… Dan Snyder, I want to kill you. Kristen Bell, I want to …
It’s over. Now I have to go back to actually writing instead of paint-by-numbers. I believe there was a football game in there somewhere. One that involved 4 Skins turnovers and a missed 30-yard field goal. But now we’re in the offseason and my digestive system can rest easy.
Did you know that the Redskins team headquarters and facilities are in Ashburn, Virginia. I officially motion that they change the cozy hamlet’s name to Cockburn, Virginia. Speaking of Cockburn, since none of you have ever experienced what it’s like to have to drink Cockburn after your team loses (yet — man up, suckers!), there’s no way of escaping. You receive an official message from CBHQ that it’s time to drink it. In circles of the know, it’s called a CockBurn Notice. Also, in Cockburn-eligible games that one is unable to watch, you may communicate with fellow members of the Order of the Burn by way of CB Radio. Just thought you might want to know. Anyway, let’s head down to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.
It appears I may have taken self-loathing mixology to a whole new level. I mixed Cockburn with the infamous potion known as Jeppson’s Malort. Seriously, GOOGLE THAT SHIT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW! Or go see where I discussed it at The Phoenix Pub. Anyway, Malort tastes like bug spray, grass, and dirt. Combine that with Cockburn, which tastes like Manischewitz, and well, slamming a entire mug of coffee as a chaser still couldn’t kill the demons. That’s dedication to your craft. Take your aggro or emo shit and stick it up your ass! Now, for the final time this season, let’s all join in a rousing chorus of our Official Cockburn Drinking Song!
I thank you profusely for your support and willingness to take this spiritual journey with me this season. Always remember this. There are things known and things unknown. And in between, there is the Cockburn.