The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com
NBA: What’s this? Leading off with Basketball? These are some troubling times I tells ya. Start your hyperbole engines folks. Have you heard about this Kobe Bryant guy? I hear he’s kind of okay or something. Well ESPN tagged his performance last night as “Burning the Suns”, “going off”, and “erupting”. That sounds like they’re describing some kind of weird extra-solar sci-fi porno. And not the kind of porno that you’d actually want to watch or anything. Maybe PJD, but he’s weird like that. Anyways, Kobe scored 40 points while Lamar Odom had 19 points and 19 boards in a 128-107 whuppin. Thanks Steve Nash, thanks for giving America another reason to laugh at us.
MLB: Hahahahhaha, Boston, hahahahahhahaa, sucks, hahahahaha. Boston carried a 2 run lead into the 9th against the Yankees and lost in spectacular fashion. Jonathan Papelbon, who I will not refer to as Papelboner because we already have enough porn references going, gave up a one run HR to ARod and followed it up with a walk off 2 run shot by Marcus Thames. The collapse was completed and the Yankees won 11-9. Justin Morneau, Canada’s favorite Baseball son, kicked his country in the nuts last night. His 2 HR’s lead the Twinks to a 8-3 win over the Jays. Yes Hanley Ramirez is hurt to an extent, but he still played like a douche last night and got benched for it. When a ball landed near him last night in the second inning, he managed to kick it 100 feet into the outfield and jogged after it which allowed 2 runners to score. Video Herec
NFL: Apparently it’s a douche history month in pro sports to rival some of the all time greats. Chris Johnson is holding out for a new contract after completing 2 years out of 5. Yeah he had a fantastic year last year and a solid rookie season, but come on man, at least be past 50% of your contract being done. Marshall Faulk, who was considered to be a pretty all around guy, must have finally received his membership into the douche club yesterday because he was flaunting that card yesterday. He said that Johnson was worth a bigger deal and said, “Without a doubt, if more money is what he wants, he has to hold out.” Where do I sign up for that plan, I want more money too? Andre Johnson of the Houston Texans also wants a new deal. He has 5 years left on a $60 million contract that he signed waaaaayyyyy back in 2007. You know what, fuck you buddy. Eat a big bag of dicks. And not those high end fresh ones, I’m talking the ones that are starting to fester.
NCAAF: Well looky here. Lane Kiffin is on top of the world. He’s made it to the Sweet 16 of Esquire’s sexiest woman alive contest, and has his dream job coaching at USC all without ever having proved himself to be high level coach. Now the news is out about what he’s getting paid and it’s astounding. The weasely little fuck is getting $4 million per season at one of the the Nation’s premiere schools. That’s in line with the top tier upper echelon of coaches like Urban Meyer and Nick Saban. Oh shut up and wine some more because I didn’t list any Big 10 or 12 coaches. Now the ACC, there’s another story.
Soccer: Thierry Henry who reportedly is coming to play for the New York Red Bulls of the MLS, is downplaying that talk. He said, “For the moment, nothing is certain, I am a Barcelona player and have another year left on my contract. Currently, my only worry is preparing for the World Cup with France. I will have time to reflect on my future later.” Ah yes, the nothing is certain line of defense. Sounds more like a Ben Roethlisberger line than anything. Barcelona’s director, Joan Oliver, said that the reports were, “not completely wrong.” You know what? Fuck you and your not completely wrong bull shit, just spit it out you cock.
[edit:Normally there would be pretty pictures to accompany this, but for technical reasons, I am unable to upload photos to my server.]
Popularity: 1% [?]
Related posts:
You should have finished with WWE news, since you started The Morning After Pill with a fake sport.
haha, touche