Can you feel the NFL draft fever heating up? Oooohhhh, it burns when I pee! We here at The Gally Blog decided to pool our knowledge and do a mock draft for you, the reader. Sure, we could have started doing mock drafts right after Alabama won the national championship, but it is MUCH easier to wait until everyone else does a mock draft so we can cheat off of other people’s work compare notes.
1. Rams- Nonpopulist: Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma. With the offseason dumping of Marc Bulger after a few lackluster seasons the Rams need a quarterback. Bradford appears to be the best QB in the draft by default.
Nonpopulist: Apparently no one wanted to argue with me about this one.
2. Lions – PurpleJesusDiaries: Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska. After years of impressive drafting suckitude, the Lions nail it again this year by drafting the best player in the universe, Suh. With Schwartz’s coaching, a name that means “House of Spears”, and an improving team, the Lions all of a sudden have a weapon to scare the piss out of Aaron Rodgers and shut down the Purple Jesus.
K-Gun: It’s times like this that I miss Matt Millen. He’d totally take Dez Bryant here.
Nonpopulist: I concur with Suh as the 2nd pick. Schwartz knows what a 2-gapper like Suh can do for a defense since he worked with Albert Haynesworth in Tennessee and parlayed his defensive coordinator success with the Titans into his head coaching gig in Detroit.
Gally: Some people think that McCoy will be taken ahead of Suh because he’s faster and more of a speed finesse rusher, compared to Suh’s meastliness. I mean, that totally makes sense right? I totally see Oakland moving up to draft the DT that’s going to win the track meet. /mouthfart
3. Buccaneers- Nonpopulist: Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma. McCoy is a beast despite his low bench press numbers at the combine. Do you want a workout warrior or a gd football player, Tampa? The Bucs need a lot of help, but a good defensive line covers up some other weak areas. These top three picks seem like a no-brainer at this point.
4. Redskins- Logic: Russell Okung OT, Oklahoma St. I think the Redskins feel good about themselves addressing their skill position needs at QB and a back up RB, so I think they go OT here to get a solid player to protect their shitty QB and fragile RBs. I’m just glad my boy Clausen won’t be sent to this doomed franchise, and they still won’t be good with McNabb. A WR or some defense would help as well but too high of a pick for those. I wouldn’t be surprised if they trade down, but who can predict that? Those aren’t the rules to mock drafting! Stop yelling at me!
K-Gun: Are we sure Okung can legwhip to Shanahan’s specifications?
5. Chiefs- Gally: Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma. On one hand, the defense sucks. Like your dad down on the pier after one too many cosmo’s. They really should take Eric Berry here, but I like him and would rather kill him than let him languish in this hell hole. On the other hand, the O line is a mashup of shit and old fucks. They’ll take Oklahoma’s Tackle, Trent Williams here so that Matt Cassel isn’t running around like Dan Orlovskey out there and Jamaal Charles/Thomas Jones have some room to run out there.
PJDiaries – Trent Williams?? He’s like the 16th best prospect on the board at this point! Cassel’s sucks anyway, and most importantly he runs like a girl. Who cares if he gets busted up. The Chiefs not taking Eric Berry is bewildering, like small penises, and further goes to show why I hate everything in Missouri.
Nonpopulist: My dad prefers pina coladas but same diff. Taking a safety this high doesn’t happen a whole lot so I think you’re right about Berry.
6. Seahawks- PJD: Eric Berry, S, Tennessee. Welp, time to be honest here. I’m not quite sure why I’m picking for the Seahawks, but we’ll give this one the old college tug here (That’s what the kids say, right?). The Seahags need help on the O-line like NOLA needs effective levies, but with Eric Berry sitting right there (And new coach Pete Carroll loving college stars), he gets picked instead. Quick story. On one of the Rivals.com message boards two falls ago, a poster came on who had just gotten home from being out to find that Eric Berry was at his house with his girlfriend. At first he thought it was awesome until all the other posters convinced him he was railing the lady friend out. So Eric Berry fucked your girlfriend. Another reason to love the internet.
Nonpopulist: One of the stories of the draft will be how many USC players Carroll takes. I hope he takes all USC players. Best draft EVAR.
7. Browns- K-Gun: Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma St. If this all plays out like our draft has, I would assume the Browns would trade back with someone in need of an MLB, with McClain still on the board and Berry off of it. It’s a bit of a stretch to take Bryant here, but the talent is there, and they need receivers like whoa. My guess is that they would bounce down a few spots in this situation and grab a few extra picks, though.
Nonpopulist: I wonder if the Browns will try to trade up and get Bradford or maybe they have a high grade on another QB. They will probably have their pick of QB here at 7 with the exception of Bradford. I doubt they are really ready to go with only Delhomme this season. Holmgren and Mangini agree on that much, at least. It has been a building block of their relationship. The first time Delhomme comes off the field after throwing a pick and exclaims “AAAWWWWW, PEACHES!” Mangini may choke him out.
8. Raiders- Nonpopulist: Bryan Baluga, OT, Iowa. My first instinct on this pick was to look up the combine stats and pick the player with the fastest 40 yd. dash time (WR Jacoby Ford.) Al Davis mother-fucking loves the vertical game after all. My prediction: Davis slips into a coma before the draft and they pick someone that may actually help the team- Brian “the whale” Baluga , OT, Iowa. Yes, I just made up that nickname, and yes, I know it’s awesome.
K-Gun: Passing on Bruce “Fistful of Boomstick” Campbell? For shame.
9. Bills- K-Gun: Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame. I don’t like him any more than you do. But the kid has the tools to actually be a good quarterback at the next level. I actually saw his first collegiate start (@ PSU in ’07)- and even then it was pretty apparent that he had the potential to be great. Unfortunately, Charlie Weis is a terrible college coach (he likes the bubble screen like he likes his Cheez Whiz- in large quantities, regardless of it’s actual efficacy) so I don’t think he reached his true potential. And if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got more Kool-Aid to drink.
PJD: The only thing I hate more than Jimmy Clasuen is the fact that I kind of want Jimmy Clausen on the Vikings, which would easily make them the douchiest franchise in the past two years and going forward until Clausen dies from smugness.
Nonpopulist: Clausen wins the century on douchey haircuts. We are over our limit on the usage of derivatives of douche.
10. Jaguars- Nonpopulist: Rolando McClain, LB, Alabama. Despite the crohn’s disease I think he’s a slightly better linebacker than Sean Witherspoon. They may have to put a porti-potty on the field in Jacksonville, though. My father-in-law has crohn’s and it can be messy- or was it ulcerated colitis? I can’t keep track of that hypochondriac’s ramblings.
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