Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday May 21st 2011

In Defense of (Not Especially Healthy) Food

In case you weren’t aware, by day, I am a mild mannered Food Scientist. That is, until Ralph Wilson dies and leaves me the ownership of the Buffalo Bills in his will. IT COULD HAPPEN DON’T KILL MY DREAMS. Anyway, my profession, and the industry of food itself, tends to take a lot of flack from people. Namely, complete idiots. These are the people that believe Jack LaLaine when he tells you that “you need a degree in literature just to understand this stuff!” (No, Jack, just a rudimentary understanding of chemistry. Of course, I could probably put Dihydrogen Oxide on a label and scare you). Generally, I spare most people my rants- my apologies to the random girl at the Phyrst last year that I yelled at for thinking that organic foods were far superior, don’t mess with a drunk food scientist- but every now and then, someone is so dumb, I feel the need to mock them anonymously via the internet. This is one of those times.

There are many horrible jobs in this life. Emergency room janitor. Sow inseminator. Earwax collector. Sarah Palin’s grammar checker. Glenn Beck’s fluffer. Republican. New Jersey.

So, is being a Republican a bad job, or one in New Jersey? Either way, I enjoy a good mocking of Beck or Palin as much as the next gent, but balance your humor. I mean, I’d hate to be Nancy Pelosi’s [DISGUSTING MENTAL IMAGE REDACTED] or Obama’s designated 1-on-1 opponent. For basketball, you perverts.

But when I sit back, sip my scotch and scan the newswires for sundry effluvia indicative of our culture’s joyful hellbound deathspin,

How to Tell Someone Is Trying to Sound Smarter Than They Are #238- Use of absurdly complex ways to say “I read the newspaper”.

the realization soon dawns that I can think of few gigs more nightmare-inducingly, soul-deadeningly horrible than being an executive for garbage food megacorp.

Off the top of my head, my list:

Baby Seal Clubber

Porn Show Janitor

Anything that pays less than executive-levels

Gravedigger

Grave Robber

John Dudley’s Editor

Being John Dudley

Enema Apparatus Tester

That is to say, a VP for McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Burger King or their ilk, someone who sits around all day trying to discover new ways to manipulate, coerce, poison, and otherwise flagrantly kill millions of humans worldwide by convincing them to eat mass-produced, industrial feedlot, chemical-blasted garbage you should not feed to your dog unless you totally hate him and want him to get heart disease and die.

Remember kids- the best way to make your point, other than putting it on a poorly spelled sign and protesting, is to make a long run-on sentence where you set up your own joke especially if you totally think it makes your point better, like a real zinger with a dead dog at the end. See?

But to get to the point here- a VP does not sit around all day and try to poison or kill their customers. Neutered though they may be, we have an FDA and USDA that prevent that stuff. And while I would never say that McDonald’s food is necessarily good for you, it won’t kill you to have it now and then. In fact, someday I aspire to write my diet book, “I Don’t Give A Flying Vigoda What You Eat, Get Off Your Ass And Run Three Miles” based on that. But no, let’s listen to the raving lunatic that would prefer to nibble on organic asparagus.

Hell, even the oil titans right now raping Canada can claim to be supplying a commodity that runs the engines of the world.

Seriously, can we retire the verb rape for things that aren’t…you know, rape? It’s just used for shock value, which is just lazy writing. Oh, and by the way, this article is about the Double Down at KFC. We might get there eventually.

Even Wall Street ogres can claim to be partaking of a time-honored tradition of gutting the U.S. Treasury at the expense of the ignorant masses. But head of marketing for, say, Kentucky Fried Chicken? Oh, you poor soul. Hell hath a special room for you.

That fact is unrelated to the food, because marketing is completely evil.

Also, is anyone getting the hint that this guy just hates everything ever? He’d find a good reason to hate puppies and kids with cancer.

Who are you, really, Mr. KFC executive? Who are you who just gave your approval to a rather shocking new KFC food item, who said “Oh holy hell, yes! Look at these great test-marketing numbers! F– it, let’s go against every shred of human decency, common sense, and even the First Lady’s humble plea to get us to please quit making the country so stupidly obese and sick, and sell a truly disgusting creation.”

I don’t think the First Lady specifically asked KFC not to make a sandwich. And how is this against human decency? We eat deep-fried Twinkies, but THIS is what you get pissed about?

Do you know what I’m talking about yet? Have you seen it? Apparently, for many months, people who run the snarky junk food blogs on the Interwebs heard rumors that KFC was testing this item, and thought it might be a joke, a viral gimmick. Or if not that, then something that certainly would never make it to market, given how it looks like some sort of frat-boy prank, like the drones at KFC’s test kitchens got completely hammered one night and had a bet as to who could come up with the most repulsive menu item imaginable.

For reference:

The Double Down: 540 cal (Original) 460 cal (Grilled)

BK’s Steakhouse XT: 1,000 cal

Big Mac: 540 cal

2 slices of Papa John’s Pepperoni Pizza: 460 cal

Regular size Butterfinger Blizzard: 770 cal


Uh…I think we’ve got bigger problems here.

Behold, the KFC Double Down sandwich. It is, if you really want to know, two slabs of fried chicken intersliced with two pieces of bacon, two slabs of cheese, and the Colonel’s “special sauce.” It comes in the form of a sandwich, with the fried chicken where the bread used to be. It’s sort of hilarious. It’s sort of perfect. And then it’ll probably make you vomit.

This is totally different than if you got a 2 piece meal with Mac and Cheese. Because of the sauce. VOMIT ERREYWHERE.

I don’t claim to be the comedy expert around here (mostly because Andy Sutton will call me out on it), but jokes and outrage about this sandwich got old in about 2 days. If that. It’s two pieces of chicken, cheese and bacon. I ate worse than that yesterday (I ate a whole pizza. Sue me).

Did you notice? How in one pseudo-food item, you are consuming not one, not two, but the mutated, chemically injected flesh/byproducts of fully three different distended, liquefied, industrially tortured creatures? Feel the love, pitiable animal kingdom.

And here we are. This isn’t a problem with the sandwich (or whatever you want to call it)- it’s a problem with the fact that ZOMG WE AREN’T FARMING LIKE IN THE QUAKER DAYS. People, the reality is this- there’s a whole lot of people, and most of them enjoy food and would like it to not cost a ton. To amp up production, farmers select their feed carefully- and yes, that can include antibiotics and sometimes hormones. It’s not like this is unique to meat processing, plants are genetically engineered in ways that are awesome/horrifying. For the sake of consistency visit-to-visit, the chicken breasts are quite tampered with. This does not make it a pseudo-food, it is just processed. If you want to totally eschew processing your food, have fun with botulism, and I’ll see you in hell. It’s not a perfect system, admittedly. Neither was electric wiring for the first hundred years, but people put up with the houses burning down for some reason.

You got your chicken-like creature, your pig-like creature, your dairy cow-like creature, all wrapped in a $5 fistful of nausea, ready to strangle your heart and benumb your brain.

Um, also, if you’ve ever eaten a Chicken Bacon and Swiss at Arby’s or any breakfast sandwich ever, you’ve eaten three different animals at once (I’m counting eggs).

I swear this guy got a word-of-the-day calendar and is just checking words off of it- there is no justified reason in humanity to use “benumb” in this article. I’m sure you’re brilliant, sir. Stop trying to convince us all.

God knows what’s in the “special sauce.” Maybe some sort of fish byproduct, just to round it all out.

Yes, there’s no regulations against this sort of thing, and there’s no way it would taste bad. Would you like that with extra asbestos?

It’s like a wild kingdom in your mouth! It’s like a toxic zoo in your colon! It’s like a suicide note from what’s left of your brain! “If you eat this, you are a complete and total idiot, and we’re through. Signed, You.”

It’s wild hyperbole! This is what you would mock Glenn Beck for doing!

Let us now add a shred of wary perspective. For well do I know this horrible crapbucket of chyme joins a very long list of fast-food nightmares you should never put anywhere near your mouth, unless you deeply hate yourself and don’t give a damn anymore, and you want to die fat and stupid and smelling like that rotting thing you found in your rain gutter.

These things will only make you fat if you don’t round out your diet with non-fast food. Will your colon’s flora be slightly off-balance? Possibly. But really, you don’t get bonus points when you die if you’re extra delicious for those worms. Let’s not act like one sandwich is going to kill you.

What’s more, some fast food companies are trying, at least a little, to respond to the call for slightly healthier foods, adding salads and fruit and grilled chicken breasts to their menus, even though every single one of those items is just as jammed with chemicals, preservatives, synthetic flavorings and high-fructose corn syrup as the rest, and all the “healthy” meat products are still raised on the most execrable, environmentally rapacious industrial feedlots imaginable. But hey, it’s something, right?

Other things that are jammed with chemicals:

Water (Seriously- read a label)

Salt

Sugar

Plants

Dirt

Your Mom

Further, some argue that it’s a bit disingenuous to blame the junk food purveyors for all the obesity, cancer, impotence, bad skin and colonic pain in the land. After all, the undereducated masses love to eat this garbage, right? KFC test-marketed this Double Down death bomb for months, to (presumably) great effect.

Ah, the undereducated masses. Those people who wouldn’t possibly be able to google calorie counts for other sandwiches or decern between chemicals. Wonder what they’re like?

Of course, it’s sort of a foregone conclusion, a rigged game. This vile meatwich is crammed like a grenade with sodium, sugar, fat and chemicals. Ergo, the testers, presumably people with taste buds devastated by years of cramming similar compost into their guts, thought it was pure nirvana. And then their colons exploded.

This is an indisputable fact. Happened to Helmut Spargle.

Had KFC actually tested it on people who eat real food every day, folk who haven’t touched fast food in years, whose systems are strong and fully recovered and in whose bodies blood flows unobstructed, had KFC dared any genuinely healthy human to take a bite, you can bet they would have heard, and smelled, a slightly different reaction.

By these standards, the most perfectly healthy human would be horribly intolerant of whole milk. “3.25% FAT!? ARE YOU A MADMAN?!?”

Maybe it’s all a silly, futile argument, a fool’s game to point up the obvious evil of such products. These items are legion. They just keep right on coming. What’s more, it’s just capitalism at work. It’s about giving the people what they want, right?

This isn’t capitalism- I’m fairly certain that in a socialist society, an unhealthy meal item could exist. If it’s just a marketing gimmick, you’re playing right into their hands, you complete idiot.

And if they don’t really want it — if, deep down, most humans sense this garbage is hugely unhealthy, that it’s a form of slow poison and there are far better and wiser options out there — well, you do what companies like KFC, Coca-Cola, Kraft, McDonald’s and all the rest have done since the dawn of the free market.

Other forms of slow poison that people choose to ingest include cigarettes, alchol and black tar heroin (um, not that I know). I don’t think anyone that eats at KFC is unaware that spinach is a wiser option. But spinach doesn’t taste like fried chicken.

You convince the less educated and the gullible that they are wrong, that this crap is actually a good value for your family,

10 piece bucket of chicken= $8.99

14-16 oz of organic free range chicken breast= $8.39

Hate to say it, but the value argument goes to the evil food industry.

nutritious and safe to feed to children, even as you manufacture all the flavors, smells and meat-like textures in a giant lab and sell truckloads of the crap to the poorer classes, until they get fat and sick and die.

Thing is, this is safe to eat. There’s a difference between “not healthy” and “not safe”. Your poorer classes might want to consider a more varied diet, or Getting Off Their Asses And Running A Mile ™.

Also, holy run-on sentence…again. Do you have an editor, or did they kill themselves with a sandwich?

Meanwhile, you employ cute cartoon characters and bright, funny mascots to lure in the next generation, to keep the cycle going.

I know I always based my food decisions as a child on the cartoon characters that were selling me the food, and not the toys inside…er, food inside.

Do I have that about right, Mr. KFC exec? Did I miss anything? Can you hear me down there, what with all the flames and the screaming?
You missed a) sanity, b) rationality, and c) a good point that had anything to do with the Double Down sandwich and not the food industry at large. Now get off your shoebox and go get your shinebox.

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5 Comments for “In Defense of (Not Especially Healthy) Food”

  • Bearcat says:

    (Slow Clap)

    This is beautiful. A wonderful take down of guy that really should not have a column. This is great stuff.

  • Nonpopulist says:

    (continues clap)
    I had one last week with a Sparks and lived to tell about it.
    “snarky junk food blogs on the Interwebs” – Where are these blogs at? I haven’t seen them, ha. I’d be snarky too, though. There are only so many posts you can do on Funyuns.

  • PJDiaries says:

    What a douche fart. My favorite part was this:

    “Had KFC actually tested it on people who eat real food every day, folk who haven’t touched fast food in years, whose systems are strong and fully recovered and in whose bodies blood flows unobstructed, had KFC dared any genuinely healthy human to take a bite, you can bet they would have heard, and smelled, a slightly different reaction.”

    … Why the fuck would KFC test their product on people they clearly know wouldn’t buy it? That would be dumber than this dick cheese writing the article.

    But the real question then, have you had one?

    • K-Gun says:

      Not yet- there’s not a KFC especially close to my apartment- and I honestly don’t eat there often (much like Arby’s, it’s kind of expensive for fast food). But I’ll get there eventually.

  • Bearcat says:

    /Eating a Double Down

    First impression… Very chemically, I can also taste the tears of this non-free range chicken that was force fed a diet of high-fructose corn syrup. The artificial flavorings clearly are designed to enhance the taste and are doing so by adding a peppery and salty flavor almost like real pepper and salt.

    This “toxic zoo” is like a circus of deliciousness in my mouth and is almost orgasmic in its politically incorrectness.

    I can actually feel the hate of PETA as I order a second one. I hope some of those nake PEAT women show up to protest my rotting meat sandwich. That would be awesome. PETA women are crazy, stupid and hot. I could totally bang one of them and then eat a porterhouse.


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