Hello, new Big 10 family. It is quite enjoyable to be joining your ranks of academic excellence and storied NCAA sporting tradition. The Nebraska Cornhuskers and the entire University of Nebraska-Lincoln is excited to enter your conference on good terms and amiable handshakes. You have no idea what it’s like to go from a conference where other lesser schools and teams (Missouri, Kansas, etc.) cupped one larger university’s balls (Texas) while they performed yearly fellatio. Hey, I love a good cupping as much as the next guy, but it got a bit out of control. It doesn’t appear to be this way in the Big 10, which we respect and appreciate each other over fine brandy and tightly rolled cigars. People genuinely seem to get along. Except of course with Iowa. Fucking Iowa.
As a new school in the conference which brings a large fan base though, there may be some confusion as to who is who and how they match up with our previous opponents. So as a friendly introduction, The Gally Blog’s resident Nebraska fan that lives in Big 10 country will gladly assist in walking former Big 12 fans into the new Big 10, and draw similarities where similarities are due. Disagree? Add your take in the comments. But without further ado, let me bridge Nebraska fans from one conference to the next …
- Some classy broads in the state of Ohio
Ohio State: Consider them your new Texas, without all animal humping and illegal Mexicans. Without question, tOSU is the big dog in the Big 10 (I hate that I just wrote that) and figure to be in the conference title conversation every year. Do they pout as much as Texas does? That is something I would like to know, Big 10 veterans. Also, what’s with the sweater vests? Are they kind of gays or do they just like dressing dapper? Not that I care either way, I’m just trying to figure out which cult to avoid.
Wisconsin: Believe it or not, but Wisconsin may become Nebraska’s new Oklahoma. Wha?!? Oklahoma you say? Hear me out. Sure, Wisconsin has never actually done anything in college football like Oklahoma has, but similar to Oklahoma, they wear an analogous color scheme as Nebraska – enough to make them always look like the bad guy – and have a shared history. Wisconsin AD Barry Alvarez is a former Husker (as seen in the video above) and I feel that both teams share a mutual respect for each other, where you’d sure like to beat the hell out of them, but hey, we could probably get along in cheering against Ohio State or Iowa. Which brings us to …
- I can only assume that's the bathroom O face?
Iowa: As a Nebraska fan living in Minnesota I already fucking hate Iowa without even having to live close to them. Really, I’ve never quite understood why everyone – seriously, everyone – in the Big 10 consistently hates Iowa so much. Is it the stadium bathroom sex? Their primary election status? Their horrible driving skills? I’m sure it’s all of the above. All I know is that Nebraskans living in Nebraska hate Iowa for some unknown reason as well, almost as much as they hated Missouri. And my god do I hate Missouri, those worthless meth heads. Iowa, you have already taken Missouri’s mantle as douche nozzles and Nebraska won’t even play you for another year. Congrats.
Michigan: While Michigan is easily considered a blue blood program of college football, in the Big 12 the traditional blue bloods were Nebraska, Oklahoma, and Texas. With those two already being spoken for, it leaves an appropriate Michigan comparison kind of dead in the water. The best I can come up with now is Texas Tech who similarly shares a kitschy and annoying offense that never wins them any real games. Rich Rod has not so successfully implemented that style at Michigan in recent years. While he’s sucked it up amazingly, it doesn’t make his attempt any less annoying. Dick.
Penn State: I got nothing for a good Penn State comparison either. I’m going to say they are most like Oklahoma State, because of their propensity to climb the polls throughout the season and encourage and excite their fan base only to shit the bed in amazing fashion against teams that are horrible. Penn State is usually good for that, right?
- Someone found his next gopher hole.
Minnesota: The local Golden Goofers are easy to envision as Nebraska’s next Colorado. Sure, you won a couple of football games before the Civil War which no one cares about and had a little bit of dominance here and there, but it’s never been sustained and both teams seem to think they’re a bit more important to the collegiate athletic landscape than they truly are. Also, the Buffs consistently considered Nebraska their major rivals, saying that if they went 1-12 during the season with their only win against the Huskers, it was a good season. The Gophers seem likely to carry that mentality, as I already have heard about some animosity still to their 84-13 loss back in 1983. Finally, both schools house their fair share of hipster doofuses and pot heads. That pretty much seals it.
Illinois: Uh … Illinois is in your conference huh? They’re not too good at football but have a decent basketball program, right? How about Iowa State? Works for me.
Purdue: Similarly, up and down in football without any real threat but formidable in basketball. Sounds a whole lot like Kansas if you ask me. And really, both teams are silly. Boilermakers and Jayhawks? That’s almost as bad as Cornhuskers! /wakkawakka
Northwestern: For Northwestern I’m saying Kansas State is the best comparison. Why? Because I couldn’t resist the last option available …
Indiana: … Which would be comparing Indiana to Baylor. Both teams roll over easier than an ugly girl on prom night and are guaranteed wins on the schedule. Really, it’s like a middle of the season out of conference scheduled game. Whichever new Big 10 division ends up with Indiana should blow theirselves asleep with how lucky they are.
Now that we have our feet wet as new Big 10 fans understanding who is who, we’ll go forward into the future digging deeper into these new opponents and potential rivalries. Upcoming important features will include who has the worst fans, what are the typical stereotypes of each fan base, and what ridiculous rivalry trophy can we create for some of the big games? Ohhh! These new conferences are fun! Your critiques in the comments.
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Fuck you, ass.
That was just for mentioning 84-13. Welcome to the party. Make sure to take Iowa’s lunch money as often and as cruelly as possible.
LOL – funniest thing I have read yet on the conference expansion.
To fill in osme blanks and questions:
tOSU – this isn’t the SEC – when we get a bad call. we don’t whine about it for the next month (*cough ahem SEC 2009 ahem cough). It is part of the game. We didn’t whine about USC getting a TD when they were really stopped on 4th and goal in 2009 and didn’t blame the loss to the Illini on a missed out of bounds call.
The Vest is a trademark kind of like the coaches uniform. Earl Bruce had to go to suits when criticized for looking like a HS coach at practice with his sideline attire. It works pretty good for him – in warm weather he can wear a short sleeve shirt and it isn’t too hot, in cold weather he can layer underneath.
Wisconsin – among the most underrated hard luck teams in NCAAF. They are the most boring good team you will ever watch. They don’t have a lot of flash on offense or defense, they just play solid getting 1st downs, stopping the opponent, and controlling the clock. As a Buckeye, they always scare me as the potential “Upset” loss.
While you focus on Iohwuh, those pesky Badgers will become your real rival.
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Iowa – I wasn’t aware they were so hated, but we have our plate full hating on tSUN and PSU. Ferentz has an ability to take a group of unheralded recruits and take them to the top of the conference every 5 to 10 years. He doesn’t have the ability to translate that into improved recruiting as they slowly slip back down the conference rankings for an extended time.
tSUN (the School Up North) – they won’t always suck. They are just letting RRs contract run out before replacing him with a valid heir to the throne. Hopefully their next search won’t be as embarrasing as their last. When RR is shown the door, you will grow to hate those ugly helmets almost as much as the Buckeyes.
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PSU – I really want to hate them, but I can’t. Their coach looks like everyone’s funny grandpa who tells stupid jokes and hands out candy and pocket change to the kids. Their mascot looks like a child’s plush toy. Frak – they play in “Happy Valley” – how am I suppose to hate that?
Minnesota – Da Gophers don’t suck… they just aren’t a top 1/3 of the conference team. You hit the nail on the head – Minnesotans are just too nice for football.
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Illini – Finally after 2009 we went from declaring them an up and coming team to realizing 2007 was a fluke, the rest of their recent performances the norm. Not sure why – they are in a populous state with a large campus and a big name coach, they just can’t seem to do squat on the field in most years.
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Indiana – they have just plain given up on football… nuttin else to say.
Purdue – hard to say what their future holds with a new coach.
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Northwestern – might be the most underrated team in the Big 10 right now. They cam within an overtime loss of beating the Big 12 North champ in 2008 (I blame a punt that was meant to go out of bounds but got hung up) and came within an injury to their FG kicker of winning their bowl last year.
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You forgot Michigan State – easy to do. Here is how their season will go: They will have an early season close loss against a much better OOC team. They will score a HUGE upset early in the conference schedule against a top contender, then lose to a scrub the following week. They are the Jeckyll and Hyde of the Big 10.
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Conference name: I use to say it was binary for the Big 2, but Rich Rod has ruined that joke.
No, we won’t change it. WQe will joke about it being the Big Tenwelve and use it to harass posters who slip abd refer to the conference as having only 10 teams.
We do not tolerate fighting among coaches and AD staff. It is not fake – I recall the look as disgust on the Vest’s face when while running between the tackles to run out the clock with a lead against NW, the TB broke free for a score.
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As the coaches met after the game, you could read the Vest’s as he apologized and said he didn’t mean to score, just as you could read Fitzgerald’s lips as he said “I know” and patted the Vest on the ahoulder.
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You won’t have to fight for your share of money – there is more than enough to go around (I estimate shared revenue to be somewhere between $35-40 Million by 2016).
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You won’t read about coaches or Athletic Director’s disparaging comments often – if they exist, they are kept behind close doors.
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You won’t read about player’s disparaging comments too often as the coaches usually clamp down on that quickly. You won’t see poor sportsmanship often as that will certainly cost a player a chunk of playing time.
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Youy rarely hear coaches go off the hook blaming bad calls until they enter their senile years as that draws quick scorn… it is just an unfortunate part of the game.
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You will get better bowl appearances. Usually 2 teams play in the BCS (because the BCS can’t invite 3 teams from the same conference) (you don’t have to win the conference to make a BCS appearance), the 3rd plays in the Cap 1 on New Years (which usually has better ratings than at least 1 BCS game).
Darth Delany is your genius overlord. When someone complains he is in the way of a playoff, etc., don’t correct them, just agree that the Big 10 Commissioner controls all of college football and is the sole architect of the modern NCAAF landscape – it really upsets fans of that Delany-wanna-be-over-rated-self-promoting-idiot Silve from the SEC.
To be honest, the guy really is the best commissioner in NCAAF having given birth to the BTN while taking the shared revenue from $2 Million to over $22 Million per team per year in his tenure… though as Delany nears retirement, Scott from the PAC 10 will give him a run for his money.
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…oh yeah, and you will get used to losing to tOSU… just like everyone else has (except perhaps those pesky Badgers)…
May your future hold many 13-1 seasons.
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Welcome to the Big 10.