Facebook is a great thing, let me make that clear. I use it for more than just looking at pictures of attractive girls who went on spring break and spent the whole time in a bikini. It helps me keep in touch with many friends, and keeps me updated on what’s going on in their lives. But along with all of that come the people who make Facebook nearly intolerable. People who think Facebook is their personal ground for letting the planet know every little detail in their life. These people need to be banned from Facebook for the greater good. Up first, we take a look at “OMG I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER” Girl.
This is the girl who dedicates every status update, profile picture, normal picture, or any comment or like to her boyfriend. In her mind he can do no wrong. OMG HE JUST TOOK A DUMP AND SAID THE BROWN COLOR REMINDED HIM OF MY EYES, OH HE IS JUST SO WONDERFUL! Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up. No he is not. He might be a nice guy, but there is no fucking way you need to let everyone know every little thing he does, and then blow it up into the greatest thing ever done in the history of dating.
I have a friend like this on Facebook, and everyday she updates multiple times claiming how great her boyfriend is. And each time she does this, it brings me closer and closer to commenting on her status updates in the meanest way that I can think of. Something along the lines of:
“Shut the fuck up about your stupid fucking boyfriend. Nobody fucking cares how great you think he is. We know, you’re dating him. And for the record, there are a hell of alot more people who are alone and miserable on Facebook than are so dipshit in love like you claim to be. So do the world a service and shut the fuck up for two seconds.”
Now let’s take a look at my friends recent status updates starting from this Monday until now. We will call this girl L, and her boyfriend will be J.
L: spent a great day @ the gma’s cottage laying out & swimming. Now headed over to hang out with my J <3
Ok, not bad, could be worse. A daily recap, followed by letting us know you plan on hanging out with him. Pretty standard dating stuff.
L: Beach with my boobah
Ok, slightly worse. Again, intentions of hanging out with him, not that bad. But to call him by a pet name, and one spelled incorrectly just makes you look childish.
L: “They say in Heaven love comes first…we’ll make Heaven a place on earth..”
Oh get fucked. Shut up stupid. You’re a 21 year old girl, and I’m guessing this is your first serious boyfriend. At this point in your life, love should not come first. Fucking, drinking, and finishing college should all be what you looking for before love. Go eat shit.
L: “I have the best boyfriend in the whole universe !!!!!”
No. No you do not. He is probably not a millionaire. He probably did not find a cure for AIDS or Cancer. Shut up. I’m sure he’s a nice guy. But nobody has the best boyfriend on the planet. Mainly because I’m single. Kidding. But seriously, there is no merit to that comment. It just makes you look foolish and ignorant to the rest of the world around you.
L: ” J is my sweetheart. <3 I’m the luckiest…”
SHUT UP! No you are not. He may be your sweetheart, but you are not the fucking luckiest person on the planet. That honor currently goes to the guy who fell from the 2nd deck at The Ballpark In Arlington, and was able to escape with minor injuries. How fucking naive are you?
L: “Is so in love with the best boy ever and he’s all mine..I love you my J <3″
This is getting fucking rediculous. I read these bullshit updates everday, and I still want to punch you in the face, and drop kick you in the twat as a re-read them, and post them here. He’s not all yours. He’s a 21 year old guy. All he needs is 4 beers and a slightly hotter girl to come along and he’s someone elses. Open up your fucking eyes, and be realistic for half a fucking second.
L: “…So if you dare to second guess..you can rest…assure that all my love’s for you…my beating heart belongs to you.”
Oh for fucks sakes. There is nothing worse than song lyrics to tell someone how much you “love” them. Durrr I’m so unoriginal and creative that I have to rely on a fucking Green Day song to tell you how much I love you. Eat shit and choke.
So there you have it. Seven updates about how great her boyfriend is. Since Monday. So that’s about 2 per day. You need to stop, it’s embarrassing for you and him. I can understand updates occasionally when he gets you a gift, or you are celebrating an anniversary, but this is fucking bat shit insane. So who whoever is in charge of Facebook, please step in and do the right thing: Ban this delusional, naive, bitch. Please?
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I think quoting a Belinda Carlisle song was actually the lowpoint of these status updates.
Please keep us all informed of her updates after she catches him sexting the skank he picked up Thursday night at the bar.