Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday February 7th 2012

The Sandlot: Logical?

Looks like Rocky Dennis put on some weight?

The Sandlot is a movie that has garnished much attention from the people I actually talk to on twitter. Though that is a very small circle…some may even say it’s smaller than that fat ginger’s freckles on the tip of his snout…I feel this topic is necessary to post about because of the larger picture. A MUCH larger picture. A picture so large that some would say, “Hey, that’s a pretty large picture.”

The fact is, that the Danger Guerrero we all know and love is hiding something. He’s hiding something within this movie and more specifically, this “genius” scene break down that the rest of you morons were missing…follow me after the jump if you’re curious.

Let’s just call this piece: “An in-depth breakdown of the person who brokedown The Challenge scene from The Sandlot.” Now I don’t know how to do fancy slide shows, but I do know how to step inside the mind of a serial killer. Moving on…and this isn’t from the scene break down but immediately after I said I discovered something in The Sandlot, Danger Guerrero got nervous and he took to twitter to do a little recon-work. Like I wasn’t going to dig deeper. C’mon, son! I always dig deep! Ask any 16 and a half year old in the tri-state area!

So, we all know Danger Guerrero is very, very vain, right? Now, he said he has seen this movie 30 times. Well, at least 30 times. Something just isn’t right about that either, is it? I’ll be honest and I’ve seen this movie a bunch of times, but 30? I was born in 1986, 7 years before this movie was made. I think I would be the front runner for who has seen “The Sandlot” the most amount of times in their entire adult life, but no. Some dude on the internet has claimed to have seen it 30 times. Hm. I’ll take your word for it sir, because I believe it to be true. If not more!

On that very same page, he makes a crack at The Sandlot being old…It’s not. The movie is 18 years old but it warranted this comment from our boy DG: “Before we get started, for any of you who want to die a little in your soul, there’s this: seeing as it was released in 1993, if it were a person, The Sandlot would now be old enough to buy cigarettes. Guh. Let’s go.”

First of all, he says this joke as if he was mad that the film was old. Like it makes him feel old. Like a mother would gasp at her child hitting puberty. And secondly, I don’t want to bash my friend but that’s what we call “cold joke” in the comedy business. A cold joke is where you are warming up the audience by throwing little jokes at them just to get them to chuckle, or warm up. As in, you would throw a cold joke at a cold audience. Riddle me this, intelligent reader. Why would a vain internet writer waste his time with “cold jokes?” Especially when their identity is not revealed thus having zero repercussions on their true person for typing words? Well, I’ll tell you. Because he’s show business savvy. That’s why. That’s what that joke proves. Plain and simple. He has probably taken an improv. class or two in his life. Who knows, maybe even a developmental comedy class. I see them all the time, they’re cheap. It would be some good material for your résumé, wouldn’t it?

And lastly, why this scene? Why “The Challenge?” In my opinion, it’s one of the weaker scenes in the movie. I’d much rather write about Squints kissing Wendy Peffercorn or “The Chase” with Hercules and Benny the Jet. C’mon! It was set to “Wipe Out” for Christ’s sake! Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret. Danger Guerrero chose that scene from The Sandlot because he was in it. Yes sir. Danger Guerrero was a one hit wonder and was in The Sandlot. He’s watched it so many times because he knows he’s peaked with his presence in such a great film. He’s trying to reinvent himself on the internet using a fake alias and doesn’t want to be known as that guy from The Sandlot (like Squints gets). He is show-biz savvy and even the age coincides (sort of). The whole “law school” thing was a farce. He’s thrown out so many decoys that you can’t believe what he says. You need to take it from me, I’m a *trained detective.

*un

Anyway, let’s get to my conclusion. Danger Guerrero is Wil Horneff also known as “Phillips” from The Sandlot. Think about it. “Danger” is because of all of Wil’s hobbies that include rock climbing, flying and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and “Guerrero” an obvious play on his jealousy of losing the leading role to the hispanic Mike Vitar (Benny the Jet). Or is it just because he travels to Spain once a year for the running of the bulls? Full of danger and Guerreros! Born in Jersey, raised a Philly fan. I don’t know DG, you tell me?

You sly boots, DG.

This is why he thinks Phillips stole the show of The Challenge! IT WAS HIM! He let his hate marinate for Ham Porter whom everyone called a hero for delivering the classic line: “YOU PLAY BALL LIKE A GIRL!” like the H-Bomb that it was at that time. He was jealous of Ham for getting all the attention. But “You bob for apples in the toilet… and you like it!” was so clever and witty. Yeah right, Danger. We get it. You can improv, it wasn’t THAT great.

DG or Horneff was mad because he had to wear a jacket on that hot day of filming while Vitar got to film in the nice, cool swimming pool. That’s why he stabbed that writer’s dog!

“Serious discussion point: Almost half of the insults Porter throws out would double as good titles for disturbing foreign porn films. Especially “Pee-Drinking Crapface.” Get on it, Germans.” That’s weird, DG…Wil Horneff likes to spend A LOT of time in Europe. Specifically Germany, where he is fluent? Hm. Could you make this any easier?

The only thing I don’t get is the love for Squints. I can’t seem to find the connection other than Brandon Moskal interference who has Squints as his Twitter avatar for a long time and convinced DG to be nice to at least this protagonist after 18 years of hatred and jealous of the Wendy Peffercorn scene. Tell me the drawing of DG and the picture of Wil Horneff aren’t identical? You can feel the jealousy, rage and shame.

It’s either Moskal interference or the fact that Chauncey Leopardi is the only one to keep his role from the first movie in the direct-to-DVD sequel “The Sandlot: Heading Home.” Maybe Horneff would like to get the gang back together and play the bad guy again? Make a few bucks?

So to be honest with you, everything in his post was highly critical or able to be criticized EXCEPT f for the talk about the Phillips character…

And you can tell that all of this is true through the comedic style tweeting of THEDangerGuerrero. You can tell he misses someone but still bitter that he’s passed his prime or mad about the success of his remaining pals. Except ALL of his other friends from his old Sandlot bike gang died in a horrible gay HIV accident except for one guy…

 

 

Why else would he mention this guy!?

That’s because this kid grew up to be, none other than, ELI MANNING.

BOOM!

I HAVE EXERCISED THE DEMONS! THIS ROOM IS CLEAR! *humps* YES! YES! YES!

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4 Comments for “The Sandlot: Logical?”

  • Danger Guerrero says:

    This is kind of the best thing ever.

  • me says:

    I have to say, I have no clue who you people are or what your trying to do with the internets, but I find it mildly amusing and working an opposite schedule, it helps kill time.

    Oh yeah, I have to point it out, but weren’t you born 7 years “before” the movie?

  • Max Power says:

    I like how Logic has to specify “16 and a half year olds”…like that half-year makes a difference for him or something.

  • Logic says:

    You’re right. Sorry. Corrected.


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