The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of yesterday’s sporting events. Except lately it hasn’t been daily. It’s only happened on my days. Which means it’s been Monday/Wednesday-y. So anyway. Recaps t’is!
Good morning, kiddies! It’s that time of the week again. Except I’m a little late today, so it’s a good thing there’s a pill for that. Shall we?
Amerikanische Fußball:The Vikings destroyed Seattle. Destroyed = 35 teh’ 9. D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-E-D. So much so that they didn’t even need Favre after the 3rd quarter. Even T-Jack threw a touchdown. What do Percy Harvin, Visanthe Shiancoe, Bernard Berrian, Sidney Rice (x2) all have in common? Other than being black, or playing for the Vikings at Mall of America Field vs. the pitiful Seattle Seahawks? Give up? They all scored touchdowns yesterday. Noticeably absent from that list? Adrian Peterson. Regardless, AP still surpassed 1,000 rushing yards yesterday, going three seasons strong. And for all you Favrehards, it should be noted that he was at 88% yesterday – which I have to admit is quite stellar. Fine. I said it. Seattle should probably stick to what it does best: acoustic guitar sets and Starbucks. But the biggest news to come out of yesterday’s games, is the defeat of Pittsburgh by…wait for it…KANSAS CITY! Kansas City? Yup. I didn’t get to see any of this game, because I was busy being at an awesome one (the Vikings), but my analysis of the Box Score tells me the following: In Total Plays, Total Yards, and Possession, the Steel’ were twice as good as KC. However, they had twice as many penalties and 2 INTs to KC’s aught. It also doesn’t help that The Rapistberger got his dome rocked and they had to put John Legend in to replace him. So really, it’s all that guy’s fault and everyone should go egg his house.
NBA: So my Celts eked one out past the Knicks last night. What? The Knicks are the opposite of good. And it went into OT! The Celts were forced to rely on Paul Pierce the entire game, who scored a season-high 33 points. For some reason (probably because they miss me so much), everyone else was having an off night. KG was only 4 for 15 of FGs made/attempted, and Ray Allen was only 3 for 13; though Allen also put up 1 3-pointer (of 6 attempted, and 6 of 6 free throws. Pierce was 9 for 17 in FGs, 6 for 7 in 3 pointers, and 9 for 10 in FTs. Sheed, on the other hand, did absolutely nothing. Except probably scare the piss out of people and pick imaginary bugs off himself. I’m pretty sure he was only brought on for intimidation factor. I’m going to start putting together my dream team, and it will most definitely include Ron Artest and Sheed. Anyway, through some great strategizing by Pierce in OT, he was able to draw all the attention to himself and quickly lob the ball over to a wide-open KG who is so clutch he made the game winning shot. See, kiddies? Even if you’re having a tough day, just keep at it and you will succeed. If you can dream it, you can be it! There were a bunch of other games yesterday (Orlando v. Toronto, Indiana v. Charlotte, New Orleans v. Miami, Detroit v. Phoenix, and OK City v. Lakers), but they were all lopsided which = BO-RING. It also means I don’t feel like recapping them right now, because I didn’t start working on this til this morning.
Fußball: I know nothing about Soccer other than David Beckham looks like this:
But I did also learn that the LA Galaxy fell to Real Salt Lake in the MLS Cup. I also learned that it’s all Landon Donovan’s fault, because he’s a chump. Donovan (who would be a lot cooler if he was thisDonovan), completely blew a penalty kick. Then Real from Mormon Country got totally pumped up and some guy named Robbie Russell (cool alliteration!) got the game-winning penalty shot, of which Donovan was probably the offender. Because I said so. If you’d like to read some more in-depth discussion from the world of the ball with all the little pentagons all over it, Avoiding the Drop can satiate your every desire. A big HOLLA! goes out to @2Yellows over on twit. :)
Happy Monday – if you’re on the East Coast your day is almost halfway over! If you’re on the Dub-Cee, well…get your coffee brewing.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…yeah, it’s basically because I don’t care.
Good morning, kiddies! I only had time to cover 3 topics today, but these 3 topics are so near and dear. Sometimes just thinking about it I get a little misty, and a wave of longing and nostalgia comes over me…
NCAA Basketball: Fortunately I work all day so I didn’t have a chance to get sick of college basketball already like lots of other people did. I popped on Arkansas vs. Louisville for a while…That court is heinous. Between the giant Reese’s logos and the giant basketballs everywhere, I don’t know how people didn’t get dizzy and fall down more. Maybe it’s because they don’t need a helmet and water wings to navigate through everyday life like I do. Apparently Donny Osmond took time out of his busy Dancing With the Stars schedule to shoot free throws for Arkan…wait a minute…how was he in two places at once?! DWTS was on at the same time!
Those Mormons are slippery little suckers, aren’t they? Anyway, Louisville walloped Arkansas with lots of 3 pointers n’ stuff, ending the suffering at 96-66. Then it was onto Kansas vs. Memphis. My Jayhawks look GLOOOOOOOOORIOUS! Okay not really, but I love them so SHUSH. Dan Shulman quoted Bill Self as saying,
[he] is not quite ready to anoint his team as the best team in the country – very few coaches are at this point in the year…He thinks they need to be a lot better in March than they are now, if they’re going to contend for a national championship.”
Due to a rough-looking defense, Kansas eked out a win over Memphis at 57-55. As for ESPN’s dumb headline for the day we have: “No. 2 Spartans Escape Gonzaga’s Upset Bid.”
While I understand that being beat by an unranked team is an upset, isn’t it a little freaking early in the season to be so dramatic? They only have like…865 games left. Save it for March, will ya?
DWTS: So our remaining contestants are Mya, Kelly Osborne, Donny Osmond, and Joanna Krupa. The judges decided they wanted to see Mya & Dmitry do their salsa again, because the old perv in the pink tie really loves Mya’s juicy brown booty (or “tutti fruitti – what a booty”). It’s pretty tough to argue with the old coot, she’s got ass for days. They did some serious salsaing to “La Isla Bonita”. I’m pretty sure if Madonna tried to dance like this, one of her mummy limbs would break off in a cloud of dust and dung beetles. Joanna Krupa and her creepy Mardi Gras mask for a face got voted off. Boohoo.
NFL: In perhaps some of the biggest, yet least surprising NFL news, the Buffalo Bills kicked Dick Jauron to the curb. His season start is at 3-6, which isn’t even the worst record. So he’s kind of getting the poopy end of the stick. Bills owner Ralph Wilson had this to say,
I am announcing today that I am relieving Dick Jauron from his duties as our head coach, effective immediately. I have tremendous respect for Dick and thank him for all of his efforts during these past four years. While this was a very difficult decision, I felt that it is one that needed to be made at this time for the best interest of our team. We will now focus on moving forward and preparing for our game this week in Jacksonville.
Call me crazy, but upsetting the team in the middle of a season maybe isn’t quite the best way to move forward. Not to mention that they’re preparing for a game against a better Jacksonville (5-4). This probably could’ve been done at the end of the season. I mean…teams with worse records are: Cleveland (1-8), Oakland (2-7), Tennessee (3-6) – that’s just in their conference. So really it’s kind of like Buffalo is tied for 3rd worst in their conference. Of the 16 teams in the AFC, that makes them 13th best, and 13 just so happens to be my lucky number. So see, Bills fans? It’s not that bad. Buck up, buttercups!
I must get going on my work day now, because I only got in a half hour ago. I hope you all have a great day, though! xoxo
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. But mostly because I only care about things I like, and everything else may as well not exist. Or perish in a glorious gas explosion in a tool shed. Or something.
It’s Monday morning, and I’ve got a bunch of crap I need to get done at work. Let’s get this show on the road, okay?
NFL: Obviously I’m going to start this off with the Vikings. So they won 27-10, but the game sucked & was anti-climactic. I’d venture to say that about half the crowd left during the 4th. The officiating was HORRRRRRIIIIBBBBBLLLLE and the crowd was pissed. But even with the refs seemingly in their favor, Detroit still sucked it up huge. After putting up 18 carries for 133 yards, Adrian Peterson became the 4th fastest RB in NFL history to reach 4,000 rushing yards, he had this to say:
I actually didn’t think about it until I got back up to the locker room. A couple guys were saying something about it but it’s a great accomplishment. I owe it all to the offensive line and the receivers because those guys are really the ones that make it happen. Source
However, Sidney Rice was the real star of the game with 7 truly acrobatic receptions for 201 yards. While he didn’t find the endzone this week, he showed what an integral part of the Minnesota offense he really is. There were a bunch of other games that no one is talking about, because the Pats-Colts battle trumps them all. I decided not to watch it, because I was being pissy about my Fantasy loss, but I heard allllllllllllllll about it. The Colts started the 4th with a 17-point deficit, but due to a blown 4th down play by the Pats, the Colts were given one last shot at victory. They now sit at 9-0 for the season, and all of Boston is on suicide watch.
Andrew Bynum contributed some very perceptive insight as to why he thinks they lost to the Houston Rockets:
Defensively, we need to step it up. That’s what we’re lacking right now. We got guards trying to box out bigs. Bigs trying to box out guards. We’re all over the place right now. Source
Ummm…yes? I don’t know. At least he’s not trying to blame his sore manitalia. In other news, the Timberwolves sit at 1-10. As in, they’re on a 10-loss streak. However, they aren’t alone in Suckville, because the New Jersey Nets are sitting at 0-10. I think it would be-HOVE Jay-Z to jump ship & buy into a better team. (har har har).
NCAA Football: El Si over at Football on the Fringe has recapped last night’s gameage for the non-BCS teams. Y’all should check it out, because he definitely knows what’s up. I definitely don’t, because I was watching Ronin, re-runs of Arrested Development, and Pulp Fiction.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Mostly lack of caring, though. And ADD.
In keeping up with our tradition of bad writing journalistic integrity over here at The Gally Blog, today I am bringing you my very special edition of the Pill. Without further ado… Futbol
Robert Enke, Hannover & German Goalkeeper, died of apparent suicide at age 29 by throwing himself under a train. He suffered personal problems after the death of his daughter 3 years ago. I personally think it’s a conspiracy. If Boston has taught us anything, it’s that trains stop for people on train tracks. Just ask this lady…Arsenal Striker Nicklas Bendtner out for up to a month after getting groin surgery. Translation: penile implant. Ladies?!…
Oh herro, Nicklas...you love me long time??
Bill Bellamy will now be playing with the Man City Squad. See, kiddies? Dreams really do come true…Calum Davenport appears in court for beating up his sister, and getting himself stabbed in the legs. Aren’t you supposed to beat up your siblings? Whatever….Brighton & Hove Albion got a new manager (Since when did Jay-Z buy into a soccer team??): Gus Puyot – a professional poker player that they appointed to manage Brighton. I smell a Pete Rose…and finally, Separated at Birth: Peterborough Striker Aaron McLean & R. Kelly.
Separated at Birth: Aaron McLean vs. R. Kelly
Except when McLean reaches out to the youth, he probably isn’t peeing on them. I hope.
Dancing With the Stars
Michael Buble performed. This is awesome because he was in one of the greatest movies of all time, Duets. That slutty chick Karina Smirnoff, and some guy that looked like one of Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers danced to his vocal stylings. Which were clearly prerecorded. This was obvious when he held the mic 3 feet away (literally) and his volume never changed. Either that or he has some serious abs, and should probably be dragging a semi trailor or tossing tree stumps somewhere. Whoever that host is, he has abnormally short arms, no neck, and a rather large head. I wonder how that’s working out for him? Aaron Carter is looking a little worse for the wear…must be all those late nights with his girlfriend Crystal rockin’ his world (possibly what lead to him being sent home tonight??). Donny Osmond is complaining about how hard the workout is. You’d think he’d be used to it being Mormon, and all the schtupping he does to get 85 kids. Kelly Osborne is adorable. And holy christ Susan Boyle’s freaky ass is on the show tonight. I wish people would stop trying to convince me that she’s a good singer. Seriously. P.S. whoever this blonde dancer chick is, she does not have proper form. I just watched Step Up 2: The Streets and Blake Collins told me that there should be no curve from the knee to the toe. Tisk-tisk, over-processed-fake-blonde. P.P.S. What makes this legit is that they have Jerry Rice hosting a segment called DanceCenter, wearing some kind of weird wide-collared Saturday Night Fever shirt with a vest. Anyway, they pick Mya to win, which is perfect cuz she is FOINE.
Her love is like...Wo.
Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? – Celebrity Edition!
Woohoo the resurgence of Drew Lachey!!! Remember him? 98 Degrees? He picked the black kid to help him first, because he’s trying to show how not racist he is. Keep in mind he’s from Ohio – the land of Buckeyes and Bigotry. When I lived in Columbus, I still had Minnesota plates on my car. I came out one day and someone had written “YANKI” in the frost on my windshield. Yes, “YANKI”. How ironic. Drew-boo got the question “What do the letters ‘VHF’ stand for?” Remember the movie UHF with Weird Al Yankovic? AWWEEESSSSSOOOOMMMMMMMEEEEEE! They both got the question wrong, but I bet he totally blamed the kid.
Obsession Revealed: Acorns
I ran across this gem on the OUTDOOR channel – “How to find where the acorns are dropping to increase the chances of bringing in a monster deer.” This show consists of a guy in a deer stand doing some seriously creepy stalker whispering. One time, when I was up north around Longville, Minnesota, my friend and I decided to take his Jeep Grand Cherokee off-roading. We came upon a huge mud pit and chickened out, and decided to walk around instead. I got the bright idea to climb up in a deerstand, and came down covered in ticks (Yes, “covered”. There were 7!). If anyone knows anything about me, it’s that I can’t handle bugs, let alone bugs on my person. I freaked out and jumped around and whimpered a whole bunch, and he laughed at me. Good times. Know what a much more viable option is? Big Buck Hunter at the bar.
Happy Hump Day, y’all. But remember: save the humping for when you get home. As I’ve learned, the boss doesn’t appreciate it when you mess up their desk.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Mostly lack of caring, though. And my tendency to be bitter about things that don’t go my way.
NFL: The Vikings were on bye this weekend, so I know everyone was super bored and not really interested in any of the games that were on. That is, unless you have Greg Olsen on your fantasy team. I do not, but my opponent this week does. Do you know what that means? It means Greg Olsen has singled-handedly almost ruined my life this week. Do you know why? Because Greg Olsen, the TE from Chicago, scored all 3 of Chicago’s touchdowns yesterday with a total of 5 receptions for 71 yards. Fortunately, they still got stomped by the Cards. Which, by the way, how the hell did that happen? Kurt Warner did a total 180 in a week. He threw for 5 TOUCHDOWNS. FIVE. Two of which were to my boy Fitz (What-What!). Whodathunkit? Anyway, in another miraculous win we had Tampa Bay – rockin’ those sweet unis.
The hotness.
Seriously, those things are dope. Much better than the heinous ones Denver’s been donning. In the Battle of the Bays, Tampa put up 38 to Green’s 28. Green Bay should be embarrassed. Rodgers got sacked 6 times and threw 3 interceptions, one of which was returned for a TD. Say “good bye” to the post season, Green Bay!!! So, Sunday Night Football happened. Which also means Bob Costas happened. Are you kidding me? The guy must’ve attended an asshole convention last week, cuz he would not quit with the dickish questions. That’s right, viewers want to watch/listen to you harp on Romo’s “jaunty cap” for 45 minutes, Bob. Shut up with your mountain lion-looking self, seriously. Whatever. Philly lost to Romo’s “devil-may-care” chapeau, 20-16. The game wasn’t really that great. If you read that article I linked to, they spend a good portion of it talking about last season. Most likely because there was nothing but loads of idiot coming from the Philadelphia sideline as Andy Reid’s Childress Face was showing. #1: Good job on that ridiculous challenge, buddy. You screwed your team out of time outs for the entire 4th quarter. #2: The score is 20-13, and because you’re clearly a math major, you settle for a field goal. Remember a few minutes before that when you wasted a challenge, thus depleting your team’s TOs? Yeah, see you completely set yourself up for the failure you deserved. That is all.
NBA: There were some basketball games yesterday. I kind of feel bad for the NBA on Sundays, because until February, no one cares. There was only one game that appeared to be even remotely competitive: Philadelphia 76ers vs. Detroit Pistons. Guess what? Philly lost. Geez, just a bunch of losers over there in Philly! This season marks the return of Ben Wallace to the Pistons as the big brother mentor-type to Kwame Brown, Jason Maxiell and Chris Wilcox. Apparently he was showing them how it’s done, because he was the team leader in 3 of 5 categories: Rebounds (16), Steals (3), and Blocks (3). He put up 2 points…yay? Boohoo, there’s no one on the 6ers that I care about so I’m not going to talk about it. The Wolves lost again, and their record now sits at 1-6. The ESPN recap (here) cites Blazers Coach Nate McMillan’s fantastical experiment to start 3 guards as ahem blazing the trail to victory. False. The Wolves are terrible. Their record says so. I really, really, really want them to be good. So, boys, I’m pleading with you: STEP IT THE F UP! Good lord.
Soccer (as we yanks call it): The only thing I’m even mildly interested in is that David Beckham has pulled out (heh heh) of the England squad for its match vs. Brasil on Saturday. Apparently, he helped lead the LA Galaxy to a semi-final win over Chivas USA, and they are now headed to the finals against Houston Dynamo on Friday. Beckham is a bit of a soccer slut, as he’s played for Manchester United and Real Madrid, as well as on loan to Milano and Preston North End. But, I mean…he looks like this:
yummers.
So he can be slutty with me if he wants. I wouldn’t mind, I guess. Also, yay America!! Viva Los Angeles!
I hope you all have a great Monday! If there’s anything I can do to make it special, just let me know. For instance, if you’d like a mustache ride from Gally; or if you need to take your frustrations out on someone, gimp knows how to take a beating. Or! If you’d simply like to tickle each other and talk about boys, I’m game for that.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. But mostly because I only care about things I like, and everything else may as well not exist. Or perish in a glorious gas explosion in a tool shed. Or something.
Good morning, kiddos! We’re going to try something new over here at The Gally Blog. We’ve divvied up the Morning After Pill, because we’re too poor to get our own. So that means! You’ll be gettin’ it from me on Mondays & Wednesdays. Barring any complications or laziness. Could be more, could be less, but that’s the plan! Shall we?
NBA: Looks like the Timberwolves have wasted no time in disappointing fans this season. They’re last in the NW Division. The Nuggs are first. Know why? BECAUSE THEY’RE UNDEFEATED. The Timberwolves were undefeated for a couple days: the day of the first game, and however many days were in between their next game THAT THEY LOST. Good job ‘Wolves. Actually, they’ll be competitive in like two years, because the whole team is basically newbs. Anyway. My Celts won AGAIN, and remain undefeated. Know why? ‘Cuz they’re awesome. Apparently Phoenix is the only other undefeated team, but I kind of forgot Phoenix even had a team. Are people really Phoenix fans? Whatever. GO KG! GO CELTS! That is all.
Awww...I love us!!
NFL: I found this to be pretty comical – ESPN posted an article yesterday titled Owner Dan Snyder: 2-5 Washington Redskins have ‘let everyone down’. I mean…raise your hand if you’re surprised they’re sitting at 2-5 right now. Okay, now put your hand down if you raised it because you were surprised it wasn’t 1-6 or 0-7. If you thought the outcome was going to be better than this, I reckon you’re unable to tie your shoes on your own, or make your own bed, and you likely have a big drool stain down the front of your shirt. Jus’ sayin’.
MLB:Blah blah blah…GO PHILS!!
DWTS: If you watched Dancing With the Stars last night, you saw that Aaron Carter and his POA partner got to stay. Good for Aaron Carter. It was nice to see him doing something that didn’t involve his girlfriend Crystal and a major suckfest on the mic. Then some other fools came out and did some Milli Vanilli crap, but could never live up to the greatness that is this:
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Or because gimp will start having flashbacks of some of his bad trips and end up convulsing on the floor in fetal position.
It’s me again! What better way to kick off your morning, than a healthy dose of severe personality problems? Let’s get this rollin’…
NBA: So two things that were awesome happened yesterday for the season tip-off. #1 being (of course) my Celts rollin’ over the dynamic LBJ-Shaq Attack duo in the most talked about opener. I call them my Celts, because I love KG with all of my heart. If he needed a kidney, and I was sober for like.. at least a day…I would totally give it to him. I would also consider being his vessel for bringing the next great KG into the world. I don’t care if that’s creepy. Shut up. Anyway, he made a great comeback after being forced to sit the last 25 games of the previous season with a knee injury. He put up the double-double with 13 points & 10 rebounds. Oh! and! Paul Pierce was the Celts’ leading scorer with 23 points, and 11 rebounds for the double-double. Obviously LBJ was the Cavs’ leading scorer with 38 points. Do I care? NOPE. They got KTFO! Okay. So #2 comes in the form of the greatest headline ever: Lakers Launch Title Defense With Win Over Clippers. Maybe I’m just stating the obvious here, but shouldn’t we expect the Lakers to beat the Clippers? How depressing is that for the Clippers as a non-home-opener-kind-of-home-opener? I mean…they’re still at their arena, except 97% of the people in attendance are there to see the Lakers. I’m pretty sure even when the Lakers aren’t playing there, 97% of the people in attendance are still there to see the Lakers. It’s kind of like being the “grenade” of a pair of girl friends.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the goings on in the sporting world. Certain teams and sports are left out due to either lack of caring or an extreme hangover. Maybe a weak hangover also, we’re kind of soft like that.
Lucky for you, you get my version of the MAP again! I know you couldn’t wait. But I’m at work, so let’s get this show on the road, shall we?
NFL: The Giants got destroyed by the Saints. Who saw that one coming?! I know Logic didn’t. Neither did I, or I would’ve started Reggie Bush in my fantasy league. The Titans…I mean, is someone going to contract them? Can teams get contracted in the NFL like they can the MLB? 59-0 is super embarrassing. They should probably just forfeit the season and hope for better luck/coaching/players/management/a new rabbit’s foot next year. The Cards did a pretty good job against a skeletal Seattle team. Big ups to my boy Fitz for getting me a good chunk of points 2 weeks in a row. Then we have my beloved Vikings who did not win that game – The Ravens BLEW IT. I seriously laughed out loud at an ESPN.com headline I saw yesterday that said, “Favre’s Late Heroics End Ravens Rally.” Whatever simpleton wrote that should be fired. Or buy new eyes. Or something. I was at the game, and the 1st quarter was awesome; it was fun, it was electric. Then the rest of the game happened. My favorite parts were when B’more just kind of sauntered into the endzone for a couple easy TDs. Our only saving grace, apparently, is how loud we were booing and screaming. So loud, in fact, that my friend told me the announcers on TV were annoyed with us. Whatev…the Ravens choked, and we’re 6-0. I don’t care about the rest of the games. Sorry.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the goings on in the sporting world. Certain teams and sports are left out due to either lack of caring or an extreme hangover. Maybe a weak hangover also, we’re kind of soft like that.
NFL: Percy Harvin of the Minnesota Vikings has not been practicing due to a bum shoulder. They won’t say which one it is, but the LITE FM radio station that was on while I was getting my teeth cleaned said they thought it was his left. What will the mean for the Vikings when facing the Ravens this weekend at Mall of America Field (are you F’ing kidding me, btw?)? Only time will tell. That and the pregnancy test your girlfriend took.
So I was paging through the cable guide trying to find something awesome to watch, and I happened upon this gem: The American Huntress. Based on the logo you would think it’s a show full of chicks with huge tits, running around with rifles, pouring water down their cleavage in the hot Savannah sun, moaning about how badly they want to strip down and then bake you a pie. This is not the case.
