Episode 1: The Pilot

Sidney Crosby: (groans) Whaa-

(walks to nearby beach)

Lane Kiffin: Have you seen my husband? I lost him in the-

Voice: Kiffy!

Pete Carroll: Where you been, doll? I’ve been running around this here place looking for potential players and a steady dose of Red Bull. I ain’t found shelter yet but YE-AHHHH I made me some waterskis and an parachute out of some stuff from the forest so I’m goin’ wakeboarding! Paddle that canoe around for me, wouldya? What about you, big stuff- wanna propel that boat so I can get my hourly dose of XTREME in?

Brian Cushing: Just one question, Coach…Where are we?

[Earlier that day]

Intercom: We are now boarding for people travelling with children and those who need assistance. Thank you for your patience.

[On Plane]

Flight Attendant: How is your, erm, drink, sir?

Crosby: It’s not a very strong drink…

(Flight Attendant slyly gives him two small bottles of chocolate syrup)

FA: Now you can make it as chocolatey as you want.

Crosby: You won’t tell?!

FA: (rolls eyes) It’ll be our little secret.

(Crosby looks around, drinks one of the bottles straight, laughs mischeviously)

(Plane shakes slightly)

Pam Ward: Don’t worry honey, my husband says that planes want to stay in the air. Turbulence is just because the planes hate being in the air.

Crosby: He sounds like a smart man.

(Massive turbulence)

[Current Time, On Beach]

Cushing: So, uh, did anyone find the bags? Cuz I got some stuff in there that I need. Like, badly.

Crosby: Well, I think that guy at least found the food cart.

Shaq: Man, I don’t know what y’all are talkin’ about. That sort of attitude just ain’t Shaq-tisfactory. You sound like them people at the institution. Like I always say, if you can’t be a Shaq-thlete, be a Shaq-thletic supporter like her.

Danica Patrick: Yes, I can see you definitely have what it takes. [Want to see what else Danica said?! Go to GoDaddy.com and click on the KILLYOURSELFKILLYOURSELFKILLYOURSELF]

(Everyone nods at the clarity of what Danica said)

Kiffy: Well, that certainly puts this in perspective.

Carroll: (runs over) Dammit, woman, that canoe ain’t propellin’ itself! Petey’s gotsta FLY!

Voice: Hey, can you guys help me, I’m trying to find the manuscript of my book?

Dan Marino: And can I tell you how much weight I’ve lost using Nutra-

(explodes)

(stunned silence)

Crosby: Guys, we should really try to find the plane.

Cushing: I agree. I’m starting to develop man ti- er, I’ve got some survival stuff in my bag.

Danica: I’ll come too. I’ve got more GoDaddy t-shirts, mugs, foam fingers, mittens and breakfast cereals in there.

[In the jungle. The mighty jungle. Ah-WEEEEEEEEEEEE Ah wee-um bum-ba way]

Crosby: …and that’s what it felt like to win the Stanley Cup.

Cushing: I hear ya- winning the Pac-10 and Rose Bowl was kinda like that.

Danica: Wait, guys, how do you win things?

Crosby: Well, it helps when you have the commisione-

Cushing: (interrupting) There’s the plane. Well…some of it.

(They climb in)

Cushing: Here’s my bag! Uh…I’m gonna duck into this bathroom for a second. Need a quick twosie.

Crosby: But, that won’t flush…

Cushing: I’m from USC. It doesn’t stink. (ducks in)

Danica: Hey, there’s someone up here! I think it’s the pilot.

Matt Millen: I guess there really isn’t anything I can’t run into the ground. Who knew? Well, at least I’m feeling ok. Hey, did either of you two think of playing wide recie-

(Millen grabbed by Smoke Monster and dragged out of the plane)

Crosby/Patrick: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Cushing: (emerges much more swollen) That’d make a pretty good anti-smoking ad.

[They return to the beach]

Shaq: So then, smoke grabbed him and dragged him out of the way? Man, that ain’t how smoke works.

Ward: No, I’m sure that it does.

Crosby: Clearly, there’s something unusual about this island, guys. I mean, that guy was in a wheelchair when we boarded.

(Everyone turns)