boys present us with another wonderful edition of LOLMarchMadness. Congrats to them for getting linked by With Leather today. They do good stuff there. Biz Journals: Ooh, hockey news. The Phoenix Coyotes could be on the move yet again. The rumors of them moving back to Winnepeg are picking up steam, and might have moved past the point of rumor. (more…)
Once my Burger King endorsement comes through I'll never miss second breakfast again.
This is my first post for The Gally Blog. I normally post at The Nonpopulist, but you will feel my presence around here from time to time now, much in the same way your little league coach cupped your butt that time and held for a three count. /skeezy I have never used WordPress before (like you care) so this may be a little rough at first (insert your own joke here), but thankfully I checked out an instructional post on the internet called “How to Write an Entertaining Post for The Gally Blog” and learned nothing.
Now to the goods…
There has been much hullabaloo concerning the recent decision by NFL owners to change the overtime rules for playoff games. Teams have to win by six points or TKO from now on. Great. Way to look busy, billionaires. What about this whole Collective Bargaining Agreement and uncapped year business? Do you think you could get around to that sometime soon, guys? Getting a new CBA in place will actually benefit you, the owner, because soon you will draft more players to which you will be forced to commit exorbitant truckloads of cash in the first round without a guarantee of results unless there is some sort of agreed upon structure for rookie pay levels. There is no way you can avoid overpaying another draft bust until the new CBA gets done.
Do any of you really want another JaMarcus Russell on your hands? A guy that treats ‘Ja’ like ‘Mc’ and makes you capitalize two letters in his first name? The nerve of this guy! Adam Schefter recently reported and Profootballtalk.com re-reported that Russell recently weighed in at 290 pounds at the Raiders’ facility. When reached for comment, Al Davis arose from the crypt and said, “My radical offseason plan of converting JaMarcus to a pulling guard is nearly complete. Mwahahahahaha!” I heard Russell’s “Commitment to Excellence Offseason Nutrition Plan” included a hobbit-like meal schedule. But seriously, not since Jared Lorenzen has this level of obesity been tolerated in a quarterback, and we were all just humoring him. The current economy can not take another breaking of a bank on a player like JaMarcus Russell. Fix rookie pay. Yes we can.
Rejected first draft intro to this post: Webster’s dictionary defines The Gally Blog as a website who foolishly decided to let me post for them. We’ve been okie doked, people. Houdinified, if you will. What happened to instituting a rookie pay wage? No one even asked for this change to the NFL playoff overtime rule.
I don’t know what kind of karma cat the Steelers stepped on but everything is just crumbling around them and it’s awesome. Now, I should probably take a shot at K-Gun here to keep the witty banter up between the writers on the site, but like Bill Simmons said, when you pick a fight on the internet…you gotta fight up. I would not be fighting up. Get it? He’s a nothing!
Moving on, Santanio Holmes is a classy gentleman. Apparently he was at a night club where he needed a seat and he asked politely if some lady would move from her seat so he could rest his tired feet. Don’t football players know to just not go out? Because none of what I said was true. Santanio Holmes took his beer bottle (most likely Colt 45 because I’m told that’s what the blacks drink) and smashed it in some woman’s face until she was bleeding from her eye when she wouldn’t give up her seat. I personally, find this hysterical because I’m 95% sure he really respects Rosa Parks.
Santanio Holmes reminds me of this black gentleman that is a hat collector and she was late on her hat payments. (Note: I just wanted to post a video of comedy power houses Opie, Anthony, Jimmy Norton and Jim Jefferies all punching their tickets to hell by laughing at a 101 year old woman getting mugged and repeatedly punched in the face.)
Unless you’ve been living under a rock recently (Hey, Patrick. How ya doin’ buddy?), you may have noticed that the Final Four is upon us. The telltale signs are there: brackets in the office, irrational hatred of Duke, a smoldering crater where Gus Johnson used to be, all of it. What is it that makes March Madness such an event- and where do other sports fail to capitalize on these traits? Let’s pretend you care.
(You knew I was going to go back to list-writing eventually. The only way I do well with transitioning is to use absurd analogies tying everything together. For all our sakes, I spare you. And yes, Logic, that had the word ‘anal’ in it.)
What’s going on everyone? It’s a really boring Wednesday and as you know, I write my posts the night before I post them due to my shitty work schedule. So I figured I’d give everyone something new to look at without struggling to find something mildly entertaining in the sports world. And I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell you this but if you are a writer, I’d contact Gally for a possible gig. You didn’t get it from me though.
Links
I didn’t know hockey is still going on but here is an awesome 3 minute fight. Probably the only reason to watch hockey. (Withleather)
