The Gally Blog

Come Get Some.

Over the last few months the Gally Blog has had a major face lift. I can dig it. It’s a lot harder to get writer’s block when you get so many options to chose from. Unlike my diet plan that was full of satire…and racism, this is something that I have done and it is a proven method. I swear to you it will work. You just need to trust me, which I know, can be incredibly hard. Let’s face it, I’m a douche bag. That was tough to admit but let me tell you, if there is one thing you learn about me, it’s that I get the WORST hangovers in the entire world. On Saturday and Sunday, if I don’t sleep until 3PM, it’s pretty much definite that I’d feel like death and head back to sleep until my head pain went away. Unless I had some oxycontin. Then, I’d be okay.

Step by Step process of “Cleaning the Pipes” after the jump:

Step 1: Wake up. Shake the cobwebs off. Go grab a bottle of water (or Gatorade…Preferably, ICE COLD). Don’t drink it! Okay, drink it if you need but make sure you re-fill it or get another one. This is going to be like your oil change.

Step 2: Turn the shower on as hot as it can go. Steam that bitch out. Turn this place into a sauna. I’m serious! This is the most important part.

Step 3: Place water bottle in bathroom. Leave bathroom. Prepare for shower/mayhem. Go get source of pornography or other masturbatory material.

Step 4: Re enter bathroom. Chug ice cold water bottle as fast as you can. This is where the “Add-Ons” at the bottom come in. If you brought a banana or Advil, put them in your face as soon as you drink the water.

Step 5: When finished, take a giant doody. (So, obviously only do this when able to shit) Things are going to get sweaty. Maybe have a towel handy? Don’t wipe with the towel, you sick fuck. That’s your mother’s!

Step 6: Clean up, flush toilet. It’s going to get weird if you don’t. Step 6 requires you to beat your dick like you caught it breaking into your house. (Editor’s Note: Since I’m a boy, I don’t know how this would work for the females. Can they double click the mouse in the shower? I don’t know. Men have no shame, they’ll fling yogurt right into the toilet. Well, you definitely need to do something if you don’t masturbate on the toilet. I’m sure, if you’d like, you could give a blowjob at this step? Should work all in the same? *high fives your boyfriend*)

Step 7: Hop in the shower. Clean up as normal. Don’t forget to get rid of all phlegm and blow your nose while in the shower. Of course, the after orgasm urination is a must.

Step 8: When finished with shower, Brush your teeth, mouthwash, clean out your ears, etc. Get all the gunk from last night, out of your head and body. Hence “cleaning the pipes”. That’s where all the poison comes from. Well, I pretend it’s poison. It helps me hurry to get it out of me.

Step 9: Dry off. Get dressed. Be awesome. I’ll usually go eat something at this point. Egg whites, turkey bacon and hot sauce on a wrap. Or, if horribly bad, I’ll hit the gym and repeat this cycle until I feel awesome with a protein shake instead of a bottle of water and minus the doody.

So, I know this definitely works. I shared this with Wisconsin Rob and Gimp on the Hammer Fisted Podcast but I think it hit the cutting floor. I’m not sure if they tried this but I’ve only ever told Flanker Nips (the 3rd Hammer Fisted writer) and this dude at my job and they swear by it now. If you follow this step by step, you will cure your hangover. I promise.

(Editor’s Note: And a side note, how awesome is it to smoke cigarettes and take a shit at work? No one says anything to you during these times. It’s like getting a free paid coffee break. I mean if you are a “pack-a-day” smoker and have diarrhea, you can pretty much just do nothing for an entire day and get paid for it!)

Other add-ons for the bathroom process that can help the problem at hand: Advil. Bananas. Gatorade, (WSR- Pedialyte. Sorry for the misunderstanding), etc. If you have one that I haven’t thought of, drop it in the comments section. This is a growing process that I’ll hopefully never get immune to.

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