I write this, not as a Yankee fan concerned about A-Rod’s mental health or well being. I really couldn’t care less. We showed last year that A-rod needs to bang hot chicks to do well (See: Hudson’s butt, Kate). The reason I’m writing this, is that I have no idea why the FBI is involved with baseball. I understand that taking steroids or HGH is illegal when not under doctor’s orders. I understand everything that goes into the smuggling of the drugs from Canada into the US because that’s the only reason that makes Canada great. You can basically go into a corner store and go “I’ll have 600 vicodin, please” and they give it to you in a Chinese food-like carton with a smile*. I just think that on the priority list of things the FBI should be doing, this would be at the bottom.
Performance Enhancing Drugs make the game better. There. I said it. There is no doubt about it. People like to see home runs. It’s a thrill to catch them in the outfield’s cheap seats. It’s the only reason to pay for cheap seats. I’ve seen fights erupt in the bleachers at Yankee Stadium over a Nick Swisher home run. Even Nick Swisher was like: “C’mon, bro”.
So this is my argument to legalize PED’s in baseball. It’s quick and to the point. The guy with the most money would obviously be the best of all time because he can buy the most drugs. This is a good thing because the player with the most money, is usually the best player. So the best players with more money can buy more drugs than less talented players with not as much money. This keeps the ratio in balance! Nothing changes, except statistics go up and the purists of baseball who care about the hall of records and how many home runs a player would hit on Tuesdays in April can shampoo my crotch.
So when Bonds and A-Rod were sure things to go down as the all time home run champs, they probably would have anyway. They are/were the most talented players in baseball of their time. So they took a bunch of drugs to make it a sure thing. If someone told you that you could take this drug that makes you look like a Greek God and make almost a half of a billion dollars in a life time, plus have job security and date super models…and all of this was 100% going to happen…you wouldn’t because Jack Handy’s family would be upset that you shatter his records? The only draw back is your balls shrink and your head gets big. WHO THE HELL CARES? I for one, am sterile and already have a huge head. Where can I sign up?
And as always I offer solutions to other people’s problems…even when unwanted. Here is a list of things I think the federal government should take care of before HGH, after the jump.
Blogkakke is our collection of the latest and greatest to hit the interwebs. If you have something for here or just want to ask questions about the worlds sexiest blogger, Amber Jones, our contact info is over there on the right. If you’re too lazy to move you’re eyes over to the side, you can send us tips at tips@ thegallyblog.com.
Musical Interlude:
If you haven’t seen this video yet, you will 8,347,962,615 times over the next week. Enjoy.
Linkage:
Kitties, Fuck Yeah!: Do you like kitties, LOLcats or animals wearing clothes? Well hop on the train to bliss, or stop taking drugs and head over to Kitties, Fuck Yeah! College Humor: All I can say is wow! A guy spends 2 months in quarantine for TB, and instead of going nutters, creates an awesome self made rap video. Tone Def!: Some people asked for it, so it’s here. The Gally Blog’s new music site, Tone Def! NFL.com: Rich Eisen, NFL analyst, runs the 40 at the Scouting Combine in Indy. Will he break 6 seconds this year? Will he beat the massive Terrence Cody? Click to find out. Sun Times: Roger Ebert cordially invites you to join the Ebert club. It cost’s $5 per year, $4.99 if you sign up before April 1, and has some interesting perks. Deadspin: Continuing with the Roger Ebert love, Will Leitch tells a story about the man in a piece he claims was too well written for Deadspin. Sports by Brooks: Elene Gedevanishvili puts the figure into skating. RAWR! Warming Glow: The credits to Community are re-imagined and set to the theme from friends. Free Darko: My best worst friend. Joey tells us the tale of when he played Horse against Jordan. A great article.
Have you ever been sitting there thinking, “man I really want to like figure skating. It’s just missing something”? Have you ever been thinking about this while sitting near a 80′s van?
Fuck Yeah!
Did that van cause you to think about dragons and swords and metal? Well, if so than you probably thought figure skating, in its improved state, would look a little something like this: continue for video
Well shit. We’ve just dropped into a sports deadzone here (unless you like hockey, but then you can just move to Canada, you asshole) where NBA basketball is still too early in the season to be excited for the playoffs, the Olympics are over, and the only good thing about the NFL is that I get to touch myself to 20 – 24 year old men running around in shorts. Hm? Our only saving grace is to get oddly intrigued about the possibility for baseball. Now, if you think I’m going to do some patsy fantasy baseball preview, or division breakdowns, or World Series predictions, then you’re damned crazy. I care about baseball only in that it’s a sport to excuse myself from the wifey with. Or, if you’re from Minnesota, entice her with, thanks to Joe Mauer.
I don’t have anything actually insightful to add to this whole thing; I just thought the commercial was a surprisingly funny one and wanted you to all share in laughter with me. Oh, wait, there is one other thing … Fuck you Playstation right in your rumble pack. Jerks. FIX YO’ NETWERK!!1!1!!! Oh. Hurray!
Last Call is kind of like Blogkakke, only on PCP, LSD and ludes. Fucking ludes man. Instead of just being a random link dump, it’s a place to congregate with fellow like minded sports fans, alcoholics and amateur comedians. So come on in, kick your shoes off and crack a beer; then regale us with a witty joke, bitch about that local sports team or ask Logic the best way to piss off a professional MMA fighter. If you have something you’d like to see here, our contact info is over on the right and there’s always the tip line, tips @ thegallyblog.com
So America lost the big gold medal showdown to Canada yesterday, which would totally matter to me if I actually gave a shit about hockey. Personally I only get fired up for hockey when a) there’s fights or b) a chick flashes her boobs up against the glass.
In other news go fuck yourself Canada! I mean, sure I have an axe to grind with your bacon, but having Nickelback play the closing ceremonies would be like the USA having Good Charlotte play the Super Bowl. Not cool at all, my moose riding neighbors to the North.
Musical Interlude
“I believe in a thing called love” by The Darkness
