The FBI Needs Priorities, MLB Needs Drugs

I write this, not as a Yankee fan concerned about A-Rod’s mental health or well being. I really couldn’t care less. We showed last year that A-rod needs to bang hot chicks to do well (See: Hudson’s butt, Kate). The reason I’m writing this, is that I have no idea why the FBI is involved with baseball. I understand that taking steroids or HGH is illegal when not under doctor’s orders. I understand everything that goes into the smuggling of the drugs from Canada into the US because that’s the only reason that makes Canada great. You can basically go into a corner store and go “I’ll have 600 vicodin, please” and they give it to you in a Chinese food-like carton with a smile*. I just think that on the priority list of things the FBI should be doing, this would be at the bottom.

Performance Enhancing Drugs make the game better. There. I said it. There is no doubt about it. People like to see home runs. It’s a thrill to catch them in the outfield’s cheap seats. It’s the only reason to pay for cheap seats. I’ve seen fights erupt in the bleachers at Yankee Stadium over a Nick Swisher home run. Even Nick Swisher was like: “C’mon, bro”.

So this is my argument to legalize PED’s in baseball. It’s quick and to the point. The guy with the most money would obviously be the best of all time because he can buy the most drugs. This is a good thing because the player with the most money, is usually the best player. So the best players with more money can buy more drugs than less talented players with not as much money. This keeps the ratio in balance! Nothing changes, except statistics go up and the purists of baseball who care about the hall of records and how many home runs a player would hit on Tuesdays in April can shampoo my crotch.

So when Bonds and A-Rod were sure things to go down as the all time home run champs, they probably would have anyway. They are/were the most talented players in baseball of their time. So they took a bunch of drugs to make it a sure thing. If someone told you that you could take this drug that makes you look like a Greek God and make almost a half of a billion dollars in a life time, plus have job security and date super models…and all of this was 100% going to happen…you wouldn’t because Jack Handy’s family would be upset that you shatter his records? The only draw back is your balls shrink and your head gets big. WHO THE HELL CARES? I for one, am sterile and already have a huge head. Where can I sign up?

And as always I offer solutions to other people’s problems…even when unwanted. Here is a list of things I think the federal government should take care of before HGH, after the jump.

Finding Osama Bin Laden.
Getting Madoff’s money back to its rightful owners.
Creating a Jason Bourne.
Finding people who spank it to Hannah Montana**.
Protect Mischa Barton from…well..herself.
Getting the McRib back.
Tossing every illegal immigrant out of the country so we can get universal health care and a vicodin store like Canada.
Clean out the bodies from David Stern’s closet.
Put the cast of Jersey Shore in witness relocation.
Start accepting my job applications.
Deport Nickelback
Find out why my Boston Terrior hates Razor Scooters so much.
Milk
Eggs
Coffee