With the popularity of strong opinions in sports coverage, Rupert Murdoch decided to roll the dice with a new show, combining his shining star from one network with the sports resources of another. This is a rush transcript from the first show.
- NOW WITH SPORTS!
Welcome- Welcome!- to the show. We’ve got a lot to cover here, a lot going on, and not a lot of balanced coverage from the so-called “leaders” of the sport news landscape. The big story on the docket today, college football. The University of Southern Californ-eye-ay got absolutely levelled in punishments doled out by the NCAA. Or did they? See, I’ve done the research and this is something, something you’re just not going to see on the other networks. Alabama was the last school to get a penalty like this, in 2002. And obviously, that devastated their prog- OH WAAAAAIT! They just won a national title! Clearly, the system works! I’m a fan of Notre Dame- maybe we should just commit a few violations, and within a few years, WHAMMO! The glory is restored! Shine up the dome, boys, we’re dancing an Irish jig under Touchdown Jesus! All it takes is some well-placed, well-compensated players and they might as well give us the crystal trophy. The person who really, I think, gets an unfair shake here is Lane Kiffin. This man has never been appreciated, no matter where he’s been, and has just shown up to work and crawled up the ladder to get his dream job. Now he finally gets there, and he has to deal with penalties that he had nothing to do with? Tell you what I do here- I tell Pete Carroll, I tell him right to his face, “Hey Pete- you lose 15 million from your salary cap this year. Suck on that big guy.” The Seahawks won’t be able to compete now, will they? I don’t have the numbers in front of me, but 15 million is a big chunk of the salary cap in any year, I know that much. I also know that Lane has done nothing wrong, and to punish him is downright unamerican.
- Unamerican! It's coo-coo-pants!
Staying with the ol’ pigskin, sounds like Colorado is leaving the Big XII for the Pac-10, and Nebraska’s headed to the Big 10 and the rest are scrambling in anarchy. Now, I’ll tell ya what, ol’ Becky ain’t liking any of this one bit. The consolidation of power in the college football landscape is going to lead to an infringement of rights. What of the independents? Who will speak for them? It used to be that most major programs were independent. But one by one, they all started turning their backs on the ideals the game was founded on, because they didn’t have the guts to stand apart. I’m sorry, did I miss the day in school where we were instructed to be lemmings? Is free will a flaw? Is it suddenly acceptable to drink Windex? I certainly think so, if the rest of those are true! Or maybe we should just change it from the land of the free to the land of the consolidated for the sake of educational opportunity.
Finally, Lord Stanley’s Cup finally was awarded to the Chicago Blackhawks. And let me just say- I saw it coming. The signs were all there. The popular opinion saw this series going to a game seven, and with the right bookie, you could get pretty good odds. On top of the upsets in the Eastern Conference, isn’t it interesting, isn’t it the slightest bit curious that these seem to all be tied to gambling. I see you out there, you’re assuming that this is going to go to Gretzky’s wife- NO! You have to look deeper. The commissioner, Mr. Gary…B-b-bettman!? Bet. Man. He’s playing us all for suckers and laughing all the way to the bank. There is no “conspiracy” for this team or that team to win on a season-long scale- there is only the short term manipulation of results so The Betman can reap the benefits. And this is from the “National” Hockey League. News flash: They’re in two nations. Which is it, NHL? Or are you the “Bi-National” Hockey League? Maybe just Bi-Nationally curious? Don’t think I’m buying into your garbage, Bet-man. I’m on to- WE are on to you. All of us. Let’s see you get that analysis from the other networks.
We’ll be back after this.
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is it sad that I think I laughed the hardest at the full term of “lord stanley’s cup?”
Slightly, yes. And you realize that most people pick a name and stick with it, not constantly changing…just sayin.