Alright gang. Perhaps you’ve heard- I’ve started a university. And I have news- we’re playing a full slate of football games this fall. I had a few simple rules for setting up the schedule.
-Don’t schedule Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard or Notre Dame. It’s unamerican.
-Don’t schedule dates or times. We’ll take them any time, any place.
-Don’t bother with rankings. We’re number one in the BCS. Beck Championship SUCKIT.
So, without further ado, the schedule for the Beck University Fightin’ Becksters.
University of New Mexico Lobos- Oh! The “Lobos”? Did you come over here for the queso, or for the FREE HEALTH INSURANCE FOR ILLEGAL ALIENS? Perhaps you like to rape and pillage while you’re at it? Not while the Fightin’ Becksters have anything to say about it. You’ll be beaten, thrown into jail and deported…by a score of 35-24.
Duke Blue Devils- Here at Beck University, we stand in opposition of all Devils, be they blue, red or dirt. We will march into their Devil’s Den and rout them with our righteous triple option attack. They’ll live up to the name Dukie when we’re done with them. 43-14 Becks win.
Alabama Crimson Tide- Thought you could slip this one by me, eh? The Crimson Tide just HAPPENS to win its first national title since the Cold War after Obama gets elected to the White House. Sure, sure, you’re thinking, “Well here goes Beck, put him in the loony bin cuz he’s CUH-RAZY!” Am I? AM I? We put a socialist president in power, and suddenly we witness the rise of the Crimson Tide- or should I say, the RED Tide!? You’ll notice that when their defense scores points, the wealth is redistributed to the offense. Well, not on my watch! 12-8, good guys.
Akron Zips- I’ve been told that it’s required to play a MAC school, so I chose the one that reflects the score I would like them to put on the board. It helps that I’ve always had a love affair with kangaroos. At least until the state decided that was a crime. 18-5 and I take the mascot home.
Lost University Polar Bears- The Polar Bears? Global warming might be a myth, but your extinction isn’t. And I know for a fact that your clock management down the stretch is questionable. The scouting report on these guys should be interesting- they seem to cut role players and replace them with new ones with very little explanation or reasoning. On top of everything else, I’m fairly certain this isn’t an accredited institution, and should not be allowed to compete at the NCAA level. We win by forfeit.
Wayland Baptist University Flying Queens- YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAH WE GONNA BEAT THEM QUEENS.
University of Phoenix- These chumps have a stadium, but no campus. I say it’s an easy win. We’re in trouble if they figure out a way for their plays to be called and ran over an internet connection. That’s why I’m covering the stadium in aluminum foil. To keep out the internets. My 22 beat their 56k anyway, 44-10.
Barder College Strapping Young Men- To be the best, you have to beat the best. And any team known as the strapping young men has to be the best. I have been told that their strong safety is basically a traffic cone, so we should be able to run up the score on them. Their quarterback, Tate, is bright, but his teammates hate him. Beck U wins, 51-3.
Pacific Tech- These guys don’t even have a mascot. I’ve heard they’ve got some real genius on campus, but he’s not walking through that door. As a precaution, I’m using the leftover tinfoil to make laser deflector shields just in case they try something funny. We’re taking this one 3-2, with minor laser losses.
Grand Lakes University Triple Lindys- The starting QB is old as hell, the facilities are terrible (except the new business school), and they have no entrance requirements. There’s no way their feeble minds can keep up with our offensive deception. Beck U wins and collects 7 armies next turn.
South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dogs- Their linebacker might be all that, but Fonzie can’t even save them against our Shock and Aweffense. We don’t promote our ball boys for a reason. We win 28-15, and collect double rent until we build a hotel.
It’s an undefeated season- I don’t even think we need to play it. Now, you’re probably thinking, “Oh boy, there’s cookypants again! He’s off his rocker and Gramma’s in the talcum powder! Alaalsjks!” But I tell you I’m not. And you know why? Because we go into these games with a decided tactical advantage…and dammit, we want it more. But, all things being fair, let’s say we lose a game. I want you, the loyal patrons of Beck University, to remember how you feel that next day. I want you to NEVER FORGET how you feel that morning. If, and ONLY IF, you can do that, we will never lose again and we will be the greatest university in the history of mankind.
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