The Gally Blog

I know it’s been a while since I’ve mocked professional blowhard John Dudley. If you remember my classic post that started my public hatred of the man, he ripped Bob Sanders to shreds for no real reason. I’ve stayed away from Duds because HE WROTE A GLOWING ARTICLE ABOUT SANDERS. I refuse to link to it. Basically, Jo-Du was pissed because Sanders wouldn’t grant an interview, and then changed back to loving him when he did. That’s not Journalism, that’s 17-year-old-girl-that-thinks-she’s-better-than-everyone-and-will-end-up-fat-and-pregnant-in-two-years-type crap. So, that’s out of the way. I found another of his “Thoughts, deep and shallow…” articles, which usually means he doesn’t have enough *ahem* “material” to turn anything into a full fledged “article”. This is no exception. So, in honor of my pending return to Erie, here we go. (As always- Duds in bold, me in not-bold)

- I know I should be happy that the U.S. team won its pool and earned a favorable opening match against Ghana in the World Cup round of 16.

Probably because it was the best possible outcome anyone could have thought of before the tournament. But really, what’s the fun in that?

But I can’t fully enjoy the moment because of all the draws, a total of 12 during group play alone. That includes two each by the U.S. and Paraguay, teams that won their groups despite winning only once.

Oh, noes! They won their groups without losing a game PUNISH THEM

I know this will get me in trouble with soccer purists, but if tennis is willing to stretch a first-round match for more than 11 hours over two days to produce a winner, can’t we come up with a World Cup tiebreaker that works for everyone?

Tennis stretched that match because you can’t advance anyone in a single-elimination tournament in the event of a tie. Soccer’s first round is round-robin. They are completely different setups, and any comparison would be horribly flawed. In other words, classic J-Duds.

But only the soccer purists are going to call him out on that, as opposed to only most people that scored higher than drool on their SATs.

- Speaking of that epic Wimbledon match in which John Isner of the U.S. beat France’s Nicolas Mahut, it’s officially the third-longest event in sports history, behind a 1999 Nomar Garciaparra at-bat against the Yankees and Sergio Garcia waggling over an approach shot at the 2005 U.S. Open.

Even Jay Leno thinks that joke is old.

- You might have heard that Brett Favre has been nominated for four ESPY awards, including record-breaking performance, best play, performance under pressure and best NFL player.

“Did you see how he threw the ball to the other team, killing his own team in the process? No one else could do that the way he does! And under pressure to boot!”

In addition, Favre is up for an Emmy for Lead Actor in a Drama Series for his role on ESPN’s 2009 summerlong hit, “Will Brett Favre Come out of Retirement or Watch His Daughters Play Volleyball?”

Even Johnny Carson thinks that joke is old.

- Central Florida basketball player Marcus Jordan used his Twitter account during Game 7 of the NBA Finals to suggest that Kobe Bryant doesn’t belong in the same conversation as his father, former Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordan.

“He cheated on Mom all the time and didn’t need to buy some ridiculous ring to make up for it!”

“NO ONE And I mean NO ONE should EVER compare Kobe Bryant to my dad,” the younger Jordan tweeted.

Marcus might be right. MJ won six titles. Kobe has five at age 31, and by the time he’s done could surpass Jordan and stake his claim outright to the title of greatest player of the modern era, making any comparison pretty much irrelevant.

Other than the fact that Jordan retired in his prime (one of his retirements), Jordan never had a teammate as good as Shaq, Kobe took too long to grow up and Kobe didn’t have to beat Magic, Bird, Isiah and those Knicks teams…yeah, Kobe’s totally got him. I hate when people talk themselves into current stars being something greater than older players, while completely ignoring era/team factors. Or boiling their careers into one stat (in this case, championships). Would you argue that Bill Paxson was better than Karl Malone? Or that Trent Dilfer is somehow superior to Jim Kelly or Dan Marino. (Sidenote: Kelly owns Marino. There is no debate, I will listen to nothing else on the topic, and if you’re a Pitt alum- I’m glad you learned to read, and 48-14 SUCKITSUCKITSUCKIT)

- I’ve talked to people who are annoyed by the non-stop buzzing of the vuvuzela during World Cup matches.

Where on Earth did you find those!? It’s like you know EVERYONE ON THE PLANET EXCEPT PEOPLE IN AFRICA WHO APPARENTLY CANNOT HEAR.

It doesn’t bother me, probably because I’m perfectly conditioned to the sound having watched sports on television for the past 20 years with my wife running the vaccuum cleaner in the next room.

Even Jack Parr thinks that joke is old.

- Carolina Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith has been defiant about breaking his arm while playing flag football recently.

Defiant (adj.): Boldly resisting

So he’s boldly resisting the fact that he broke his arm. Someone should probably inform him that medical issues don’t work like that.

“I’m a regular guy outside football,” Smith said on a radio show. “I mow my own grass. I could cut off my finger doing that.”

Forget the broken arm. I’m dying to know how Smith cuts his lawn.

Yes, it’s a mystery how one would cut off his finger in a process that involved motorized spinning blades at high speeds. I can’t imagine any way that a “Lawn Mowing Device” would have potentially cut off one’s finger.

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