Jared Allen And His Mullet: A Trial Separation?

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: Jared and I in happier times.

Hey y’all, Mullet here. Just thought I’d check in, in light of the news. If you haven’t heard yet, Jared and I have split ways. In the name of “love”, he decided we should split. Why? Well that whore of his, has gotten in the way. They’re getting married, so as a measure of good will and I’m being told for the sake of the wedding pictures, he decided to split up with me.

In other words, my demise has been greatly exaggerated. I lived without that dick for many years, and I can do so again. I will take this time to make myself stronger and better than ever. No more side gigs as Hugh Hefner and Lindsay Lohan’s merkin. No longer will I take on the role of Phil Spector’s bizarre wannabe afro. Fuck that noise. I will survive on my own with or without the excessive use of ludes and horse tranquilizers. I would like to thank the guys at Tauntr for eulogizing me. Misguided as it was.

Now you may all be confused by this, considering that Jared said he’d only get rid of me when he dies. Maybe. I suppose I’ll give him a pass this time, as he did it for “love”. I kind of have to considering that I love him with all my heart. Jared and I are soulmates and nothing can change that. Nothing. We’re destined to be together forever and one day we shall be again. He’s even said that this wouldn’t be the last time that we’d be together, but that merely he did it for the wedding. Oh Jared, hurry up with your silly wedding so that we can be together again.

Love,

Mullet

P.S. thanks to all of y’all for your support, even though much of it has been misguided. I’m not dead, I’m resting. In fact I think I’m getting better. Mullet out.

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