Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Thursday September 15th 2011

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Bucs Game

Just wait. I’m saving the big fucking guns for next week’s holiday blowout massacre extravaganza. Seriously, unless the Skins fuck it up by winning, it’s going to be epic. Anyway, what can one really say about that shit-show? Kinda the most perfect way ever for this team to lose. And who misses a 30 and 24 yard FG? I mean, those should be mandatorially celebrated with a dismissive wank gesture. Which brings me to my real point. Tampa couldn’t stop Ryan Torain in the first half, so the only reason the Skins are kicking FGs is because Mike and Kyle Shanahan inexplicably decide to call pass plays. Blame special teams all you want, but it takes a lot of ineptitude on all sides (don’t forget the choking-ass defense) to lose a football game. Now, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.

Hey! You’re not our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent! Go drizzle some Cockbizzle! Like I was saying, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent!

EIGHT glasses of Cockburn! A HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What would be more perfect for a snowy-ass day than a cup of Hot Cocoa-Burn? The answer: Almost anything! Thanks to my uncle for the suggestion. Actually, it didn’t start off that bad … until you realize that when pitted against water-based Swiss Miss, the Cockburn sinks to the bottom! (Yes, I damn near failed Physics in HS). So the actual drinking process goes a bit like this: “Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, AUUUUGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE COCKBURN!!!!!!!” But trust me, this is nothing compared to what I’ll be serving up this Sunday for the holidays. After the Skins lose to Dallas. My least favorite team. Anyway, time for our Official Cockburn Drinking Song!

I will say I know I have entered a true brotherhood here when I found out that both Gally and Nonpopulist were considering buying Cockburn. Admittedly, they don’t hate port (and all sweet wines) the way I do, so they’re doing it for pleasure. But the solidarity is much appreciated.

Also, I’m really really really sheepishly admitting this, but in an attempt to spread the gospel of Cockburn, catch up with some old pals from a site that just sold my confidential contact info for coke money and The Phoenix Pub, and to stalk engage with Kristen Bell and Alison Brie, I sadly started a Twitter account. For now. Shit’s already pissing me off and it’s been like a week. Anyway, it’s @Old_King_Clancy. I still maintain that “twitter” is the most effeminate word in the English language, so I should go out and overcompensate by baking a cheesecake. I mean fixing a car.

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Related posts:

  1. I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game
  2. I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game
  3. I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the 1st Quarter of the Skins-Eagles Game

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