Many people in the sports media have been trying to get an interview with Dwayne Bowe after word leaked of his recent comments about the practice of “importing” road ‘tang while playing away games during the NFL season. The Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver made the comments to ESPN The Magazine (do I really have to put their magazine in italics?) and sent the professional sports world abuzz with claims that veteran teammates would troll social networking sites to scout …ahem… talent and arrange for them to travel to cities in which the team would be playing.
A hungry young reporter managed to catch up with the young Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver just days after his comments caused a stir and ensured ESPN would sell even fewer magazines than usual since the juiciest parts have already been leaked. You’re teasing your magazine wrong, ESPiN! He caught up with Bowe after Chiefs practice by hanging onto his vehicle as he was driving away. What can he say? He was hungry for the story. Here is his report.
I’m not sure why Dwayne Bowe stopped to talk to me given the recent firestorm he has created with his comments about flying in dames to sex on the lonely NFL road. I’m not sure why he waited to stop until he had driven the roughly 10 miles to his house with me clutching the rack on top of his SUV like the last bean can in a Hooverville either. At first he didn’t want to talk. He had been told by his PR advisers and the Chiefs’ coaching staff not to talk to anyone, especially reporters. Maybe he saw the hunger in my eyes. Maybe is was paper tent I keep I keep on my hat that says “PRESS.” Whatever the reason I’m grateful. Here’s the transcript of my interview with Dwayne Bowe:
Me: Dwayne, care to comment on your away game rendezvous with young ladies that have been “imported?”
Dwayne Bowe: Naw, man, you know I can’t talk about that.
Me: Ok, well what about your family? How have they reacted to your comments? According to Wikipedia you were raised by your grandparents.
DB: Well, they haven’t really said much. Grandpa just talks about his hemorrhoids mostly.
Me: Well, uh, I don’t really need to…
DB: And Granny, she just tells me not to get a girl pregnant. Anything but that. So I bet she would say I’m skating on thin ice, but just to wear a rubber. That’s my Granny, always talking about rubbers. We’ll be trying to eat a meal and she’ll ask Gramps if he remembered to pick up the rubbers at the drug store. She’s crazy. I love her, though.
Me: Right, well what about your coaches? What have they said?
DB: Well Coach Weis keeps talking about these sandwiches he started making in his office. I went in the other day to talk about our route tree audibles to clear up some confusion, and he tells me to sit down, take a load off, and prepare to feast. I’m like, coach, you know I have to be careful about what I put in my body. He puts a sandwich in front of me anyway and two in front of him. He’s been eating these sandwiches he heard about where you use Krispy Kreme donuts as bread. He makes hamburgers with them all day in his office. He’s usually finishing one up when he gets out to practice. Ask him about them. He loves to talk about his dessertwiches.
Me: But didn’t he have weight loss surgery?
DB: Oh, you mean the one they (uses air quotes) “botched?” Yeh, he lost the lawsuit on it too. What he didn’t tell everyone about that is he busted out the band they put on his belly a few days after his doctor cleared him to eat at a Chinese buffet. There’s this one run by illegal immigrants in KC near the Sprint corporate headquarters. Everyone knows they don’t have green cards, but the food is so good no one tells on them.
Me: That good, huh? I’ll have to check it out. How do you feel about the season? Do you think this controversy will be a distraction for you or your teammates?
DB: Naw, man. My lawyer and agent are working on a sincere-sounding apology right now. I’m just focused on the season to be honest with you. I’m intense about it too. I just got off of an HGH cycle so I feel strong too. Feel my muscles- no homo.
Me: Thanks for your time, Dwayne.
DB: No problem. You’re an alright dude. You’re easy to talk to. Now hurry up and leave so I can get some strippers up on these poles. I might have to get someone to make a run to that Chinese place too.