The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC North.
Why the Minnesota Vikings will suck this season:
Adrian Peterson, or “Purple Jesus” as he is known in some circles, claims he has fixed his fumbling problem. Yeh, and Quentin Tarantino has fixed his coke problem. (There could have also been a gambling or pedophilia crack there.) I put the over/ under on Peterson fumbles this year at 8.5, and I’m being nice. Brett Favre was coaxed into coming back to play another season for the Vikings. That’s right, three players (Steve Hutchinson, Jared Allen, and Ryan Longwell) got on a plane to Mississippi in order convince Brett Favre to come back and play another season. You mean we could have been rid of Brett Favre? Seriously? I predict the karmic justice for that dick move will be freaking biblical for those players and the Vikings this season.
Why the Green Bay Packers will suck this season:
The Packers looked good in the preseason, but remember, that doesn’t count. The offense looks to be humming so hopefully they can continue their success into the regular season. The defense on the other hand, has some holes. The team lost Aaron Kampman to the Jaguars in the offseason. All parties involved have spun the move as Kampman not fitting into the Packers’ defensive system, but he is still a talented player who is no longer on the team. The big hole in the Packers’ defense is the secondary. Both Atari Bigby and Al Harris are starting the season on physically unable to perform list. Packer’s linebacker Clay Mathews has missed time this preseason and is not 100% healthy heading into the season. Defensive lineman Johnny Jolly is suspended for the season as well. Those and the other problems not listed here lead me to believe Green Bay is going to need to score a lot of points to beat people this year. This is actually one of the teams I am least pessimistic about.
Why the Detroit Lions will suck this season:
This Lions team is now 2 seasons removed from the infamous 0-16 season, the worst in professional football history. They won two games last year. When you’re happy with two wins there is still something seriously wrong with your franchise. And don’t try to tell me 2nd year tight end Brandon Pettigrew is an offensive weapon. That’s ridiculous. Your over hyped wide receiver who gets taken too high in fantasy football drafts every year, Calvin Johnson, has a back like the last living World War I veteran. (Can you tell I’ve been burned by him in fantasy football before?) The Lions have two defensive players of note, Ndamukong Suh (a rookie) and Kyle Vanden Bosch who is only a factor when lined up next to a dominant defensive tackle like when he played next to Albert Haynesworth in Tennessee. Second year quarterback Matthew Stafford was just good enough last year in his rookie season to ensure he will have a sophomore slump. It is not looking good, Lion fan.
Why the Chicago Bears will suck this year:
Bears head coach Lovie Smith has been on the hot seat in Chicago for about 3 years. His team has failed to produce time and again. People think Obama and Rahm Emmanuel run dirty Chicago politics? The real powerhouse has got to be Lovie Smith. He must have tons of dirt on everyone in Chicago to be such a bad coach and get to stick around. Jay Cutler will likely throw a few dozen interceptions at key points throughout the season. The team has Mike Martz as the new offensive coordinator so look for there to be confusion and frustration aplenty when both he and the Bears’ offensive players realize they are not the early 2000′s Rams. The Bears’ defense has Brian Urlacher back. It’s just too bad he’s still a fairy who likes to have his toesies painted.
And yes, I realize the math is not going to add up for all of the records I am predicting for these teams. Effin stat geeks.