Here at TGB, we like to land interviews with celebrities. It makes us look a lot cooler. I’ve talked with some awesome people since I began writing here. Namely Kyle Turley and Mike Tunison, but I pretended to talk to a few other people. Mostly because I’m a sociopath with a lot of free time. Here is the latest installment:
Logic: So if you’re not a caveman or some kind of deranged hermit living under a rock, you have probably heard that..
Jared Allen’s Mullet: Yeah yeah. Bruh, can we get this shit on with?
Logic: Listen here you piece of shag carpet from a rape van, I will not take this shit from you. I’ll turn you into a Cherokee Hair Tampon.
JAM: Whoa whoa whoa. Do you know who the fuck I am? Don’t try to pull rank on me because you got 2 shitty YouTube videos. Yeah, I’ve seen your stand up…I would never go see a comedian that looks like he was from the Cobra Kai dojo. Punk bitch.
Logic: Okay, this is going no where. Let’s just get down to business. Like I got down on your mother last night. You never told me she was ALL black and curly.
JAM: You’re a sassy cunt. I like that. Not like that last guy from here who interviewed me. What a bitch.
Gally: Fuck off mullet.
Logic: Wait a minute. You just said cunt. How come Jared Allen hates when his wife is called a cunt but you can say cunt?
JAM: Did you just call me a hypocrite? I won’t tolerate this from a butt pirate. Yeah I saw your twitter default. Your gayer than AIDs.
Logic: Maybe crossed the line a little with that one don’t ya think? Do you consider yourself the most controversial hairpiece in America right now?
JAM: I would say so. I mean, I’m everywhere. I started out as a little crew cut. Finally grew into a bowl cut…then rat tails were in and a star was born. I got my first break when I played “Cousin It” in the Adam’s Family movie as a child actor before turning to drugs. My career is a lot like Danny Bonaduce’s. I went slumming in the south, got really into NASCAR and drank a lot. Then I hit rock bottom. I’ve never told anyone this before, but I made Phil Spector kill that bitch. I was using cocaine and steroids. I became an NFL haircut because I was practically the Incredible Hulk.
Logic: Wow! That’s pretty intense. So is this why Jared Allen has been bat shit crazy? Are you like the goo from Spiderman 3 that makes Tobey Maguire become a fancy dancer?
JAM: I actually was getting back on my feet around that time, I played his emo haircut. You wouldn’t even know it was me. I went through a hipster stage where I only listened to Japanese Jazz and drank Starbucks. I was trying to write a screen play but it didn’t work out. Turns out a story about cat merkins sounds a lot better in your head! Especially when your head is all hopped up on ludes.
Logic: You can say that again.
JAM: Watch it, wise ass. Do you see who I control now? I could have this big dumb animal crush your stupid yuppie face like a bug.
Logic: Is that what you did when the guy called Jared’s fiance a cunt?
JAM: I told you to shut the fuck up about that.
Jared Allen: Wait. What’s going on here?
JAM: Jared, there is something I need to get off my chest hair.
JAM: Jared..just listen. This is hard for me…
Jared Allen waits in silence. Lip quivering as if he knew already
JAM: I just need to tell you that… I called your fiance a cunt. I blamed it on that guy because I was scared. I’m just so happy right now. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to get a hair cut. I can’t handle going back to the bottom. We’re big time now! We got paid! We’ve been beating up on Aaron Rodgers and Jay Cutler and all the other chump bitches! But…that bitch! She’s trying to ruin everything between us. Dropping subtle hints around the house. A new buzzer. Mach 5 razors… I can’t handle it, Jared. Have you seen how many razor blades are on that GD thing? About 2 too many! I’m nervous, Jared. I don’t want to go back to Hollyweird. I don’t want to get hooked on Meth and spend the night looking for warmth between Lindsay Lohan’s legs…It’s cold and damp there, man. Not the good kind of damp either. It’s sticky and smells funny.
Jared: You know I can’t quit you.
JAM: Good because that cunt has got to go
Jared: Who said that? Who called my fiance a cunt?
JAM: That guy! Over there! In the Affliction shirt. Get him!
Logic: Jesus tapdancing Christ. I can’t handle all this gay hair fetish stuff. I need a beer..