I Don't Get It.

This is my weekly section where I will bring you topics from the sporting world (obscure or otherwise) that “I Don’t Get”.  I’ll either discover the legitimacy of something thought absurd, or further exploit the sheer stupidity of it all.  This week I bring you…

Minnesota Sports & the Inevitable Choke.

Now, I’m a hometown girl through-and-through.  I’m a Vikings season ticket holder, and I go to as many other games as I have time for.  Like all other prideful Minnesotans, I go into each season with a blind faith and voracity for my squad that would leave even the most devout of Catholics doing 85 Hail Marys.  And like any good Minnesotan, I will hold out hope until that final nail is in the coffin.

So why is it that we can’t get a franchise that doesn’t blow their load the instant they make it to the playoffs?  Basically every local team that anyone actually cares about is guilty of this; so don’t come at me with some B.S. about how our minor league lacrosse team won nationals, or our lumberjacking crew beat Canada for the title of “Most Lumberjackiest”.  Let’s go through this team-by-team…

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Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Amazingness, Bereavement, Cats, Ferrets, Gordon Bombay, Lumberjacks, Madden, Minnesota Timberwolves, Minnesota Twins, Minnesota Vikings, Minnesota Wild
Category Uncategorized |

I Don't Get It. Bonus Edition.

This is my weekly section where I will bring you topics from the sporting world (obscure or otherwise) that “I Don’t Get”.  I’ll either discover the legitimacy of something thought absurd, or further exploit the sheer stupidity of it all.  This week I bring you…

The Favre Delusion
There’s no disputing that Brett Favre (or Uncle Rico, as I call him) is a Hall of Fame Quarterback.  He has had an astounding career, that even the most die-hard rivals can’t argue against.  But now, the guy is older than dirt and has retired and un-retired like 85 times.  While I commend his…ahem dedication to the game [READ: MASSIVE EGO], I absolutely refuse to attribute any early and future successes of the Minnesota Vikings solely to Mr. Favre as the dick-sucking national media are wont to do.

Looking at the September 27th game versus the San Francisco 49ers, Favre didn’t have as much to do with the big, spectacular W that everyone wants to give him credit for.

Percy Harvin had the spectacular 101-yard kick return for a touchdown in the 3rd quarter (truly amazing to witness, might I add.  The crowd went insane!).  I don’t know if anyone saw, but man can that kid book.  It was probably hard to pay attention with all of the sucking noises coming from the press box, though.

They’ve got Purple Jesus who is a freak of nature (more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Brett Favre, ChimChim, Delusions of Grandeur, Football, Minnesota Vikings, Uncle Rico
Category I don't get it, Satire |

I Don't Get It.

This is my weekly section where I will bring you topics from the sporting world (obscure or otherwise) that “I Don’t Get”.  I’ll either discover the legitimacy of something thought absurd, or further exploit the sheer stupidity of it all.  This week I bring you…

Bob Costas Looks Like a Mountain Lion.

The extent to which Bob Costas looks like a mountain lion baffles and infuriates me.  My obsession with this is to the point where I’m deeply disturbed every time I have to look at him, and can’t look without thinking about it.

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Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Bob Costas, Bob Costas face, Mountain Lions, NFL Announcers, Obsession, Sunday Night Football
Category Random Deviations, Uncategorized |

I Don't Get It.

This is my weekly section where I will bring you topics from the sporting world (obscure or otherwise) that “I Don’t Get”.  I’ll either discover the legitimacy of something thought absurd, or further exploit the sheer stupidity of it all.  This week I bring you…

Minnesota Roller Girls – Minnesota’s Foremost Roller Derby Squad

When I happened across a 3-day tournament called “Brawl of America”, I was stunned to see it was for A FREAKING ROLLER DERBY.  In an arena.  Really???  Okay, number one…this is like, a full-fledged event complete with judges’ panel, referees, and lighting.  So my friend and I go in and these girls are doing laps like an Indy race, only on skates.  People are cheering and yelling and going crazy, but to me it just looks like a big cluster-F of roller skates, helmets and booty shorts.  Oh yes, they battle in booty shorts.

Readyyyy...Seetttttt...Derby?

After about 15 minutes of not knowing what in God’s name we were witnessing, we get a program and then it all makes sense.  The scoop is that they have teams made up of: (1) Jammer, wears a star helmet and scores the points; (3) Blockers, wears a plain helmet and…DUH; and (1) Pivot, wears a striped helmet and organizes the pack and calls “plays”.  Basically all you really need to know is that once the Jammer gets out in front of everyone, one of the refs spots her and she scores points by lapping everyone.  There are various penalties a girl can be dealt i.e. cutting the track, elbowing, what-have-you.  If a girl gets too many she gets sent to the penalty box.  So the moral of that story is, if you jack a girl in the face you’ll get put on time-out (but it would make for great entertainment).

One of the cool things is that they have sweet names like Harmony Killerbruise, Hannabelle Lecter, Jackie Daniels, Venus Thightrap, and Tone Loco – to name a few.  The bout we made it to was for 9th/10th Place (Oh yeah, that’s how I roll.  Watchin’ it when it counts!), and it was the Minnesota Roller Girls vs. Grand Raggidy Roller Girls hailing from Grand Rapids, Michigan.  I tried to keep a play-by-play after I figured out what was going on, but it’s mostly just the two teams trading off the lead.

Ooooohhh! Fast! (Actually, my camera blows. Who wants to buy mama a new one?!)

The sweet parts are when say, one girl hip checks an opponent and the girl goes flying across the floor for like 15 feet and hits the people sitting along the track.  Then there was big drama when all of a sudden Jackie Daniels is spinning out of control and she crashes down on the sideline in front of us.  The medic rushes out, her coach comes rushing over, and they’re all trying to figure out what was going on…turns out one of the trucks on her skate broke.  Ohhhhh!  So much drama in the M-S-P (that’s the airport code for Minneapolis-St. Paul, people).  Anyway, my Minnesota Roller Girls threw it down and finished 91-75.  That’s how we do!

Jackie Daniels - Outta Commish'

After their bout, we kind of hung around to see if I could get pictures with some of the girls.  Luckily I spotted one of the Minnesota Roller Girls “It” Girls, Jammer #109, Psycho Novia.

Psycho Novia - Slammin' & Jammin'!

First of all, she is freaking TINY and ADORABLE.  Not the kind of girl you’d expect to be out there checking/being checked/potentially losing teeth.  She asked if we were going to try out for the team.  I laughed.  Or chortled (God, that is a fantastic word). [Note:  Something everyone should know about me is that for some reason I can't navigate a room without getting injured.  If there is a table 10 feet away, I will run into it.]  So then!  Super diesel badass Jackie Daniels from the Grand Raggidy Roller Girls comes out, and she’s also just a little thing.

She skates so hard she broke a truck on her skate, people.

Things I learned from this experience:
1) These are like, normal girls (in booty shorts).  I totally thought they were going to be tatted up Amazonian lesbians.
2) This is like, a sport.  They skate their asses off (in booty shorts), and sweat, and get injured (Seriously.  Medics on stand-by.)  They have tournaments.  People pay to attend these things.  In arenas.
3) They serve booze.  FTW!

Check it out sometime.  It’s really hard not to get into it and start cheering for these girls when they’re kicking the crap out of each other.  On wheels.  In booty shorts.

Visit www.wftda.com to find out more about the league.

P.S. I bought these.

My ass will be ready to rumble in these badboys! (heh heh.)

P.P.S. Apparently there’s some movie called Whip It coming out.  About roller derbies, or something.  No one’s gonna see it until it’s on TBS, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Category Competition, Entertainment, Random Deviations, Uncategorized |