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Saturday May 21st 2011

The Gally Blog’s 2010 NFL Predictions

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As you may know, we consider ourselves here as football junkies, alcoholics, drug addicts and sports know it alls. Well two of those things. Maybe three. All four on a Sunday perhaps. With the NFL season about to crash down our door, it’s time to put out our NFL season predictions. I say our, but really it’s just me this time as opposed to last year. What’s that? Last year? Yeah, we did this last year and were pretty good at it. Some of us anyways. Well enough of my rambling that no one will read, and on to the picks.

AFC North: Baltimore Ravens(12-4) Yay, here’s to being trendy. I’m a trendy whore… or just a whore, who knows at this point in time. They showed that they could beat their nemesis, the Steelers, last year and I don’t think that Cincy will be able to steal both wins from them this year. Yeah, the secondary is iffy and Ray Lewis is so old that his first murder was committed on Thomas Jefferson’s Plant… yeah, even I won’t go there it was actually at the raising of Stonehenge as a sacrifice to the gods. Having said that, cliche #1 coming up here, QB’s usually have their make or break year in year 3. This is Flacco’s year three. He’s got a laser rocket arm and has the genetic benefit of having a windbreaker/rain guard growing just above his eyes. Ray Rice is a m-effing beast as well. In fact look for Rice to lead the league in yards from scrimmage this year. Chris who?

AFC South: Colts(13-3) This is both the trendy pick and the homer pick coming out. But come on and face it, is anyone else in this division going to dethrone them? No. The Colts and their shanty town run defense even managed to stuff Chris Johnson, comparative to the rest of the league, last year. They also have that speed defense that is suited for stopping guys like CJ2K and Vince Young. Are we also sure that Vince won’t have a strip club function this year. I mean he did have a good offseason right? He only punched like one guy in the face and one hooker down a stairwell*. Oh yeah, this is about the Colts, right. So the Colts are having O-line issues, well as we’ve all heard numerous times before, they’ve always had them. Or is that only in the playoffs, I can’t remember. Anyways, look for the Colts to be chasing another perfect season until the late weeks of the season and Master Polian and company will pull the chute, because that’s how you win Super Bowls**. Also expect more Colts to tell Polian to go fuck himself after that happens, especially near to retire Jeff Saturday who won’t be having any of that. Uh hunh.

AFC West: Ryan Matthews(4000 facials-1 time in the butt) That seems to be the consensus pick right? Oh, well Denver’s good at football right? Not since 1998 you say? Kansas City Chiefs(10-6) How many times am I going to take the trendy pick? God, I hate this cesspool of a division. More so than it’s cousin over in the NFC. Denver has a ho-hum tapioca pudding offense, no offense Padre Tebow, and a defense that scared a junior high school womens badminton team once, but only because they ran into the change room thinking it was where the buffet was. Oakland is, sigh, up and coming. Yes it’s true. They have a talented defense, if they can keep disciplined, but the Raiders have a knack for ruining guys that should be good. That also applies to offense where Darren McFadden has fallen off the face of the earth. But they did improve from the worst QB on the planet to a perfectly average NFL grade one in Jason Campbell. Sadly they cut his backup, from Washington and Oakland, Colt Brennan. Sorry Colt, I guess it’s a no Colts league as Colt McCoy already has a roster spot. (Simpsons reference, yeaaahhhhh!!) Still, they’re not good enough to compete, this year. San Diego, is well, who the hell knows. While Rivers potentially does have a very good running back in Matthews, there’s no guarantee that he won’t have to play out of his mind floating balls into Vincent Jackson’s capable hands yet again. VJ isn’t there anymore? Ouch. Replacing your feature RB and WR in the same year is always a key for success. Plus McNeil not being there yet at LT is a kick in the glory hole. The defense? Not dominant anymore. Kansas has a great RB in Charles, I think, and a game breaker at kick return, wideout, running back in Dexter McCluster. Sure he’s only 5’8″, but that puts him at perfect height to just punch guys in the junk as he’s running around them. Cassel isn’t a superstar, but he is average and I’m not buying that Simmons et al. type’s thing where you can only win in this league with a top 3 QB. Who knows, maybe Crennel and Weis really are superstar co-ordinators and shitty coaches. It happens a lot in this league, just ask Norv Turner.

AFC East: Miami(11-5) Wildcaaaattttt!!!!! Or as Gimpy likes to call it, The Aborted Fetus offense. Hey, it works if Ronnie Brown stays healthy. Even if they don’t go all wildcat all the time, Brown and Williams are one hell of an RB tandem. Totally capable of both of them busting off 100 yard games and more than one touchdown. Henne has got that Big Ten speed going for him, which doesn’t really matter as he’s got a capable arm and appears to be smart. Not everyone can pull of a Vince Young level score on the Wonderlic after all. They’re good enough to compete in this division and against anyone. Buffalo could pull through if a Hurricane takes out all the teams on the Eastern seaboard and inland up to about Philadelphia. The Jets, oh the Jets. Everyone loves ‘em. I don’t. They could 14-2 or they could go 7-9. Anything is possible when you have a shitty QB. Yes I said above you don’t need a great QB, but you need one that’s decent. Anybody see the track record for USC QB’s in the NFL lately. Then there’s the fact that they’re not a surprise anymore. Teams know about Revis now and what not and so forth.

AFC Wild Card #1: New England(11-5) They’ll lose a tie breaker with Miami, but still get in via the Wild Card. Like I said last year, it takes two years to recover from an ACL injury for a QB and this is year two. Having said that, Randy Moss is flouting the fact that he doesn’t feel wanted by the organisation anymore. Pouty Moss is pretty much good for running over parking violation officers and that’s about it. The secondary is super young, the line backer core is solid but the depth on the D-line is questionable. Whatever, they’re good enough for 11 wins.

AFC Wild Card #2: Houston(10-6) After two years of 8-8 and a year of 9-7, this is the year that. The offense is way too potent and the defense has too many guys that you anchor a team around, Mario Williams, Brian Cushing, DeMeco Ryans. Not enough to take the Colts out, but you know.

NFC North: Green Bay(12-4) Trendy? Check. Same pick as last year? Check. A lock to happen? …. No, but it is going to happen anyways. The offense is completely loaded with skill players and while the o-line took some time to gelatinize, it improved this offseason. No really, it did. The secondary has suffered some injuries lately, but with a little luck and the offense firing on all cylinders, this team resembles the last years Saints. You heard that analysis somewhere else did you? Well, it’s true. Think about it. Minnesota is aging on both of their lines, Brett Favre is due to crumble into uh, well crumbs. Wet soggy crumbs from the tears of Viking nation. Purple Jesus can’t do it all, especially if he can’t stop fumbling. Detroit is a year or two away and Chicago is well, uh the city exists so they have that going for it.

NFC South: Falcons(11-5) Oh look, I bucked the trendy pick. Didn’t think I could do that did you? They got absolutely decimated by injuries last year. Much like your mother after that boat trip she went on with some Vikings. The offense will rebound to beyond where they were two years ago. This is also the division where no team repeats and quite often the last place team becomes the first place team. I called it last year by picking the Saints, but I’m not picking the Bucs this year. Eff that noise. Those clowns are turrible and will continue to be so for a few more years yet. The Panthers will be much improved on offense this year, but not to the point that they’ll be able to compensate for an average defense. They lost their biggest playmaker on defense in Julius Peppers, and have sucked turds in pre-season. I know pre-season isn’t an adequate gauge of a teams ability, but still. Look for them next year. In a pie eating contest.

NFC West: Does anyone really win this division or is it just that one team just doesn’t lose it as much as the rest. San Francisco(10-6) The defense is strong with the Singletary 11. As you would hope it would be actually. Vernon Davis broke out and had a freaky freaktastic freak year last year. One that is pretty much impossible to duplicate. Although you’d think it would have been impossible to pat my head and rub my belly at the same time, but I did it three times in a row. It may have been a peyote dream though. This is Alex Smith’s make or break year and will either end his career at six years or end with him signing a contract extension. See, this is the brilliant analysis that you come here for. Since St. Louis picked up Ndamukong Suh with the first pick, they have a revamped defense and…. hold on a second, I’m getting something from up top…. shit, I don’t know anything about football. They picked the gimp shouldered Sam Bradford first overall. I think we can officially write them off for the next 3-11 years. Seattle will possibly win the division after they pick Jake Locker with the first overall pick next year, but sen Hasselbeck off to the glue factory. It’s the only humane thing to do. Arizona, my, my, my. If Derek Anderson plays out of his mind awful, which is by no means a stretch, then Max Hall gets to play. So far what we know about him is that he hates the University of Utah and is far, far better than that Steve Young clown. Knowing that, we know that if he plays plays football on a plane that transcends this one, the Cardinals could be pretty darn good. Not really feeling them this year though.

NFC East: I hate this division. I really do. Any team can realistically win it and they can legitimately send three teams to the playoffs. Dallas(12-4) I just threw up in my mouth there a little bit. No seriously. I hate Dallas. Romo stepped up his game though last year, and they should be a legit contender, at least until the playoffs come around. Washington won the offseason once again, but it never seems to be enough. Donovan McNabb is an upgrade at QB, and Shanahan is an upgrade at coach. They also got old at RB as the average age at that position seems to be around 438. They’ll finish in the cellar. The other two teams are kind of a tossup right now. The Giants were fairly poor at running the ball last year and with Eli’s injury. I think they’ll improve this year, but not enough to take over the division.

NFC Wild Card #1: Saints(11-5) The Saints got lucky last year. You have to be good to be lucky, but they got lucky. Their defense wasn’t an all star unit, but they performed like one. They had an unbelievable knack of absolutely destroying the turnover margin last year. Did that make sense? It looked better in my head than on the page. I don’t see them getting so lucky this year on that front. Especially without Darren Sharper and his 9 INT’s. The offense will still be lights out, but even that failed them last year as they lost their last 3 regular season games and almost their last 5.

NFC Wild Card #2: Philadelphia Eagles(11-5) Hey, it could happen. Kevin Kolb played pretty well in his 2.5 appearances last year. If he can play more like he did against the Chiefs than he did the Saints, they could have a fantastically explosive offense anchored by Maclin, Jackson and Celek. Also, LeSean McCoy is no slouch running out of the backfield if Andy Reid ever decides to hand the ball off. They also put together a solid if not excellent defense on the field.

Awards:

MVP: God I’m going to look like a dick again here. Barring Aaron Rodgers throwing for 12,000 yards, it could happen, I think it’s going to be Peyton Manning again… Those people who claim to know more than I do point out that no player is more indispensable to his team than Manning. You kind of have to agree. While they don’t have the coaching turnover they did last year, they do bring a shaky as hell offensive line to the table. He’ll still throw for 4K yards and ~30 TD’s and will be running the teams last undeafeated team yet again. It could mirror last year where he’ll be out there making wins until the Polian-Irsay brain trust decides that a perfect season doesn’t mean nothing to them in podunkville.

NFL Offensive Player: Easy, easy choice here. Or is it? I’m calling on both Ray Rice and Aaron Rodgers to have monster seasons. Ray will lead the league in yards from scrimmage while Rodgers will lead the league in passing yards and TD’s. It really all depends on how high of numbers that Rodgers can put up, but I believe that he won’t quite put up enough to surpass Rice in league voting.

NFL Defensive Player: Damn, another pick where I just recycle last years choice. Mario Williams DE, Houston Texans. While Odom is back from his knee injury, he’s not quite going to be the same. Elvis Dumervil is missing the season. Darren Sharper is out on the PUP list. Williams regressed a little bit last year, but look for him to pick up 16 sacks this season and be a force on the defensive line. Patrick Willis is another good choice here, but I think that it’s Mario’s to lose.

NFL Offensive Rookie: Ryan Matthews? Puhlease. This award is going to Jahvid Best in Detroit. Much like Percy Harvin last year, he’s a freak who can return kicks, run the ball and catch the ball out of the backfield and from the wideout position. For those of you thinking that CJ Spiller is going to win it, I retort with HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH. He plays for Buffalo, which means that even if he were leading at some point this season he would suffer a career ending injury. Book it.

NFL Defensive Rooke: Ndamukong Suh of the Detroit Lions. Like there was or is another plausible choice. You saw what he did to Delhomme. Yeah the Cleve has a bad line, but still. The kid is an absolute freak. I also realize that this means that I have both top rookies coming from Detroit. I believe that actually happened once. You know, right back after the Hitler lead Germany won the war.

NFL Coach of the Year: Jim Caldwell…. bahahahahahaaha. Not a chance. Ever. Unless winning coach of the year requires only blinking once a game. It’s going to be Gary Kubiak of the Texans. Why not right? Leading a team to the playoffs for the first time ever has to count for something in this bitter world we’re in.

Playoffs:

AFC Championship Matchup: AFC leader Indianapolis Colts will face off against the Baltimore Ravens in the dome in Indy. Colts prevail 24-17

NFC Championship Matchup: NFC leader Green Bay will face off against the Saints out in the frosty nether regions of America, Wisconsin. The Packers will have the advantage of being used to the bitter cold, while the Saints will clearly not. The Packers have shown they can light it up in the snow and cruise to a 35-21 victory.

Super Bowl Matchup: Indianapolis Colts have the home field advantage over the Packers in Arlington Stadium. Yeah I’m an asshole douche-clown for picking the trendy Super Bowl matchup. Shut up. I don’t see your picks anywhere. Plus, I picked some guys/teams above that were definitely not trendy so get bent.

Super Bowl Champion: Indianapolis Colts 28-24

*uh, may not have actually happened

**proven to not be true

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  1. The Gally Blog's 2009 NFL Predictions
  2. Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide- Wildcard Weekend Filled with Bold Predictions
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