Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Thursday September 29th 2011

Abortions For Some, Tiny American Flags For Others

Guess which one her mom and dad got.

It’s summertime, which can mean only one thing: everyone gets laid.  Yes, even you Gally.

But occasionally something goes wrong.  The condom breaks.  You don’t like the feel of wearing one of those things.  She’s Catholic, but still wants cock tonight.  The next thing you know, you’re saddled with the worst kind of STD known to man: a kid.  Or are you?  Today, I’m here to help you figure out the best way to avoid wasting up to 30 years of your life not getting laid, losing sleep, and bailing the little ingrate out before they can take care of themselves.

COMING SOON: PROTESTERS!

Option 1: Planned Parenthood

Pros:  Trained professionals will take care of your problem for you.  The gal will appreciate the gesture, and you might even get a HJ on the drive home.  And if you get a phone number from another woman there, you can be assured that she likes to fuck.

Cons: Your 360 just got the red rings of death, and you need to buy a new one?  Not this month.  Planned Parenthood isn’t cheap.  Also, you need to be careful dealing with those prostesters that will inevitably be outside.  They’re slightly annoyed at your lifestyle choice (and the fact that they’re not getting laid).

Hi Everybody!

Option 2: Back Alley Abortion

Pros: They may have some medical school experience, so that’s a plus.  And they’re cheaper than Planned Parenthood, so you can go get Red Dead Redemption for your new 360!

Cons: You don’t eat a half-cooked chicken, and you don’t get legal representation from someone who didn’t finish law school.  So why are you going to a med school dropout?  And, like getting a street walker, you never know when you’ve got a cop.

Hey honey, I think I dropped a dollar on the 2nd step. Could you bend over and pick it up?

Option 3: Stairwell

Pros: Quick, clean and efficient.  It’s the do-it-yourself at home kit of abortions.

Cons: You wouldn’t believe how many times the police have heard the “I was just trying to catch her as she fell” line.  She may damage your wall or rip down a handrail, and construction work isn’t always cheap.

NO WIRE HANGERS!

Option 5: Wire coat hanger

Pros: Um…they’re really cheap?  You can probably find one at the laundromat if you don’t have any at home.

Cons: Wire hangers are for beating children, not preventing them.  Also its, um…messy.  You don’t want your bathroom looking like you sacrificed a goat in there, do you?

It's ok. One bleachtini won't hurt the baby...

Option 6: Bleach

Pros: Very easy to disguise.  Just give her one bleachtini, explain that one drink won’t do any damage to her and the kid, and breathe easily.

Cons: If you’re the type of person who’s actually considering this, you probably don’t have bleach around.  Also, it can detected, and you can go to jail for it.

No picture can describe this one.

Option 7: The Ralphie (named after a former roommate who invented it).  Kick her in the stomach, and shoot her in the head.

Pros: Guaranteed to work.  No worries about her being emotional afterwards.  A clean break, really.

Cons: The 7-day waiting period.  In some less enlightened places (TEXAS), it might be considered double murder.

Please note that this entire post is satire.  I in no way endorse any of options 2 through 7.  Any my personal opinion on #1 is just that: my opinion, which will not be shared here.  Please guide any death threats, hate mail, and legitimate questions to whitespeedreceiver@gmail.com

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