Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday July 19th 2011

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game

The video is right here. Even though one can’t embed video from Captain Zuckerberg’s Overly Precious Pyramid Scheme (thanks, dickbag; I don’t actually use your service), it’s worth your time.

Oh wait! That’s what I did Saturday afternoon. (Once again, support your local no-kill shelter). Sunday afternoon looked a little more like this:

Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw each run for 100 yards every time the Skins play the Giants and every year I say that one of the major reasons the Skins suck is because they don’t commit to the offensive line like the Giants do and if they had the Giants’ line, people wouldn’t bitch about the running backs. However, the Giants were missing 2 or 3 starting linemen and the same thing happened, which means A) the Giants are so much further committed to their line that their backups kick ass, B) the Skins’ D-Line, linebackers, and safeties are all just that bad, or C) both. I vote C. Seriously, first contact was after 10 yards. Any of us could have gone for 100 last Sunday. Much like any of us can cook better than Stephen Asperinio, which makes me seriously wonder how bad Top Chef’s Season 1 contestants were if he shows up as the S1 representative in any episode with past competitors. Anyway, the game was a hilarious bitch-slapping and I would have been better served by working the back half of the Adopt-a-Thon. Anyway, on to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent!

SEVEN glasses of Cockburn! A HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE COCKBURN SO MUCH!!!!!!!! This is what’s known in the business as “The Slow Burn.” Rimshot me, bitch! Sadly, I don’t own a snifter. That would have really sold it. By the way, yes, that is a menorah. And no, despite my Sanderian appearance, I’m not actually Jewish. However, my grandparents and much of my more distant extended family are, as are some of my best friends, and it’s a cool tradition, so I’m lighting the menorah in solidarity. I even known the prayers in Hebrew thanks to my mom, who converted from Judaism. And believe it or not, Cockburn tastes A LOT like Manischewicz. Put on your yarmulke; it’s time for Cockburn, whores! I suppose it’s time for our Official Cockburn Drinking song. And finally some easy-embedding video:

This Sunday the Skins get a heavily-injured Tampa team that’s still a hell of a lot better than they are. Then again, who isn’t? Skins-Carolina would be a ESPN Instant Cockburn Classic. And considering that I really can’t top drinking Cockburn out of my pants, I may have to come up with some intensely creative mixers for Cockburn. My stomach cringes. Much like it does watching Stephen Asperinio. And that, my friends, is called a callback.

 


"When McNabb drops back, I close my eyes."


 



"I just watched Kareem Moore try to tackle."





"I can light up the Skins' D. Give me the damn ball!"





"NO! NOT COCKBURN AGAIN!!!!! Also, FUCK YOU, SNYDER!!!!!"



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Related posts:

  1. I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game
  2. I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Bucs Game
  3. I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Jaguars Game

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