The Gally Blog

Body by Logic

It’s summer. Everyone is looking to shed those pounds and get to the beach. Well…at least stand around in a park with their shirt off drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon. I mean, that’s exactly what I want to do. It’s a shame that we all didn’t start in January like we said and kept the weight off all winter. Nope. Winter means baggy clothes and hoodies. Perfect fat camouflage. I’m not even one to judge. I was a sexy beast in the fall. I’m a little doughy right now. I haven’t been to the beach yet. I’m nervous.

Some of you have been asking me ways to get skinny. Dieting tips, work out plans, cocaine dealers, etc. Well, all that is great but the problem is, it’s BORING. Working out is pretty boring. And long. And redundant. Eating healthy is even worse than that! Look at Drew not only is he not as funny, but he looks lifeless behind his eyes in that after picture. Well, actually he looks like Steve Zahn but that’s neither here nor there.

I think I created the best diet of all time. It has everything. It’s healthy. It’s purging. It’s cleansing. It has cheating. Most of all, it going to be fucking awesome.

(full diet after the jump)

Okay, here’s the deal. You are going to eat the same thing for an ENTIRE day. Yes. The whole day. Nothing else, but this. The diet is going to be strictly A-Z for 26 days. Get it? This is going to be fun, but painful. Easy and hard at the same time. Now, obviously you can’t just eat the one thing all day or that will be boring. So water and green tea is okay. Other than that, NOTHING.

A: Asparagus- Yeah. This is day one. Get used to it.  There are going to be bad days. This is going to be an awful day. Your piss is going to smell disgusting. You will be cramping and shitty by the end of the day. Steamed or out of the can is fine.

B: Biscuits- Yes. Biscuits. Why? Because that’s what our abs are going to look like after this diet. NO BUTTER!

C: Corned Beef- I’m an Irish-ass mother jumper and I love this stuff. I can eat it by the pound. Go ahead and add some mustard, you crazy dude.

D: Drink day! Whooohoo! You made it. 3 days and you’re not dead. As a reward you get to drink anything. I mean anything. Beer. Wine. Soda. Whatever. Drink. Just don’t eat a fucking thing. For a day. You like that twist? Ha! I’m an evil man. Well, fair but firm.

E: Egg Whites- Egg whites are awesome. If you need a yolk, have a yolk. Don’t be a dick though. Just one. You are getting breakfast for dinner (Brinner) so be excited and don’t cheat. If instead of a yolk, you want to make an omelette, make an omelette with some veggies. No sausage. No bacon. No toast. Salt, pepper, eggs, veggies. That’s it. And one yolk, you dick.

F: French Onion Soup- Let’s get screwy! French onion soup it is. All day. 3 meals. Even breakfast. If you need to, drip the melted cheese over the bowl. That’s fine. I know not every person will like this but find a soup that works for you instead, and no clam chowders. A water based soup. Stop being a fatty.

G: Garden Salads- Anything you can grow, you can eat today. All vegetables (I guess fruits too, cheater). Load up on them. Go nuts. But if I see you use any dressing, I will personally chop your throat. Protect ya neck, son!

H: Hot Dogs- I’m trying to keep this a little fun, and what is funner than hot dogs?! Nothing. That’s what. Head to a baseball game and grab a few dogs. Stick to the mustard and stay away from everything else. Especially ketchup. And especially if you’re a ginger. That red sauce on a red person is just fucking weird.

I: Ink- “Ink? Wtf? You are going to have me eat pens?” Nope. Ink is for octopus. Fry up some calamari. Go ahead. If not, you can think of something for I. It’s out of my hands now.

J: Jerky- Beef fucking jerky day, FTW. (Chicken jerky if you want to be a real good person)

K:Kraft- Mac and Cheese, bro. Hit it up. Do it to death. All day. Until you puke noodles.

L: Lemon and Limes- Weird right? Might even suck. Well, you are going to need the vitamin C. You might actually have scurvy by now.

M: Matzo Ball Soup- I’ve never had this. I don’t do Jew food but if you want, go for some Melon.

N: Nachos- This might be the best day of your life.

O: Orange Jello- Go ahead. Attempt to eat some Cherry. I’ll kill your kids in front of you.

P:Pig- Anything that can be made from a pig is for you today. Aren’t you a lucky person?

Q: Quail? Okay. Fine. Quesadilla! BOOSH! Didn’t think I could do it? Huh? You haven’t been supportive of this at all. Have fun at Taco Bell

R: Raisins- Well we have to make up for yesterday because sooooomeeeeboooodddyyyy didn’t want to eat a poor little quail. So they stuffed their chubby cheeks with Taco Bell.

S: Sangria- Alcohol time. Again. Time to get drunk. And guess what? I’ll let you eat the fruit inside. Don’t let your friends tell you that Sangria comes with a side of cock. It’s not true. It’ll just get your hopes up.

T: Texas Toast- Go ahead. Go nuts. Have some fun with this. I’ve never eaten it but it looks good in stores. I’ll bet you that you don’t even want to eat tomorrow after this.

U: Uncle Ben’s Rice- I know this is a name brand, but just eat rice and get off my back. The Asians do it and look how skinny they are! (Note: This is NOTHING like Uncle Tom’s Chicken)

V: (This one would be kind of obvious, right?) No, it’s not vajayjay. I’m pretty sure you are either uninterested, or couldn’t get it anyway. The answer is Veal. This one is going to test your morals. We are three days away. Can you follow the whole diet and kill some baby cows?

W: Waffles- Isn’t breakfast awesome? Try to use little to zero maple syrup and NO BUTTER! What don’t you get with the butter? Jesus tapdancing Christ. This is why you’re the heaviest nation in the world. When you double fist tubs of crisco at bacon parties, you get chubby and your heart clogs. You know what? Now you get Water Moccasins. Yep. That’s poison. In the form of snake. Everyone was requesting hemlock and cyanide. No. Now eat the GD snake and zip it.

X: Xanex- Would this be a “Logical” diet plan without it?

Y: If you ate more than one yolk, you get no Y. You better start drinking Green Tea, kid or it’s nap time for you. If you didn’t eat more than one yolk, you can have Yellow Squash until you shit yourself.

Z: Zucchini- I’d suggest, at this point, either eating the shit outta some zucchini or sleeping for 24 hours. Because this diet is….

OVER, BABY! WHOOHOO! HOORAY! Wait. Are you there? Are you alive? Did you make it? Uhh. Hello?

Well there it is folks, the A-Z diet plan. I think you can end up looking really good off of this diet and shed some quick lbs. before beach season. Most likely, you’ll be a very well dressed man with a  lot of make-up on in a big wooden box If you do try to attempt this diet, please let me know and we can record your progress. Before and after pictures, the whole 9 yards.

*I am not responsible if you die

Popularity: 1% [?]

No related posts.