The NFL draft this year was great. I think the three-day format worked, and I heard the ESPN coverage of the first round got a 5.5 share on Thursday night. That’s television-speak for a lot of people watched it. Profootballtalk.com has a report that at least 45.4 million people watched at least a minute of draft coverage. I watched the NFL Network for the whole draft because I value my sanity, and I’m not sure if many people realize it yet, but a new NFL Network star was born on Saturday. Corey Chavous, of the hilariously named Draft Nasty and former NFL player, filled in when Mike Mayock lost his voice on the final day of the draft. Chavous did a good job, and he had knowledge of the picks made way down in the 7th round when it becomes noticeable how quiet the other analysts get from a lack of knowledge. That’s when you hear people at the desk begin to bloviate about teams’ overall drafts, but don’t get too specific because “it’s too early to tell.”
It is not, however, too early to begin laughing at the Broncos for drafting Tim Tebow. God must have come to Coach McDaniels (or should we go ahead and start calling him former head coach) the night before the draft in a vision and told the coach to draft Tebow. That is the only logical scenario I can come up with as to how Tebow got drafted before the third round. I’ve heard of reach picks, but that one was too high for Manute Bol to reach.
The draft always feels like the payoff, the oasis in the desert of the offseason, and my favorite part of the Madden video games is always offseason mode. I always take my time and savor the moments instead of skipping through to rush to the preseason- barf. One thing troubling about the draft this year is now that the draft is over, analysts and prognosticators are shy about giving draft grades. Peter King says he won’t do draft grades. What’s wrong Peter King? Brett Favre made fun of you for doing draft grades one time, and it hurt your feelings? Adam Schefter, grow a pair and grade the draft. Colin Cowherd won’t grade a team’s draft. He will only grade a teams entire offseason and the first and maybe second round pick in the draft. I thought you had some conviction, Colin.
What these other sports journalists and commentators lack, Mel Kiper Jr. has in spades, balls. He doesn’t cut and run from his scouting. He gives grades no matter how far his beloved Jimmy Clausen slid down the draft board. Kiper realizes the teams aren’t going to grade themselves and need someone from the outside keeping them accountable for when they screw up by not listening to him. Kiper giving grades has inspired me to also let my nuts hang out and hand out some grades, no analysis, though. Grades only! You don’t like it? Well, sir, these colors don’t run. Watch out because Vampire Kiper has my back as I see if my nuts hang to the floor.
Keep in mind this list is very subjective. That does not make it in any way less ballsy.
Arizona Cardinals: C+
Atlanta Falcons: B+
Baltimore Ravens: A-
Buffalo Bills: Participant
Crap, you’re still reading?
Carolina Panthers: C
Chicago Bears: C
Cincinnati Bengals: B-
Cleveland Browns: A-
Dallas Cowboys: Unsatisfactory
Denver Broncos: F as in drafting Tebow that high is effing hilarious
Detroit Lions: B+
Green Bay Packers: C for cheese-curdling excitement
Houston Texans: B+
Indianapolis Colts: Satisfactory
Jacksonville Jaguars: HA HA
Kansas City Chiefs: B+
Miami Dolphins: B-
Minnesota Vikings: Incomplete, too early to tell, wait, I mean C++
New England Patriots: C, yeh, I did it
New Orleans Saints: W for who are these people they drafted?
New York Giants: C-
New York Jets: A-
Oakland Raiders: For the Raiders, they get an A
Philadelphia Eagles: B
Pittsburgh Steelers: C-
San Diego Chargers: B-
San Fransisco 49ers: B+
Seattle Seahawks: B
St. Louis Rams: B-
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: B
Tennessee Titans: B
Washington Redskins: B-
I’m on record now, and my sack never felt more proud.
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My team is way better at picking guys than your team is at picking guys!
Whoo… Football!!!
/Chugs Beer
Hell yeh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!