Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Sunday September 25th 2011

Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 9, I Suck Edition

This is your weekly NFL betting guide written by the rubiest rube of all rubes, Nonpopulist. I have been making my own NFL lines since 2005, and while I am no expert I would rate myself as an above average prognosticator/ handicapper. The Rubetastic post will be a mixture of picking against Vegas lines, insight into why I think a line was set a certain way, what my own lines are and how I came to those lines, overall NFL betting trends I notice, apologies about being completely wrong the prior week, and a disclaimer that the post is all for fun and you assume all risk when betting on the advice of some jackhole on the internet.

I suck. That’s the only way to put it. Last week was horrible for me as far as picks go. 0-3 on my pick bringing me to 14-12-3 on the year. I’m an unacceptable cock whore. That is the only explanation I can provide. Just think if people actually read this and took my advice. That would be bad. Let’s take a brief look back at how much I love cock and picking games wrong.

Seattle +2.5 @ Oakland: WRONG. Seattle had been playing good defense, but Oakland exposed the inside of Seahawks’ labia with a 33-3 beatdown. Jason Campbell played well while Matt Hasslebeck had a performance on par with a Helen Keller foot job. I can not be the only handicapper who is having a hard time adjusting to surprisingly effective Oakland Raiders, can I?

Tennessee +3,5 @ San Diego: WRONG. Tennessee crapped the bed during a game they should have won handily. Confounding.

Pittsburgh +1 @ New Orleans: WRONG. Pittsburgh’s strong defense disappeared, and the Saints offense was surprisingly competent. This game made me sick to watch.
Now to cleanse the pain with a cheerleader from week 8.

I’m going to get directly to the picks this week since this is going to go up way later than usual since, as I mentioned before, I’m an unacceptable cock whore. My picks in bold.

San Diego -3 @ Houston: San Diego got their first win in a while last week by upsetting Tennessee, but now they have to go on the road to a Houston team looking to get right after a disappointing loss to the Colts on Monday night. Antonio Gates is hurt, but probably going to play again this week. The Chargers have a recent history of starting slow and coming on stronger in the middle of the season. The Texans are suspect.

Indianapolis +3 @ Philadelphia: Yes, I know Andy Reid and the Eagles usually win off of the bye week. How many in a row is it, like 5 or 6? I don’t care. Manning showed a lot on Monday night against Houston. It’s going to be hard to doubt Manning even on the road with a banged up receiving corp and banged up defense for the Colts. The offensive line is the key for Manning and they are getting it done.

Kansas City @ Oakland -1: Oakland is for real. I have adjusted my thinking on Oakland. They are an actual NFL football team and Kansas City has been exposed a little bit lately. If the Raiders key on stopping the running game of the Chiefs they will win today by more than one point.

Upset special:New England @ Cleveland +4: Straight up gut call. Patriots have been playing games close. The Browns upset the Saints earlier this season. A lot of people say the players are rallying around Manginiand playing hard for the coach. Only bet this if you havea whole lot of gamble in you.

Sexy Disclaimer: This post is intended for entertainment purposes only. You assume all of your own risk when placing a bet either legal or illegal. Neither The Gally Blog nor the author assume any risk for any bets placed on advice or content contained in this post or on this blog.

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Related posts:

  1. Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 8, What Underdogs?
  2. Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 15, At Least We Have Cheerleaders
  3. Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 12, Huge Heterosexuals Edition

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