Can you feel the NFL draft fever heating up? Oooohhhh, it burns when I pee! We here at The Gally Blog decided to pool our knowledge and do a mock draft for you, the reader. Sure, we could have started doing mock drafts right after Alabama won the national championship, but it is MUCH easier to wait until everyone else does a mock draft so we can cheat off of other people’s work compare notes. In case you missed it, Part 1 is here.
11. Broncos (From Bears)- Gally: Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech. This team is berefit of receivers and tight ends that are able to catch the ball. With the trades of Brandon Marshall and Tony Scheffler, old neckbeard has no receiving safety blankets. They were weak defending the run last year, but with the top two DT’s already taken I think they trade down so they can take TE Rob Gronkowski or WR Demaryius Thomas. Having said that and this being a mock draft, not mock season sim with trade capabilities on the PS3, they take the best player on the board. Georgia Tech DE Derrick Morgan.
Nonpopulist: Hey, my name’s Josh McDaniels, and I can win with anyone. I don’t need elite players. Do you know who I am? I coached under Bill freaking Belichick, Now marvel at my drafting cock.
12. Dolphins- K-Gun: Earl Thomas, FS, Texas: This one’s fairly simple. The Dolphins need a safety, and the ball-hawking Texas product fits the bill- and his stock is rising thanks to the success of Jarius Byrd last year. Only a complete idiot would take Taylor Mays here, which is why I hope they do. Stupid Fish.
13. 49ers- Logic: I see them grabbing the best talent on board at this time. CJ Spiller, RB from Clemson. I know they have Frank Gore, but beyond him there isn’t much in the running game. Plus, most systems are using a two-headed attack, unlike your mom who really just attacks my fleshy, tuna-can-shaped head.
K-Gun: Uh, dude- tuna can shaped? Chode city.
Nonpopulist: Yeh, Gore is getting older. He’s been getting injured more often. I like an RB pick here. I hope Spiller likes the shape of Coach Singletary’s butt.
Gally: well, what about Glen Coffee? No? Anyone? I think they have more pressing needs than RB here but it’s a good thing then that they pick again in 3 picks.
14. Seahawks (From Broncos)- K-Gun: Mike Iupati, OG, Idaho. They need help on the O-Line like Logic needs help coming up with flattering ways to describe his wang-dang-doodle. Iupati shores up the former, with the ability to play guard and even possibly bump out to tackle. Unfortunately, he won’t be able to help Logic. I’m sure a lot of people figure Pete Carroll will pick a USC guy by now, but I don’t buy it. I think he’s too crazy to be that predictable.
Gally: Say what you will about Carroll, but he was usually a good reader of talent. Sure having USC type talent and money makes things easier, but think about it. There’s no cap, and Paul Allen owns the team. $300 million payroll? $300 million payroll. I think they go defensive here, but I’m a crack addled clown.
15. Giants- Logic: Sean Weatherspoon, LB, Missouri, (Gmennnnn) would be the pick I would like the Giants to grab here. With McClain off the board he’s the best LB talent available in the middle. He has decent size, like K-Gun’s ego, but unlike K-Gun, his production is much better. Pierce is gone in the middle and Goff showed promise but this wouldn’t hurt the team. Skill positions are covered with the Giants but I wouldn’t be surprised if the Giants grab a pass rusher. Then, watch me black out and see nothing but fury. I’ll be a hurricane of horrible in the Meadowlands.
Nonpopulist: Weatherspoon is a solid pick. I’ve heard a few people say he can play inside or outside linebacker.
PJD: Weatherspoon is a dick. Also, I just hate everything from Missouri. I guess he probably couldn’t go to a more fitting team. Zing!
Logic: Well Peter King predicted you guys are getting Tebow. Good luck with your new pussy fullback. Can I get an Amen?! P.S. Purple is for gays and tellytubbies…and I don’t see TVs in your midsection!
K-Gun: Would Tebow accept Purple Jesus as his lord and savior? Why wasn’t that asked at the combine?
16. Titans- Nonpopulist: Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida. The Titans have two big holes that are going to be hard to fill at the defensive end spots. Much like your sister when I got done with her. Kearse is going to retire because everyone knows he can’t play anymore and Vanden Bosch left for the greener pastures of Detroit *record scratch*. The Titans have a history of coaching up the potential in each defensive lineman, and Pierre-Paul will be no exception. I guess it’s possible the team takes Kyle Wilson or another CB, but I’m betting DE.
Gally: They could shock everyone and go Golden Tate here. Vince Young needs someone to… **sunglasses** catch balls. YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Logic: …*his* balls
Nonpopulist: Golden Taint.
*After a lull in the emails between picks White Speed Receiver chimes in, “So is San Francisco going to pick, or are they too busy celebrating 4/20?” Shortly after that Gally chimes in with the next pick.
17. 49ers (From Panthers)- Gally: Joe Haden, Florida, CB. What they need is a QB here. There’s no QB to take here though. The secondary is getting old and Nate Clements hasn’t lived up to that giant contract he signed coming over from the Bills. He’s also over 30 now, so it’s probably best that they take Florida CB Joe Haden before Clements goes to the glue factory.
Nonpop: I like Kyle Wilson better than Haden.
18. Steelers- K-Gun: Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland- The Steelers line stinks, stank, stunk and has done so forevers. So, in an effort to shore up that that catastrophe, they bring in the Fistful of Boomstick. This is, of course, assuming they don’t ship out Ben for cents on a dollar and take Tebow (don’t have to worry about him with bar skanks, except possibly converting them to Christianity) or McCoy (…I got nothing). I’ve heard rumblings that they’re looking long and hard (heh heh) at Golden Tate here as well, and wouldn’t be shocked at all if they went in that direction. But I’d like to see the Steelers just run Mendenhall like crazy, and Campbell can help in that goal more.
Nonpop: It’s not going to matter how crappy the line is after the Steelers trade Big Ben. If Campbell gets a speeding ticket they’ll trade his ass too.
19. Falcons- Nonpopulist: Brandon Graham, DE, Michigan. I am in no way discouraged that the chances we are getting picks right are diminishing rapidly as we move further along. The Falcons need a defensive end, and this is the next best guy after Pierre-Paul. Graham had decent numbers at Michigan and appears to have all of the physical tools… of a man. I wonder how his motor is? /another tired metaphor
20. Texans- Gally: Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State. Though Steve Slaton shit the bed last year, I don’t think they’ll jump on a RB in the first round. They need to shore up their secondary so that Mario Williams can have a little more time to get to the passer. With that out of the way, I think they’ll go for the explosive CB who can play both sides and Safety.
21. Bengals- Gally: Golden Tate, WR, Notre Dame. What we learned from this team last year is that if you fall out of a moving truck, you’ll die you need to have some type of passing game to compliment a run game. We don’t know if Cedric Benson can accomplish what he did last year, so its even more paramount that they get a good receiver to compliment Ochocinco’s dancing possession receiving. Since our board has Golden Tate still being around, the former Golden Domer will be a Bengal.
PJD: And they say decency can’t be found on blogs! You are, however, correct. Don’t stand in the back of moving trucks, kids. Oh, Golden Tate? Sure, sounds fine.
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