Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Wednesday May 23rd 2012

Fantasy Football Preview (Part 2 of 3)

This is what happens when you Google Image search "Fantasy Football"

No seriously. The picture of Vanessa Hudgens was a joke that I thought of. I didn’t know what to have as a banner picture and now you get this smoking hot chick with her vagina labeled as an “End Zone”. Which is totally weird. I’d end all over her face or those giant T’s.

Okay, back to what you ACTUALLY care about. Fantasy Football. We started out with a decorum post. You should now know how to act in a fantasy league with your friends so you’re not embarrassed. I’d rather make you cool than a winner. When you’re cool…you always win. One last piece of advice…it’s highly important

If we are discussing fantasy football and I ask you a question like: “Who do you think will be better, Peyton Manning or Drew Brees?” and you reply with “I don’t know man. It all depends on the year they have.” I will drag your first born into a lake. Do you hear me, Mike from work? You’re f-cking pushing it, man. Of course we will see when the GD year is over!

Now that that is off my chest, next up on the agenda is seeing where players rank. This is highly important when picking a team, says Erik Kuselias. For the record, these are my rankings and predictions. I’m not going to explain every ranking but if you want anything in particular explained, please express yourself in the comment section. If not, kindly go get butt sexed by a bear.

Again, let me reiterate. I won’t be linking any big name website’s rankings. I’m going off the top of my head and these are MY rankings. It’s okay to disagree. I’ll be ranking everything but Defense and Kickers. You can do that work yourself. If you want my opinion on these positions, please refer to my last post.

Also, let me apologize because I think I said I’d do a mock first and second round. Well that will be part 3. So get over it. I’m sure worse stuff has happened to you in your life. You’re getting fantasy advice from a dude named Logic that doesn’t make sense. WTF is wrong with you? Start looking inward on your problems, bro.

Quarterbacks- We’ll start off with what I think is the deepest position there is. I would imagine that you are in a 12 team league at worst. There are 32 NFL teams. The chances of you getting a good quarterback are about as high as Ricky Williams right now. I’m not saying ignore the big 4 QBs (Peyton, Brees, Brady and Rodgers) but I wouldn’t reach for these guys. Grabbing the RBs is much more important this year. I’ll list a few extra quarterbacks because of Favre’s faggity flip flopping mind. Man was that some sweet alliteration or what?

Drew Brees- NO. Peyton Manning- IND. Aaron Rodgers- GB. Tom Brady- NE. Tony Romo- Dallas. Philip Rivers- SD. Matt Schaub- HOU. Eli Manning- NYG. Matt Ryan- ATL. Carson Palmer- Cinci. Brett Favre (pending retirement)- MINN. Kevin Kolb- Philly. Donovan McNabb- WASH. Joe Flacco- BAL.

That’s how I would draft. I would probably shoot for one of the big 4 quarterbacks in the first two rounds but if you don’t get a chance at one of the big 4, I would just wait until the 5th round to grab one. My sleeper is Carson Palmer but I think Tony Romo is going to have a huge year.

Running Backs- The RB situation in the league has gotten weaker and weaker. Why? Mostly because of old age and the introduction of the RB by committee offense that pretty much  every team in the league runs this. This is why you must grab them when you can. Especially those that don’t split carries. I’ll list a bunch more running backs than quarterbacks because in most leagues you need to start 2, plus maybe a flex position. If a person is in parentheses, that means that they would be the starter but the team drafted a rookie (or has another guy) that is getting major love.

Chris Johnson- TEN. Adrian Peterson- MINN. MJD- JAX. Ray Rice- BAL. Stephen Jackson- STL. DeAngelo Williams- Carolina. Frank Gore- SF. Michael Turner- ATL. Knowshon Moreno- DEN. Rashard Mendenhall- PIT. Cedric Benson- Cinci. Ryan Grant- GB. Shonn Green- NYJ. Jamaal Charles- KC. Pierre Thomas- NO Felix Jones (Marion Barber)- DAL. LeSean McCoy- PHI. Matt Forte- CHI. Chris Wells- ARI. Joseph Addai.- Indy Jerome Harrison- CLE. Ronnie Brown- MIA. Ryan Matthews (Darren Sproles)- SD. Ben Tate (Steve Slaton)- HOU. Justin Forsett- SEA. Fred Jackson (Marshawn Lynch, CJ Spiller)- BUF. Brandon Jacobs- NYG. Clinton Portis- WASH. Cadillac Williams- TB.

Wide Receivers- I hate this position. It relies to heavy on the quarterback. A safe strategy is to just pick all the receivers on a pass happy team like the Colts and you’ll most likely do just as good as someone who spread their WRs all over the league.

Larry Fitzgerald- ARI. Andre Johnson- HOU. Randy Moss- NE. Calvin Johnson- DET. Reggie Wayne- Indy. Miles Austin- Dallas. Greg Jennings- GB. Brandon Marshall- MIA. DeSean Jackson- Philly. Marques Colston- NO. Roddy White- ATL. Steve Smith- CAR. Anquan Boldin- BAL. Vincent Jackson- SD. Chad Ochocinco- Cincy. Hakeem Nicks- NYG. Sidney Rice- MIN. Steve Smith- NYG. Mike Sims-Walker- Jax. Eddie Royal- Den. Michael Crabtree- SF. Percy Harvin- Min. Hines Ward- Pit. Terrell Owens- Cincy. Dwayne Bowe- KC. Santana Moss- WASH. Wes Welker- NE. Pierre Garcon- Indy. Dez Bryant- Dallas. Antonio Bryant- Cincy. Malcom Floyd- SD. Mike Wallace- PIT. Robert Meachem- NO. Braylon Edwards- NYJ. Donald Driver- GB. Santanio Holmes- NYJ. TJ Houshmandzadeh- SEA. Bernard Berrian- MINN. Jeremy Maclin- Philly. Josh Cribbs- CLE. Johnny Knox- CHI. Justin Gage- TEN. Chris Chambers- KC. Lee Evans- BUF. Roy Williams- DAL. Mario Manningham- NYG.

Tight Ends- I don’t know if that was a good amount of WRs but that’s enough. From then on you have to use your judgement because you are picking out of the 2nd and 3rd options. A lot of times, Tight Ends trump the 2nd and 3rd WRs. Don’t think I list TEs because they are super important, I just rank them because I used to be a high school tight end and most of the cool guys in the league are tight ends. I think you know who they are but here’s a list:

Dallas Clark- Indy. Antonio Gates- SD. Jason Witten- Dallas. Tony Gonzalez- ATL. Vernon Davis- SF. Owen Daniels- HOU. Greg Olsen- CHI. Dustin Keller- NYJ. Jeremy Shockey- NO. Chris Cooley- WASH. Brent Celek- PHI. Zach Miller- OAK. Kellen Winslow- TB. Visanthe Shiancoe- Minn. Jermichael Finley- GB. John Carlson- SEA. Kevin Boss- NYG.


And that’s that folks. Those are most of my rankings. Of course these will change in a month or two with trades/signings/injuries/hold outs/etc. Maybe I’ll update them? Most likely I won’t. Yahoo and ESPN does a good job with that. I’d Google those websites if you haven’t heard of them. Until next time…

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