- NO! I'M doing it RIGHT! YOU are doing it WRONG!
Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at Logic@TheGallyBlog.com or @THElogic and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related but I do like to hear about enterTAINTment issues as well. Other times it can be sexy but it can never…NEVER be about suicide. You won’t like my answer. As always, I was emailed a fantastic story from a witty reader…
(e-mail in italics, Logic in bold and italics)
Dear Logic the Lonely, Lonely Idiotbrained Bigot,
Hello. I hope this finds you well. And by that, I mean I hope this finds you at the bottom of a well filled with snakes and mayonnaise. You disgust me. I heard your stand up comedy. You think that is funny? Celebrating anti-Semitic behavior? I can only pray to Moses that the next time a Muslim comes to New York City with a jihad in mind, they prepare better than a fist full of firecrackers, some fertilizer and propane tanks because I will direct that Muslim into your comedy show, sir. I promise you this.
Now, on to my email. I have a situation. I know this hateful, racist slut that pretends he is a professional blogger. He likes to make fun of sick and weak humans during the best times of their life because he is jealous that they had one happy moment in their life. One moment more than he would ever have. I was just curious as to what he would have to say about a cute kid pretending he is a super hero. Oh, and he has cancer. Maybe he will show a heart? Maybe he will transform into the jelly fish that he is every time he gets behind a mic or laptop computer?
Sincerely,
Harvey Horowitz
(Editor’s Note: Oof)
Dear Harvey,
I’m not sure if you know me. My name is Logic. You seem to have described AJ Dauelerio? Maybe you got the wrong email address? Ah. Whatever. I can help you out.
-
- Look at me, you cross eyed little shit.
Alright look. I don’t want to be a dick as much as the next guy, but things need to get said. I don’t quite know what you’re asking me but I think I have advice for this kid. It’s time to stop being such a faggot and get out of the spandex. We get it. You have liver cancer. Whatever. That’s like the easiest cancer to get rid of. Hell, you could probably have Ernie Harwell’s liver, it’s probably still warm.
Honestly, I don’t even see what the big deal is. 13 years old? You never got to experience life yet. No one is taking anything special away from you. I mean, c’mon, you look like you would’ve wasted it throwing poke balls at your Pomeranian dog while only drinking Soy milk. Besides, nothing you can be going through can be worse than a ground and pound from a University of Virginia lacrosse player.
Lookit here, Electron Boy. That’s a goofy name. You know what electrons are? Negative. Yep. That’s straight science, homey. I’ll call you homey because you are black, see. You need to be positive. Plus, you need to be creative. That’s why you change your goofy ass name to Positron Man. See what I did there? Boys are weak. Men are strong. We have big dicks. A Big swinging dick mentality, is what you need. Plus, then you can keep all the goofy electricity stuff. Except, now you are charged positively with protons! HIV Positively Charged. Right? Wait. It was cancer. Okay, scratch that last part. No, you can keep the electric stuff. Whatever, gayboy.
As for the community who did this to the little dork, you should be ashamed of yourself. You know crushed kids get when they find out there is no Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Jesus? It’s fucking heartbreaking. How is this kid going to handle high school? He’s going to take out his little lightning rod and the starting linebacker on the football team is going to stick his nappy head in a toilet for Christ’s sake. Or he’s going to nickname his penis the lightning rod and ask girls if they want to see it and then BAM! C and D letters up the ass.
Alright. I guess that about answers your question. I’m sure I can Google Dauelerio’s email for you, it’s not hard? Anyway, I think the kid should get a new liver if the cancer hasn’t spread all over his body. Let him grow up to drink that thing to death via cirrhosis, the fun way, the Logic way!
Unfaithfully Yours,
Logic
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“straight science, homey.” I see the bar has been raised. Wow.
I thought Harvey was pretty accurate in his name calling, to be honest.
And you’re lying if you say you’re not jealous of that kid. How many times did you try dressing up as a super hero as a kid only to end up in a thong with your picture on the internet, Logic?
There are pictures of me in a thong floating around the interwebs. Are you interested?
I think those are what I was alluding to. Unfortunately for my eyes.